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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #41 (January -February 2002)
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits.
Back to Joke Archive Entry   Magic Mike's Joke Page Parlor   Magic Mike's Home Page
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.

TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND IN YOUR BROWSER (TOP LEFT CORNER).

Hi, I have been busy and not writing. Here is a Planet Proctor from Xmas that I didn't send.

Inner Peace

You are so special to me so I am passing this on to you--

It Worked for me----I think I've found inner peace...

My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started..

Last night I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's and a small box of chocolate candy.

I feel better already.

Have a magic day, Magic Mike

(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.25 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge, as quoted by LACRS Rev, and crooner, David Walker

A PERSONAL GREETING TO ALL!!! Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference. NOTE: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

"I got four things to live by: Don't say nothing that will hurt anybody. Don't give advice - nobody will take it anyway. Don't complain. Don't explain." - Death Valley Scotty

"SATAN" CLAUS? Yes, some of us know that our traditional Jolly Old Elf is in some ways descended form the European villages' Wild Man Festivals, but that's no reason for the Kensington town council of Montgomery County, Maryland to have shut him out of their annual tree lighting ceremony. Nevertheless, since two families who don't celebrate Christmas "felt that they would be uncomfortable" with the big red guy's participation, Mayor Lynn Raufaste decided not to let him pull the switch this year. So -- guess who's gonna get coal in their socks come Christmas morn?

"There's no authority in Afghanistan right now. All these different ethnic groups, people are in the streets armed and shooting guns. So, it's just like L.A., except without the traffic." - Jay Leno

A CROSSWORD XMAS 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including the species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of Saint Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration. Noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself. Thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance, drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer. Piloted by a minuscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vorcified loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen: "Now Dasher, now Dancer", et al. Guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by the way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scilliant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal protuberance were engorged with blood which suffused in subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the later that of the Prunus Avium, or Sweet Cherry. His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small tabular and columnar crystals being. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occupant, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruitsyrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more or less than obese, jocund, multigenarial gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with various of the afore-mentioned articles of merchandise extracted from his afore-mentioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating, in reverse, the smoke passage. He propelled himself in short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audibly immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self-same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn!" (Submitted by Ann Ryerson, author unknown)

"I was afraid to even hum." - Liberated Afghan singer Mohammadvali, by L.A. Times' Robyn Dixon

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE Thanks to "The Winchell Wiper" from KFI talk-radio-jockette April Winchell, those of you who have waited til the last minute for gifts can still deliver the goodies. Here are a few of April's suggestions, all of which are actually available on the web: Jesus sports statues and Action Figures; Fidel Castro Dolls, My Pretty Nosehair, Bottom Buddy Personal Wipers, E-shit, Vulva puppets, Flatulence Filters and Butt Candles, Religious themed dildoes, Semenex, for great tasting semen, or Fetus-shaped Soap on a Rope. Holiday Edibles? How about Bubble Gum Hot Dogs, Chocolate Band-Aids, Kooky Chew Human Dog Food, Chocolate high heel shoes, an Icelandic Hotdog gift basket, Your name carved in cheddar, or Fudge-filled diapers? For home and garden -- Dung Buddies, Crapping figurines, The Farrah Fawcett Shrine, Twisted Dick and Jane fridge magnets ,Corn Head hats and Kangaroo scrotum bags. And speaking of pets, they'll drool over Horseballs, "Parisienne poodle" Menstrual pads or "Butt Stink" flavored dog treats. And last but least for your loving human partner, there's always -- the CheckMate Infidelity kit. Have a Nutty Merry Happy!

"A Transistor is a nun who's had a sex change." - Steve Cuden

RADIO-NOW NEWS FLASH!!! And for others on your list, hot off the presses from our very own Firesign Theatre Records is the debut release of a "Radio Now Live" double CD -- an hilarious live performance at the Alladin Theatre in Portland, Oregon. Recorded by Fire-bud Wayne Newitt on April 25, 1999, featuring your favorite Firesign characters from Nick Danger to BeBop Loco. Also new from Firesign Theatre Records are the CD releases of "Anythynge You Want To" and "Fighting Clowns", not to mention our latest on Rhino, "The Bride of Firesign", the newly released first four albums on Sony Legacy and the PBS "Weirdly Cool" tapes and DVDS. Can we retire now?

"It's God's responsibility to forgive Bin Laden; It's our responsibility to arrange that meeting." - passed on by U.S. Marine Corps' Bob Joles

AND FUNALLY, A CHRISTMAS DISCLAIMER Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, any mouse or mice that may, in fact, be present. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.) Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House the investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.) The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S.Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or otherwise ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts"; Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"; Or words to that effect. Respectfully Submitted this day, 23 Dec, 2000 The Grinch, Esq.

"You must 'be' the change you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Ghandi

++++++++++++(DECEMBER 24 , 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor

Hi, Here is a second Planet Proctor. I watched Politically Incorrect and Kevin Nealin was on talking about how it is the nerds that have been the violent ones. Even Ossama was a nerd. Kevin had me laughing when he said that it is all the fault of the bullys, not doing their job and keep the nerds DOWN. Are you tired of being on hold for 30 minutes waiting for customer service to answer? I was, and I had to go to an appointment. My phone was already forwarded into my cell so i knew I wouldn't miss calls. I opened Start Button, Programs, Accessories, Entertainment and opened the Sound Recorder. Using my computer mic, I recorded, "All of our customers are with other representatives. Please wait for me, like I have for you, and I will be with you as soon as I can." I saved it, then opened it with Media Player and it repeated over and over like their message did. I put the receiver near my speakers and left for my appointment. Have a magic day, Magic Mike

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." -- David Letterman "The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." -- Jay Leno "More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." -- Jay Leno "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -- Jay Leno "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." -- Jay Leno "It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" -- Conan O'Brien "One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." -- Jay Leno "CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." -- David Letterman "Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -- Jay Leno "I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'" -- Jay Leno "Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box." -- Jay Leno "The FBI is! urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." -- Jay Leno "In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders." -- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update "Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." -- Jay Leno "Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush has learned all their names." -- Comedian Argus Hamilton "There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." -- Jay Leno "Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -- Jay Leno "U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." -- Jay Leno "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early." -- Jay Leno

Date: Sat, 12 Jan 2002 15:57:26 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com

((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-01 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"When it comes to 2001, the movie was better than the year."-Richard Brestoff

THE YEAR IN RE-WHEW! Well -- It's over. And here's some highlights to offset the many lowlights. First, Jerry Falwell was cited as the Dumbest Person of the Year by Mad Magazine, and they ought to know."We thought Falwell had touched his personal pinnacle of dumbness a few years ago when he accused the Teletubbies of promoting homosexuality," observed co-editor John Ficarra. "We underestimated him." Carlos the Jackal, as opposed to Osama "the Big Cat" (in Arabic, I've heard), has fallen in love with his agent and hopes to get hitched -- if he's ever un-cuffed. The Japanese Sanyo Company has invented a detergentless washing machine which competitors deride because soap and washing machines "are destined to live together, like both wheels of a vehicle." The dirty little war has erupted, reveals NY Times writer James Brooke, since these days in Japan less dirty little babies are being birthed. A course was introduced at Siena Heights University by teacher William Irwin featuring "The D'oh! of Homer" and "The Gospel According to the Simpsons: The Spiritual Life of the Most Animated Family." Fundamentalist Christian Ken Ham, who heads "Answers in Genesis, is developing a "Creation Museum" in Florence, Kentucky to demonstrate that God created the world in six days. Be prepared to see a life-size model with a sign reading:"Thescelosaurus. Means wonderful lizard. Height: 4 feet. Length: 11 feet. Created on Day six." According to LA Times' Stephanie Simon, "45% accept the biblical account that God created man within the last 10,00 years." But who's counting? The singing of "Danny Boy" was banned at funeral masses and memorial services by Providence, Rhode Island's Roman Catholic Diocese as being too secular. Theological spokesperson Rev. Bernard A. Healy explained to the Associated Press that it's a fundamental(-istic) misunderstanding. "[The mass] is about their connection to Jesus Christ and the Church, not their connection with the Emerald Isle." But retired Providence Policeman Charlie McKenna fumed, "I want 'Danny Boy' sung at my funeral mass; and if it isn't, I'm going to get up and walk out." Finally, "Fab!" the West Hollywood gay and lesbian newspaper, exposed the fact that two employees at the Providence Place Mall (also in R.I.), refused to sell a gay couple a pair of apparently homosexual Hallmark "Kiss Kiss Mistletoe Bears." The boys discovered that the magnetized brown-furred teddies are supposed to only lock lips with their white-haired, skirted partners, but apparently a horrible mistake by their creator allowed one auburn fuzzy to "suck face" with another. The mall owners have apologized, but not the clerks.

"The terrorists don't want us to have sex. If we don't have sex,the terrorists will have won!!" - Planeteer Jon Morgan

THE YEAR IN REVIEW (Well, it's barely started, hasn't it, so this should be easy.) My wife, Melinda and I just returned from a whirlwind tour of several East coast and Texas PBS stations where I participated in fund-raising breaks during airings of the Firesign Theatre's first ever 1-hour special, "Weirdly Cool" -- to learn that Firesign has been honored with a third Grammy Nomination for its latest Rhino release, "The Bride of Firesign." The ceremony will take place on February 27th at the L.A. Staples center and we're only up against our dear friend 3-time WINNER George Carlin, (fuck him!), Ray Romano, Margaret Cho and the Queens of Comedy -- so place your bets now! "Weirdly Cool" in VHS or DVD format, as well as scads of new, re-issued and rare Firesign product, is now wildly available at amazon.com, laugh.com, lodestone-media.com and firesigntheatre.com and we all know that it's never too early to start your Christmas shopping. Besides "Howard" on Rugrats, my voice can be heard as "Charlie", the whistle-blowing manager of the contaminated, de-haired "George" in Pixar's "Monsters, Inc."; this season I'll be seen as a 50's psychiatrist on an episode of "Saving Grace." on ABC Family, and both Melinda and I play the parents of Siamese twins in the "Brothers Divided" segment of the funny and touching film, "The Independent", starring Jerry Stiller which is described by Harry Knowles in NYC's "Ain't It Cool" news as "very much in the same genre as 'Something About Mary' and 'Amazon Women on the Moon'." (Yet another of my rare cinema appearances...) Finally, it needs to be noted that Melinda is at present recovering from her second leg surgery as a result of her unfortunate auto mishap back in June of nasty last year; but she'll be stepping out again (appropriately) in March. And now that that's over with, on with the show!!!

"Predictions are difficult to make, especially about the future." - Yogi Berra

A MAN OF HIS WORD Ira Meyer responded to Mahatma Ghandi's quote that one must embody the change one wants in the world, with this anecdote. "I heard a story years ago about a woman who had super-hyper son, the result of the enormous amounts of sugar he consumed. Having tried everything to get him to stop, she finally brought him to Gandhi...[and] he asked her to come back in three days. "Upon their return, the Mahatma expressed to the boy the 'evils' of sugar consumption...[and] somewhat confused, she asked him why they he couldn't have done this on their first visit. His response was -- 'You see madam, three days ago I had not yet stopped eating sugar.'" Then Michael Sheehan pointed out (like a sharp stick) that Gandhi also said "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.'"

"When the watchdog for the public turns out to be the dog that ate the papers, there is a big problem." - Former SEC 's Lynn Turner on Enron's accountant C. E. Andersen

CHECK OUT THE BIN AT BLOCKBUSTERS! Pentagon officials have admitted that the attempts to trash bin Laden have failed to date, and some pundits here in Hollow-wood are suggesting that bin Laden has lost himself in the halls of the William Morris Agency and will never be seen again. It's rumored that the agency was hoping he'd host "Survivor III: How Are Things in Tora Bora", but typically, the Morris office did not return my calls. And now, U.S. officials have uncovered a DVD version of the infamous "My Dinner with Achmed" tape, said to have been seized from a Taliban safe house in the Afghanistan city of Jujubeebad, which offers even more conclusive proof of bin Laden's role in the 9-11 terrorist attacks. Unlike the previously screened grainy and often inaudible tape, the cleaned-up version offers a high-res letter-box picture with THX Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound. (Look out, Osama - the whole world is listening!) "This DVD clearly demonstrates bin Laden's callous disregard for human life," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "But I have to admit they did a really nice job of cleaning up the sound. It really sparkles." The disc also contains many goodies not found on the original tape, including more than 30 minutes of never-before-seen footage (clearly "the director's cut") such as the entire meal with the Saudi sheik (with appetizers), an extended "dream sequence" of the visions described by the participants in the digitally animated style of "Waking Life", and a bonus featurette, "The Making of the bin Laden Video" which takes viewers behind the scenes with the Big Cat providing a voice-over concerning challenges the crew faced "shooting" in Afghanistan. At one point, for instance, tribal warlords brandishing AK-47s hold up the production until their people can negotiate a percentage of back-end sales. The final segment features outtakes and bloopers such as bin Laden repeatedly mispronouncing the name "Mohammed," and collapsing in helpless laughter. Another shows him, apparently unaware that the camera is rolling, spilling food on his lap and then wiping it up with his turban. The technical sophistication of the DVD has raised concern in the Pentagon, leading to speculation that bin Laden could have obtained the technology from disaffected, unemployed Ex-Soviet filmmakers or that he may even have had help from America, as tiny lettering on the rim of the DVD seems to read: "C in a circle, 2001, AOL Time Warner." But Thane Tierney, an AOL Time Warner spokesperson, vehemently denied this, labeling it "The work of infidels." Reaction on the Arab Back Lot has been, as always, one of skepticism. So go rent it, I say, and judge for Youssef!

"It is a fearful thing to contemplate that when you are driving along the road, a heavy horse may at any moment drop from the sky on top of you." - UK Justice Vaisey

STAND AND DELIVER! So you wanna be a star? Eric "Big Guy" Boardman sent me news of a REALLY open audition. "Puppetry of the Penis", the internationally acclaimed phenomenon, has announced plans to further expand the production following overwhelming requests to tour worldwide. Creators Simon Morley and David Friendly will be holding auditions for a new band of penis puppeteers in New York on Thu. Jan. 17 at 11 am at the John Houseman Theatre, 450 W. 42nd St. The judges include Michael Musto and "Time Out New York" sex columnist Jamie Bufalino (aka "the Little Buffalo). The demand for this outrageous show is such that Morley and Friendly are now in search of more like-minded gentleman who possess a unique combination of natural talent and a complete lack of shame. The vision is to expand and franchise PUPPETRY until, like the former British one, the sun never sets on the PENIS empire, no matter how hard it tries. Currently the original puppeteers are playing to sold-out houses in New York, while other companies perform in Toronto, Sydney and a tour in the UK. This venture will enable five teams of puppeteers to perform simultaneously throughout the globe. Penis puppeteers should come to the auditions with their own equipment, a flexible working attitude, and a readiness to demonstrate their own genital installations. As an equal opportunity employer, both circumcised and uncircumcised genital origami hopefuls will be seen. If chosen, a Master Class will include instructions on such classic installations as the Eiffel Tower, the Hamburger, the Loch Ness Monster, the Windsurfer and the Wristwatch, and participants are guaranteed a follow-up audition the next day. Genital Origami Artists! Don't miss your chance to travel the globe and get paid for 'dicking around'! Call the Penis Audition Hotline on 212 592 4623 or send an email to puppetryauditions@hotmail.com

"Looking for a voice that's warm, charming and friendly. Think Dan Rather." - Audition copy

NO CRAP! As we enter the uncertainties of the Twenty-First Century, one thing remains constant. Art Rules! Newsday reports that the Wisconsin State Bar ordered that a shirt be sculpted over the topless torso of a proposed statue of "Lady Justice". And at Napa Valley's new Robert Mondavi Copia Art Center, named for the Roman Goddess of Abundance and celebrating wine, food and the arts, Catalonian artist Antoni Miralda has been attacked by members of an activist Catholic watchdog group for an exhibit of 35 figurines which depicts among the likes of Santa Claus, Donald Duck and Popeye, the pope and some nuns defecating. They did not protest other "caganers" (traditional Spanish figures often included in Nativity scenes to ensure a good harvest) but a spokesperson asked in an article by LA Times' writer John. M. Glionna, "Why couldn't he have chosen the Lone Ranger and Tonto instead? Or better yet, just Tonto and a few of his Indian buddies?" Good idea. And how!

"There's too many religions. Somebody's going to hell."- Redd Foxx

GOING, GOING, BUT NEVER GONE As Studs Terkel observes in his latest work, "Will the Circle Be Unbroken: Reflections on Death, Rebirth and Hunger for a Faith", "How can we envision our life, the one we now experience, unless we recognize that it is finite?" So we enter the New Year ruminating on the lives of some late, great folks, starting with our dear Avery Schreiber. Although most famous for his taxicab act ("Huh? Huh? Huh?), created with Jack Burns, who had previously teamed with George Carlin, LA Times TV writer Cecil Smith wrote of "The Burns and Schreiber Comedy Hour": "I mean how often do you find a comedy team...doing a sketch in which an integral part is the recitation of an alliterative lyric poem by the Jesuit mystic poet Gerard Manley Hopkins? On television?" Celebrations of his life will be held in LA at the Improv on Melrose, Tuesday the 27th at 1 o'clock and in New York on at the John Houseman Theater on Feb. 4 at 2 pm. We also lost the honest and acerbic wit of Julia Phillips, producer of "The Sting" and "Taxi Driver" (and of the Firesign Theatre's un-realized adaptation of "The Odyssey"). Her tell-all 1991 book "You'll Never Eat in This Town Again" insured that she didn't; Nigel Hawthorne, of "Yes, Minister" and "The Madness of King George"; Foster (hic!) Brooks, Eileen (Picnic) Heckart; Lance (15 minutes of fame) Loud, Mary (The Queen of Clean) Whitehouse; and last but not yeast -- Freddie Heineken, founder of one of Holland's leading breweries. An anecdote I r-e-ceived alluded to an annual gathering of Holland's brewmasters on "the state of the beer world." Each owner, of course, ordered his own specialty, a Grolsch, an Amstel, a Hertog, etc., but Freddie asked for "A double Glenlivet." "Aren't you going to drink beer?" somebody asked. "Why should I?" said Freddie, "Nobody else is."

"This is the Gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side entrance)" - Church sign in last year's "365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" Page-a-Day

++++++++++++(JANUARY 12 , 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor

Hi, I have some humor and serious stuff for you. First of all, I got an email about that legislative bill to charge for email. I did a search on Google.com and saw it is a hoax. /search?hl=en&q=Federal+Bill+602P+&btnG=Google+Search ALSO, AND MORE SERIOUS, i received a classic bunko fraud letter from someone at the Zenith Bank in Nigeria about unclaimed fortunes to share, and asking for my name and bank account numbers. I reported it to the FBI who told me the Secret Service is investigating, and they asked me to send them my copy to 419.fcd@usss.treas.gov in case you got one. I have another Planet Proctor for you from my phreind Phil in Hollyweird. I have posted at the bottom of my entry page, the stats on who comes to my site (country) and what pages they look at. I was surprised to see a large number from Saudi Arabia. There were also large numbers from Netherlands, New Zealand, and Malaysia. Hi to friends of Chucky, Kevin, GirlsAreBetter, and David! I have a new Cartoon that updates regularly called SuperHeros On Their Day Off, by Puffy Cloud. Also new photos and recipes so stop by and tell friends.

Lastly, check out the specials I am now offering on computers, cell phones, and digital cameras. Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

"You Know You're REALLY Italian When...."

1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwiches," 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a regular paper lunch bag.

3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.

4. You share a bathroom with your 5 siblings, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.

5. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent, are all blood relatives.

6. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.

7. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens (one in the basement).

8. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

9. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than 3 dance clubs.

10. You have at least 5 cousins living on your street. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

11. In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.

12. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.

13. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

14. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

15. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

16. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

17. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-02 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"Humor is just another defense against the universe." - Mel Brook

LESS IS MORE, MORE OR LESS Dear Planeteers:This year I will attempt to send out s'more Planets in a shorter form; hope you enjoy.

"Great books are wine. My books are water. But everybody drinks water." - Mark Twain

THIS KILLS ME! Yes, it's the Martin Luther King, Jr. Holiday, and by now I hope you all have seen the gaffe read round the world. My pal Paul Eiding was the first to alert me of it. A plaque produced by Texas' Merit Industries intended to honor actor James Earl (Darth Vader and Mufasa) Jones in Lauderhill, Florida, honored King's assassin instead, stating: "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive." Merit's owner, Herbert Miller, called the mistake "a copy error...We have a lot of people who don't speak English. Accidentally, one of the girls who doesn't know James Earl Jones from a man on the moon accidentally typed James Earl Ray." Uh-huh.

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side." - Michael W. Smith

I'M ALL CHOKED UP The international press had a field day with the latest Presidential mishap from the son of the man who threw up on, who? The president of Japan? Any "who", my favorite comment as reported by Marjorie Miller in the L.A. Times, comes from the French saying that the event resulted from "Americans' complicated relationship with food." Excusez moi??? The English were perhaps closer to the truth when they commented:"This is exactly the sort of accident that befalls Homer Simpson, night after night." And of course, the Germans evoked the "5-gram rule" which states that one should never try to talk "with more than 1.75 ounces of food in one's mouth." (If one is trying to speak GERMAN, that is.) "Even in his wildest dreams, bin Laden couldn't have managed what one tiny pretzel did one weekend," rhapsodized Der Berliner Zeitung. Butthe Russians had the best overall explanation of G.W.B.'s couch-potato-chip mishap by writing in the daily Gazieta (Newspaper):"Bush's organism, although weakened and unconscious, managed to cope with the indisposition. The organism first rejected the pretzel but later swallowed it and digested it without mercy." Hmmm. Sounds like his reaction to the ENRON debacle... "I saw a woman in her SUV in a parking garage, listening to self-help tapes and trying to work up enough courage to get out of her car." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

THE REAL BUT TWISTED TRUTH In a hand written communique' released today, an organization calling itself the Pretzel Liberation Front claimed responsibility for Sunday's suicide attack on President Bush. "No longer will knotted bread foods suffer at the hands (and mouths) of the infidel aggressor!" it read. Since Bush's appointment as president, intelligence services have worked to disrupt the formation of a possible United Front of objects that Bush is known to put in his mouth, fearing the type of success achieved by the suicide pretzel on Sunday. "We've had operatives for years working in the underground pizza industry, and we have been able to stave off several attempts on the president by steaming hot sausage slices," said one intelligence source close to the president. "But by far the most dangerous threat to the president that exists right now comes from the ultra-fundamentalist Shiny Objects Brigade," who are funded by a group of mythical Zoroastrian clerics. "We've had 14 incidents of the President choking on nickels and/or quarters since the events of Sept. 11th," another secret source claimed. "Granted, that's down from the same period last year when he was still governor of Texas, but we're taking no chances."

"That was so funny! What software did you use?" - asked of Pixar's John Lassiter

HE SHE-IT? What if English was a gender-specific language? SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. PENLIGHT: Male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright. TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it; and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER: Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm up;it's an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed but look out if you push the wrong ones. ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but is handy to have around and is good for killing bugs. (From Jim Reynolds, author unknown)

"Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part." - A Celtic blessing

SYMPHONY IN EAT SHARP The First Vienna Vegetable Orchestra consists of nine musicians and a cook; and for the grand finale' of each one-hour "smorgasbord of sound", writes The Washington Post, "They eat their instruments." The tasty assortment of carrot flutes, turnip trumpets, celery sticks with eggplant cymbals and rustling parsley and greens are tossed into an on-stage pot as the concert progresses, to be stirred, "rhythmically, of course," by the cuisine-art conductor. Then after a "finale' of loud pureeing", listeners and musicians alike eat 'em up. I hope they add Beano, or the encores could go on all night...

"I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner." - From Screamin' Marc Cashman

BOZOS ON A ROLL In a review in the LA Times by Jonathan Levi of David Mamet's new novel "Wilson: A Consideration of the Sources", ostensibly written several hundred years from now after a calamitous "computer crash caused by the Cola Riots or the fire at Stop'n'Shop...", is the following: "Reading 'Wilson' is difficult because it is rarely clear why Mamet chose the words or paragraphs he did. It seems as if every word, every paragraph, every sermon, diatribe, midrash, bad joke, good joke, doggerel, ditty, proverb, beatitude, headline and footnote that hadn't made it into his classic 'Glengarry Glen Ross' or 'American Buffalo' or the film 'Homicide' was unspooled by some latter-day Krapp (of Beckett's 'Krapp's Last Tape' fame) whittling away at a hard drive with a pair of box cutters and then reconstructed by the Firesign Theatre." And in the latest health-oriented issue of TIME, a header asks "Can We Learn to BEAT THE REAPER?" Then, Ben Steelman wrote in the Wilmington, No. Carolina Morning Star: "'Your brain may no longer be the boss!' the four comics of Firesign Theatre declared a generation ago, and finally Hollywood believes them. How many movies this season have revolved around characters confused by the difference between reality, dream or illusion? Let's see: Mulholland Dr., Vanilla Sky, Memento - and now A Beautiful Mind..." KOCE, Los Angeles, will re-air "Weirdly Cool" Saturday, March 30 at 10 pm.

"The history of comedy is not well understood, because it wasn't taken seriously." - Aristotle's "Poetics" from satirical smart guy, Bob Harris

IS THIS THE END? USA Today: WE'RE DEAD! The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O. J. and NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN! Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse Microsoft Systems: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Sports lllustrated: GAME OVER... Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest:'BYE Discover: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSEN RATINGS SOAR! Ladies' Home Journal:Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with our "ARMAGEDDON IT OFF" Diet! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 10 MINUTES. Inc. Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture download software patch RAPT666.EXE The Vatican Press: TOLD YOU SO!

"A pessimist is someone who thinks things can't get any worse. An optimist is someone who thinks they can." - From the Bosnian film "No Man's Land"

Click here: USA PATRIOT REGISTRATION - WHITEHOUSE.ORG

++++++++++++(JANUARY 20 , 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor

Hi, Please tell me if you like the new cartoon at my site, SuperHeros On Their Days Off. I have a nice pic for your wallpaper at my Photolinks site of a Blue Flash. When the sky is clear, a green flash just above the sun's edge can sometimes be seen for a second or so, when the sun is close to a distant horizon. A blue flash is even harder to see though, because t and new quotes and art at my Inspiration page. Stop by and tell friends. Almost one million visitors have seen almost 2 million pages at my site since 1996. I have another, yes yet another, Planet Proctor from Hollyweird for you. Have a magic day. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

When Vickie was in the fifth grade she looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Vickie? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes it is." replied Vickie. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Vickie, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Vickie, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

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I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. W. C. Fields

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

KIDS BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT 1) You're Different-And That's Bad 2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables 3) Robert: Dad's New Wife 4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share 5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her 7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 8) All Cats Go to Hell 9) The Little Sissy That Snitched 10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends? 11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption. 12) Grandpa Gets a Casket 13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool 14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear 16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17) Strangers Have the Best Candy 18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 19) You Were an Accident 20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry 22) Your Nightmares Are Real 23) Where Would You Like to be Buried? 24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown 25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your Nose

--=-=-=-=-=-=

Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired? Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it. Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence. As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was turned to the judge, at which point he laughed out loud. Immediately the judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of court. Witness: Did you actually see me laugh? Judge No, but I heard you. Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?

((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-03 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"Wisconsin's Finest Taxidermy and Cheese" - Store sign

"SAG" APTLY NAMED? Voice-mistress Mickie McGowan wrote me concerning the Screen Actors Guild being 2-3 months in arrears for distribution of residual checks, dashing off this trenchant ditty inspired by "Trees" (upon which money doesn't grow)... I think that I shall never see A big residual check for me. A check that makes my spirits soar, With six digits -- maybe more, 'Cause those at SAG (Whose wage we pay), Sit on their asses every day. "

"Today's K-Mart Blue Light special: Pink Slips!" - Hank Rosenfeld

FIREBRAND EXTINGUISHED John G. Schmitz, the ultraconservative firebrand and former Orange County lawmaker, died at age 70. His career highlights included membership in the John Birch Society; loss of the presidency by a mere 44 million votes as the 1972 American Independent Party nominee; his 1982 press release titled "Senator Schmitz and His Committee Survive 'Attack of the Bulldykes'", describing feminist attorney Gloria Allred as "a slick, butch lawyeress"; his apology to Allred to settle a $10 million defamation suit; his announcement of his 1982 candidacy for the U.S. Senate with Yasser Arafat at his side; revelations that the staunch critic of "declining American morals" and father of six also had two more kids with a mistress; and revelations that his then-35-year-old daughter Mary Kay LeTourneau, a Seattle schoolteacher, had sex -- and later two babies -- with a 13-year-old boy. All in all, a wonderful life!

"Nua-Eabhrac - Irish for "New York." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

A REALLY LONG WINTER What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A female news anchor turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" He have to leave the set as did half the crew because they were laughing too "hard"! (From George Cratcha)

"Though the president is commander in chief, Congress is his commander in chief; and God willing, he shall obey ... This is not a government of kings...but a government of the people..." - Rep. Thaddeus Stevens, 1867

E-TTERS, W-E G-ET E-TTERS! LodesTone CEO Richard Fish writes: "Orson Welles subbed for Jack Benny on Jack's show when Jack was ill, ca. 1943. To the astonishment of the cast, Orson stopped in the middle of the show to call the sponsor. "He suggested they change their product from a box of Grape-nuts Flakes into one giant 14-ounce flake. Hanging up, he turned to the audience and said, 'Ah, I feel much better now. I've taken my mind for its daily romp.'" Then, comic writer-performer Hank Rosenfeld writes that his e-pal Gerry Fialka who's really into media guru Marshall McLuhan, says that ENRON really means "End of Ron" - the Reagan years, that is... And my daughter, Kristin, writes that her pal Jim Borger told her that the Pick-Four Massachusetts Lottery on New Year's Eve came up "2-0-0-2." The pot was in excess of $680,000 -- but un-FORTUNE-ately,1,577 people played that number, so they only got $280 apiece.

"At the Friars Club in Beverly Hills you can order THE PROCTOR, described as 'Hot Sliced Pickled Beef Tongue'. It follows THE ABBOT and THE PRYOR. - Phil's Phunny Phacts

THIS REALLY STINKS! George Carlin and his secret F.A.R.T squad would be proud to learn that Department of Defense officials have asked researchers to create a universally offensive odor that can be used for, among other things, crowd control. The non-lethal "odor bomb" is said to smell like rotting garbage, human waste and burning hair. Tests show the putrid odors "are potent in making people want to flee in disgust, and cause shallow breathing, increased heart rate and nausea." Just like bad movies. Another area of smelly research involves body odors, "because we thought those had the best chance of being recognized universally," says researcher Pamela Dalton, Ph.D. Chemist George Preti, Ph.D., has spent 30 years investigating such smells as underarm odor, bad breath and "fish odor syndrome," a genetic disease called trimethylaminuria, devastating to people with extreme cases. They can smell like fish regardless of how many times they bathe or change clothes. (Don't tell our cats...) By Marvin Coyner "Chemical & Engineering" - b_hassell@acs.org

"Worry is the byproduct of indecision." - Quincy Jones

THE SOUND OF ONE HAND BUYING In the latest "Isabella" catalogue offering items to aid us "as we journey to the essence of our being", you can order a Goddess Drum with Drum Hanger, an Acca Kappa Body Massage Brush, Foot and Hand Cozys, Zafu Cushions in purple and sage, Victorian Vanilla Bath Salts, Guardian Space Clearing Spray, Labyrinth Mouse Pads, Sacred Woman Body Potion, Muse Bowls, a Zen Alarm Clock, Companion Pillows and Comfort Hearts, Smudging kits (not recommended for pregnant women) Birch Bark Boxes, Salt Lamps, Totally Soaked Soy Foot Baths, Frog Bowls, a Sterling Pagoda Shell Pendant, Bath Balls, T-Wave Laundry Discs with Tsunami Papaya Enzyme and -- a laser Pet Toy for kitty. Go www.isabellacatalog.com and "live with intention."

"Don't spend an arm and a leg for a new breast." - L.A.Plastic surgeon's radio ad

FORWARD INTO THE PAST The experts have just announced that the universe most likely began with a big" baby boom" of stars, not the traditionally accepted dark, empty space which some crazee guys perpetuated in "I Think We're All Bozons on this Bus." "Quite surprisingly, the finale came first," said Bruce Margon from the Boston institute overseeing the Hubble bubble-bursting Telescope. "The fireworks ran backwards. It's not exactly what would have be predicted." And speaking of new discoveries, Fizer Corp. (has announced that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form suitable "straight up" or as a mixer and marketed by Pepsi Cola and not 7-Up as rumored, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed campaign is: "Pour Yourself a Stiff One."

"The original name of Pepsi-Cola was Brad's Drink." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

TO YOUR HEALTH? Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around! I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now, have a cookie...flour is a grain!

"Heat on Nozzel when Wind Blowing." - Dryer Instructions at Brandon Cottage, Killarney State Park, Ireland

HOW MANY FUNDAMENTALISTS DOES IT TAKE ...to change a light bulb? *Charismatics: Only one. Put your hands down. *Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. *Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. *Roman Catholic: None. WE accept candles only. *Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad. *Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was. *Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. *Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. *Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish. *Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. *Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. *Amish: What's a light bulb? (Forwarded by Michael Packer, author unknown)

"Eat, Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Be Morman." - Proposed bumpersticker for the Winter Olympics in Utah. AIN'T IT A SCREAM? An article in Popular Science refers to the premise in Pixar's"Monsters, Inc." that energy can be culled from cuddly kids' screams to power Monstropolis. so, exactly how many children DOES it take to power a light bulb? Robert Keolian, a Penn State professor of acoustics, says "A good scream can produce 1/1000th of a watt of energy. So theoretically...a group of 100.000 children screaming at the top of their lungs could power a 100-watt bulb." If the bulb doesn't shatter first! In fact, there is a "thermoacoustic refrigerator being experimentally developed for a U.S. Navy destroyer in which sound-driven gases move through porous solids and oscillate ..." creating real energy. As we stumble forward into the world of the Twenty-Farce Century, other potential energy-sources might include the following: Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour, but if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. And if that coffee made you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would create enough gas to match the energy of an atomic bomb. And while we're on the subject of a bad science infection, here are some other enlightening factoids: Some lions mate over 50 times, a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes but only humans and dolphins have sex for pleasure. Furthermore, the male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body, so the female initiates sex by ripping his head off while a cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Polar bears are left-handed. A flea can jump 350 times its body length, akin to a human jumping a football field, but elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. Finally, Astronomers at the Johns Hopkins University have determined that the average color of the universe is pretty close to pale turquoise, although a little bit greener. I guess the Native Americans really DO know everything...

"We are not in the imperfect tense (Dawn was saying), or the present (Dawn says) or the historic present (Dawn said). We are in a kind of marijuana tense (Dawn saying), creamy, wandering, weak-verbed." - Martin Amis in "The War Against Cliche'"

WHAT'S AMORE? When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand And that's not what you planned That's a moray.

When our habits are strange And our customs deranged That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw And the bales total four That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife She gets stabbed with a knife That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Used a sword in a fight That's Samurai. (Author Unknown)

Sholem Aleichem tells the story of a Jewish soldier brought up on charges of not firing at the enemy. "But I never saw the enemy," he says, "I just saw people." - From Kenneth Turan's review of "No Man's Land".

++++++++++++(JANUARY 20, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor

Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Hi,

Hi, Happy Birthday 2/9 to my buddy since before Kindergarten, Steve Hayasaka. We met in Philadelphia after his parents moved from Seattle. Then we were at Penn State together. He came to the Pacific Northwest after graduation Then I came to the Pacific Northwest and he went back to the East Coast. One of the people I rely on, for answers on the polictical scene, is Molly Ivins from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. I have included her most recent column and check out the link to her last two stories also. Planet Proctor Orbits the area just above her. I was rotfl with the item he has about the Axis of Just As Evil. Today's photo link is the Sun Halo at Winter Solstice on my Photolinks Page. New recipes have also been posted on that page. Stop by. http://funandmagic.com/ Have a magic day, Magic Mike

I'm a lightning catcher, a danger stretcher. I've danced with sparks and meadowlarks. I'm amazed by quarks, made love in parks. Fun's the game, Magic's the name. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects from the eyeball to the asshole? It's called the anal optic nerve. It's responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

It's called an "optirectomy" when you sever the nerve & get rid of that shitty outlook...they say that retiring can reduce the frequent irritation and therefore avoid an expensive operation...

WEAKEST LINK Try it. You'll like it! . Weakest Link Test Questions Here are 10 questions. You only need to answer 5 correctly to pass. 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? All done? Check your answers below! ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ: 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November! 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years -- of course!!! What do you mean you failed? You got a miserable one, right...? You ARE the Weakest Link-- Good-bye

-=-=-=-=-

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it..."

-- Steven Wright

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Honest to God, true story here. Harvard decided to send "admission notices" to the 6000 or so students who had applied early this year.

100 of those letters were acceptance letters.

AOL blocked those acceptance letters as SPAM.

As I write this, there are 73 letters in my AOL mailbox. (Yes, I have an AOL account. Everyone knows why I do.) Here are the subject lines of those emails (with the exact spellings used):

Consolidate your debtt!!!! Casino redemption!!! VIAGARA ONLINE WIN AOL PRIZES A SPECIAL aol member ONLY OFFER GIRLS GETTING WITH FARM ANIMALS INCEST SEE DADS AND DAUGHTERS GO AT IT home loanes APPROVED for all credit If you have debt plese read this Girls Dogs Horses!! Extreme Adult! You can lose inches in just an hour!

The reason why there's 73 emails at AOL is because I never read or delete any of them. The new ones just push the old ones out of the way. The oldest is 12/4. That's almost 3 pieces of SPAM. Every. Single. Day.

Could ANYONE look at those letters above and in the space of about 1/2 second NOT realize they're SPAM?

These aren't new subjects. Why hasn't AOL taken any steps to block SPAM like *that*?

I've never given out my AOL address. I've never sent a single piece of email from my AOL account. There is nowhere on the planet these SPAMmers could have gotten that email address EXCEPT from AOL themselves.

Yet, a letter with THIS subject:

"Your application for Harvard has been accepted"

was blocked as SPAM.

Oh, yes, AOL has no clue WHY those letters were blocked.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-04 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"Eat, Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Be Morman." - Winter Olympics bumper sticker. NOBODY AX'D US Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils -- best at being evil...ah, we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded; "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool." Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America; while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them. (Edited from SatireWire.com -- sent by Peter Van Norden and two others) "I don't want to see America again." - J.W. Lindh Email to his Mom

HISTORY REPEATS REPEATS ITSELF ITSELF "Their superstition exposes them to the rapacity and tyranny of a numerous priesthood and a host of wandering TALIB-UB-ILMS who correspond to the theological students in Turkey, live free at the expense of the people. More than this, they enjoy a sort of "droit de segnieur" and no man's wife or daughter is safe from them..." "As Macaulay has said of Wycherly's plays, 'They are protected against the critics as the skunk is protected against the hunters.'" This from a young Winston Churchill, 1898, in his memoir "The Story of the Malakind Field Force". He also wrote: "A single glass of champagne imparts a feeling of exhilaration. The nerves are braced, the imagination is agreeably stirred, the wits become more nimble. A bottle produces a contrary effect... So it is with war, and the quality of both is best discovered by sipping."

"Work is something you don't like to do." - Broadway caricaturist Hirshfeld

TOAST WITH JAM John O' Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club where a regular contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast and one evening, John won with: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife." When O' Riley arrived home, his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening - 'Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi' me wife.'" The next morning, the flattered Mrs. O' Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman, also a member of the club. "Good day, Mrs. O'Riley," he said, "That was some prize toast your husband John gave at the meeting last night." "So he tells me," said Mrs. O' Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts. He's actually only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

"If it doesn't make you horny, it's not art." - Playwright/actor Sam Shepard

WARNING!!! LABELS!!!! M-LAW, the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, sponsors a Wacky Warning Label Contest to reveal how concern over potential lawsuits has led to a need for common sense warnings -- like this winner for a CD player: "Do not use the Ultradisc 2000 as a projectile in a catapult." Second place distinction went to a fireplace log warning, "Caution--Risk of Fire." And third place, found on a box of birthday candles, was: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity." Past winners include a label advising consumers not to use a handheld massager while sleeping or unconscious, not to eat laser printer toners, to avoid spraying deodorant into your eyes, not using a wind-proof beach towel in a hurricane, advice that bicyclist shin pads won't protect "any body part they're not covering", a prescription for sleeping pills warning it "may cause drowsiness" and one of the best of all time on a baby stroller: "Remove child before folding." (WARNING: Source Unknown)

"You can't learn anything except from eccentrics. It has something to do with their getting your attention in the first place." - Late UCLA art teacher, Mary Holmes

I'LL DRINK TO THAT According to happy Dutch researchers at Rotterdam's Erasmus University, moderate intake of adult beverages, already thought to prevent heart attacks and strokes, can also delay the onset of Alzheimer's Disease. One to three glasses of beer, wine or hard liquor a day stimulates release of a memory chemical in the brain called "acetylcholine"; but when you can no longer pronounce that word, you've had enough. In a like vein, over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's research. Thus, by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering about with huge breasts and erections, who can't remember what to do with them.

"The future is inevitable and precise, but it may not occur." - Jorge Luis Borges CAR TALK? Jim Reynolds sent me a lexicon of auto brand names explained: AUDI: Another Ugly Deutsche Invention BMW: Brings Me Women FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill (or Found Off Road Dead) SAAB: Shape Appears Ass-Backwards HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair, Usually VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything "How am I driving? Call 1-800-EAT SHIT" - Real L.A. bumper sticker

WRITE ON! Respected critic Leonard Maltin responded to Richard Fish's story of Orson Welles on the Jack Benny radio show that he remembered a bogus commercial on "Fibber McGee and Molly" for: "Capistrano Root Beer, where the swallows come back."

And Voice-over whiz Rodger Bumpass sent some "More Amore":

When you see a big eel That wants you for a meal -- That's a Moray.

When you do what you do Just like everyone, too, That's a 'More'.

When Canadians sing, "There's additional things", That's 'some more, eh?'

To which the equally shameless Paul "Barstow 2008" Willson added:

When your sole fails to please, Cause it's missing the cheese -- That's sans Mornay.

"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Jack Angel

JUST A DING DONG SECOND On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went to comfort her 95-year-old grandmother who revealed that he'd suffered a heart attack while theywere making love on Sunday morning. Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two almost 100-year-old seniors having sex at any time was asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells rang. It was just the right rhythm; nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and continued, "And if that friggin' ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!

"It was the perfect marriage. She didn't want to, and he couldn't." - Spike Milligan

VERY PERSONAL Single, brown, kangaroo, very male, seeks single, female kangaroo to hop around, make kangaroo babies and share green bushes. Hobbies include hopping, chewing on green stuff and hopping. Age not important. Must be a kangaroo, enjoy hopping and green stuff. Serious inquiries only. - From Hophead Z. Bongo Davis

"Love is the only game not called on account of darkness." - M. Hirshfeld

PASS IT ON Saddest death: Marjan, the one-eyed Afghani lion who died of old age at 23 in the devastated Kabul zoo. Blinded and disfigured by a grenade thrown by the revengeful brother of a Taliban fighter killed when he climbed into the cage to prove his courage, Marjan had nonetheless survived "a king, a coup, Soviet occupation, communist rule, moujahadeen battles, the Taliban and a U.S. bombing campaign" according to the L.A. Times. The strangest death: a reclusive 40-year-old Robert Eric Burnett, passed away in his Philadelphia apartment and was not discovered for three years. His mummified body was discovered after the residence was auctioned off for non-payment of property taxes even though a pile of unopened mail inside the front door contained an uncashed check for $30,000.00 left to him by his deceased mother. We also sang a fond farewell to the sultry Peggy Lee, of whom it was said by songwriter Alan Wilder, "She had a voice like a streetwalker. You'd walk past, but if you ever stopped, you'd never leave..." And Avery Schrieber's packed memorial was full of laughs and tears as we all rejoiced over his life and spirit. "I'm a little nervous," said his son Josh, "I've never spoken at my Dad's memorial before."

"If you're going to lay an egg, make it brightly colored and...for God's sake, fresh!" - Ave to Avery Schreiber

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

++++++++++++(FEBRUARY 8, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor Posted on Sat, Feb. 09, 2002

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-=-= The Great State of Coincidences Star-Telegram Molly Ivins

LANSING, Mich. - Here in the home of the Lansing Lugnuts, the local baseball team named after the town's premier product, is also to be found a unique work of art: a statue of a lugnut on a tall column. Just further evidence of America's greatness.

Speaking of Americana, you can't have a scandal in this country without some special input from Texas, that famous je ne sais quoi for which we are so noted. We offer the following delicious details for your delectation.

Last June, Gov. Rick "Goodhair" Perry (he has very good hair) appointed an Enron executive to be chairman of the state Public Utility Commission. This is Texas, and whom else would you put on the commission that regulates energy companies but an energy company executive?

The next day, Perry got a $25,000 donation from Ken Lay. We might have worried about this, but Perry has cleared up the whole thing. The timing, he said, was "totally coincidental." We were all greatly relieved to learn this, since some with dirty minds might have thought there was a connection.

We are also pleased with the fresh nuances in "totally coincidental." Just the other day, my dog got into the garbage and ate chicken bones; then, totally coincidentally, she barfed on the living room rug.

In the further adventures of Gov. Goodhair (now also known as "Old Coincidence"), his Enron appointee, Max Yzaguirre, turned out to have a blot on his record. Democrats demanded the public records about the background of the new chairman of the PUC, and the records include any brushes with the law, no matter how minor.

In addition to a couple of youthful driving incidents, Yzaquirre turns out to have shot a whooping crane in 1989, apparently under the impression that it was a goose. He had to pay a $15,000 fine under the Endangered Species Act, a thing that could happen to practically anybody. (In 1994, when President George W. was running for governor, he shot a protected killdeer on the theory that it was a dove.) But the Goodhair administration was embarrassed about the dead whooper, so it whited out this interesting information before releasing the commissioner's forms.

Well, it was some cover-up and probably would have worked, except that alert citizens noticed the blank and raised questions, and the whole sad story came out. Yzaguirre recently saw fit to resign, thus ending what we all thought was a really fun episode.

Meanwhile, the attorney general of Texas, John Cornyn, announced firmly that he would investigate Enron and all its nefarious doings, which caused the citizenry to rejoice, except for those picky people at the public interest groups who pointed out that Cornyn has received $193,000 in campaign contributions from Enron officials since 1997. Cornyn was prepared to ignore the pesky watchdogs and announced firmly that he would so investigate, but, totally coincidentally, he recused himself the next day.

You might think that some public officeholder in Texas could investigate Enron without questions being raised over campaign contributions - after all, many members of Congress who have received generous contributions from Enron are now investigating it. But even if we could investigate and prosecute, the cases probably would wind up in the state Supreme Court and - surprise! - seven out of nine judges on the Supreme Court seem to be Enron beneficiaries as well. It's hard to think how we could be having a better time in Texas.

Some Texas pols have taken the unusual step of donating their Enron contributions to the fund to help the fired Enron employees. Most notably, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, who got $99,500, has given $100,000 to the fund, and that's a big chunk to turn over. Now if President Bush were to return his Enron contributions - more than $2 million all told - we could be talking some real progress on health care insurance for the busted employees.

Molly Ivins writes for Creators Syndicate. 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045 OTHER COLUMNS What's the policy today? http://www.dfw.com/mld/startelegram/news/columnists/molly_iv ins/2621158.htm Molly Ivins COMMENTARY The Bush adminsitration seems to make policy with shells and a pea. ( 02/07/2002 03:01 AM CST)

Dreaming about the president and the malefactors of wealth http://www.dfw.com/mld/startelegram/news/columnists/molly_iv ins/2596692.htm Molly Ivins - COMMENTARY

That's it! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Hi,

Now I understand why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:

* No premarital sex. * No booze. None. Never. * No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV. * No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN. * No Hooters!!. * No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. * No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!

Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No lace panties. No Victoria's Secret Stuff.

* Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels. *&^%** sand everywhere! * More sand. * Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

* Sandstorms. More **$#@ sand everywhere! * Rags for clothes and hats. * Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips * Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe your butt with your left hand. * Constant wailing from the asshole next door...............no,wait, that's music!

And when you die it's supposed to all get better..... No wonder they volunteer!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Classic Hollywood Squares quotes ..... These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaii, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter... and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it? A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it? A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=

In Florida and Arizona, the personal ads for "older folks" have become rather long-in-the-tooth. These ads will be typical ten years from now, but they are already in vogue in Florida and Arizona. Here is a sampling:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MATCH MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. No leaks. Doesn't run but walks well

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You Know You're A Redneck When... (2002 Edition)

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Mornin', my little Country In A World of Shit:

For those of you who may be suffering from the Christmas shopping bills, perhaps you can follow the lead of Argentina's new president. He suspended all of Argentina's debt. Just said, "Hey, here's an idea: we don't owe anybody anything."

Give it a shot. If this works, think of all of the other things you can just "declare":

To your boss: "I've suspended my work. As far as I'm concerned, it's all done."

To your wife: "I've suspended all of excuses. From now on, when I want to have sex, you are excuse-free."

To your husband: "I've suspended all of your football games. From now on, when I want to have sex, you must not interrupt me and Steve."

-=-=-=-=-=-=

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he weren fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.

She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=

How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

--=-=-=-=-=-=

Reuters is reporting a story about a Chinese housewife who's seeking divorced from her husband because believes he had an affair.

The woman said she discovered the affair when their pet mynah bird starting saying things like, "Divorce," "I love you," and "Be patient."

The bird apparently picked up the words by overhearing the husband's telephone calls with his mistress.

-=-=-=-=-=-=

A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex.'

And Bob wrote ' I love sex.'

Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Hi, Happy Birthday 2/9 to my buddy since before Kindergarten, Steve Hayasaka. We met in Philadelphia after his parents moved from Seattle. Then we were at Penn State together. He came to the Pacific Northwest after graduation Then I came to the Pacific Northwest and he went back to the East Coast. One of the people I rely on, for answers on the polictical scene, is Molly Ivins from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. I have included her most recent column and check out the link to her last two stories also. Planet Proctor Orbits the area just above her. I was rotfl with the item he has about the Axis of Just As Evil. Today's photo link is the Sun Halo at Winter Solstice on my Photolinks Page. New recipes have also been posted on that page. Stop by. http://funandmagic.com/ Have a magic day, Magic Mike

I'm a lightning catcher, a danger stretcher. I've danced with sparks and meadowlarks. I'm amazed by quarks, made love in parks. Fun's the game, Magic's the name. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects from the eyeball to the asshole? It's called the anal optic nerve. It's responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

It's called an "optirectomy" when you sever the nerve & get rid of that shitty outlook...they say that retiring can reduce the frequent irritation and therefore avoid an expensive operation...

WEAKEST LINK Try it. You'll like it! . Weakest Link Test Questions Here are 10 questions. You only need to answer 5 correctly to pass. 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? All done? Check your answers below! ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ: 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November! 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years -- of course!!! What do you mean you failed? You got a miserable one, right...? You ARE the Weakest Link-- Good-bye

-=-=-=-=-

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it..."

-- Steven Wright

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Honest to God, true story here. Harvard decided to send "admission notices" to the 6000 or so students who had applied early this year.

100 of those letters were acceptance letters.

AOL blocked those acceptance letters as SPAM.

As I write this, there are 73 letters in my AOL mailbox. (Yes, I have an AOL account. Everyone knows why I do.) Here are the subject lines of those emails (with the exact spellings used):

Consolidate your debtt!!!! Casino redemption!!! VIAGARA ONLINE WIN AOL PRIZES A SPECIAL aol member ONLY OFFER GIRLS GETTING WITH FARM ANIMALS INCEST SEE DADS AND DAUGHTERS GO AT IT home loanes APPROVED for all credit If you have debt plese read this Girls Dogs Horses!! Extreme Adult! You can lose inches in just an hour!

The reason why there's 73 emails at AOL is because I never read or delete any of them. The new ones just push the old ones out of the way. The oldest is 12/4. That's almost 3 pieces of SPAM. Every. Single. Day.

Could ANYONE look at those letters above and in the space of about 1/2 second NOT realize they're SPAM?

These aren't new subjects. Why hasn't AOL taken any steps to block SPAM like *that*?

I've never given out my AOL address. I've never sent a single piece of email from my AOL account. There is nowhere on the planet these SPAMmers could have gotten that email address EXCEPT from AOL themselves.

Yet, a letter with THIS subject:

"Your application for Harvard has been accepted"

was blocked as SPAM.

Oh, yes, AOL has no clue WHY those letters were blocked.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-04 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"Eat, Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Be Morman." - Winter Olympics bumper sticker. NOBODY AX'D US Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils -- best at being evil...ah, we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded; "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool." Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America; while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them. (Edited from SatireWire.com -- sent by Peter Van Norden and two others) "I don't want to see America again." - J.W. Lindh Email to his Mom

HISTORY REPEATS REPEATS ITSELF ITSELF "Their superstition exposes them to the rapacity and tyranny of a numerous priesthood and a host of wandering TALIB-UB-ILMS who correspond to the theological students in Turkey, live free at the expense of the people. More than this, they enjoy a sort of "droit de segnieur" and no man's wife or daughter is safe from them..." "As Macaulay has said of Wycherly's plays, 'They are protected against the critics as the skunk is protected against the hunters.'" This from a young Winston Churchill, 1898, in his memoir "The Story of the Malakind Field Force". He also wrote: "A single glass of champagne imparts a feeling of exhilaration. The nerves are braced, the imagination is agreeably stirred, the wits become more nimble. A bottle produces a contrary effect... So it is with war, and the quality of both is best discovered by sipping."

"Work is something you don't like to do." - Broadway caricaturist Hirshfeld

TOAST WITH JAM John O' Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club where a regular contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast and one evening, John won with: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife." When O' Riley arrived home, his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening - 'Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi' me wife.'" The next morning, the flattered Mrs. O' Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman, also a member of the club. "Good day, Mrs. O'Riley," he said, "That was some prize toast your husband John gave at the meeting last night." "So he tells me," said Mrs. O' Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts. He's actually only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

"If it doesn't make you horny, it's not art." - Playwright/actor Sam Shepard

WARNING!!! LABELS!!!! M-LAW, the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, sponsors a Wacky Warning Label Contest to reveal how concern over potential lawsuits has led to a need for common sense warnings -- like this winner for a CD player: "Do not use the Ultradisc 2000 as a projectile in a catapult." Second place distinction went to a fireplace log warning, "Caution--Risk of Fire." And third place, found on a box of birthday candles, was: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity." Past winners include a label advising consumers not to use a handheld massager while sleeping or unconscious, not to eat laser printer toners, to avoid spraying deodorant into your eyes, not using a wind-proof beach towel in a hurricane, advice that bicyclist shin pads won't protect "any body part they're not covering", a prescription for sleeping pills warning it "may cause drowsiness" and one of the best of all time on a baby stroller: "Remove child before folding." (WARNING: Source Unknown)

"You can't learn anything except from eccentrics. It has something to do with their getting your attention in the first place." - Late UCLA art teacher, Mary Holmes

I'LL DRINK TO THAT According to happy Dutch researchers at Rotterdam's Erasmus University, moderate intake of adult beverages, already thought to prevent heart attacks and strokes, can also delay the onset of Alzheimer's Disease. One to three glasses of beer, wine or hard liquor a day stimulates release of a memory chemical in the brain called "acetylcholine"; but when you can no longer pronounce that word, you've had enough. In a like vein, over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's research. Thus, by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering about with huge breasts and erections, who can't remember what to do with them.

"The future is inevitable and precise, but it may not occur." - Jorge Luis Borges CAR TALK? Jim Reynolds sent me a lexicon of auto brand names explained: AUDI: Another Ugly Deutsche Invention BMW: Brings Me Women FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill (or Found Off Road Dead) SAAB: Shape Appears Ass-Backwards HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair, Usually VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything "How am I driving? Call 1-800-EAT SHIT" - Real L.A. bumper sticker

WRITE ON! Respected critic Leonard Maltin responded to Richard Fish's story of Orson Welles on the Jack Benny radio show that he remembered a bogus commercial on "Fibber McGee and Molly" for: "Capistrano Root Beer, where the swallows come back."

And Voice-over whiz Rodger Bumpass sent some "More Amore":

When you see a big eel That wants you for a meal -- That's a Moray.

When you do what you do Just like everyone, too, That's a 'More'.

When Canadians sing, "There's additional things", That's 'some more, eh?'

To which the equally shameless Paul "Barstow 2008" Willson added:

When your sole fails to please, Cause it's missing the cheese -- That's sans Mornay.

"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Jack Angel

JUST A DING DONG SECOND On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went to comfort her 95-year-old grandmother who revealed that he'd suffered a heart attack while theywere making love on Sunday morning. Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two almost 100-year-old seniors having sex at any time was asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells rang. It was just the right rhythm; nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and continued, "And if that friggin' ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!

"It was the perfect marriage. She didn't want to, and he couldn't." - Spike Milligan

VERY PERSONAL Single, brown, kangaroo, very male, seeks single, female kangaroo to hop around, make kangaroo babies and share green bushes. Hobbies include hopping, chewing on green stuff and hopping. Age not important. Must be a kangaroo, enjoy hopping and green stuff. Serious inquiries only. - From Hophead Z. Bongo Davis

"Love is the only game not called on account of darkness." - M. Hirshfeld

PASS IT ON Saddest death: Marjan, the one-eyed Afghani lion who died of old age at 23 in the devastated Kabul zoo. Blinded and disfigured by a grenade thrown by the revengeful brother of a Taliban fighter killed when he climbed into the cage to prove his courage, Marjan had nonetheless survived "a king, a coup, Soviet occupation, communist rule, moujahadeen battles, the Taliban and a U.S. bombing campaign" according to the L.A. Times. The strangest death: a reclusive 40-year-old Robert Eric Burnett, passed away in his Philadelphia apartment and was not discovered for three years. His mummified body was discovered after the residence was auctioned off for non-payment of property taxes even though a pile of unopened mail inside the front door contained an uncashed check for $30,000.00 left to him by his deceased mother. We also sang a fond farewell to the sultry Peggy Lee, of whom it was said by songwriter Alan Wilder, "She had a voice like a streetwalker. You'd walk past, but if you ever stopped, you'd never leave..." And Avery Schrieber's packed memorial was full of laughs and tears as we all rejoiced over his life and spirit. "I'm a little nervous," said his son Josh, "I've never spoken at my Dad's memorial before."

"If you're going to lay an egg, make it brightly colored and...for God's sake, fresh!" - Ave to Avery Schreiber

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

++++++++++++(FEBRUARY 8, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor Posted on Sat, Feb. 09, 2002

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

-=-= The Great State of Coincidences Star-Telegram Molly Ivins

LANSING, Mich. - Here in the home of the Lansing Lugnuts, the local baseball team named after the town's premier product, is also to be found a unique work of art: a statue of a lugnut on a tall column. Just further evidence of America's greatness.

Speaking of Americana, you can't have a scandal in this country without some special input from Texas, that famous je ne sais quoi for which we are so noted. We offer the following delicious details for your delectation.

Last June, Gov. Rick "Goodhair" Perry (he has very good hair) appointed an Enron executive to be chairman of the state Public Utility Commission. This is Texas, and whom else would you put on the commission that regulates energy companies but an energy company executive?

The next day, Perry got a $25,000 donation from Ken Lay. We might have worried about this, but Perry has cleared up the whole thing. The timing, he said, was "totally coincidental." We were all greatly relieved to learn this, since some with dirty minds might have thought there was a connection.

We are also pleased with the fresh nuances in "totally coincidental." Just the other day, my dog got into the garbage and ate chicken bones; then, totally coincidentally, she barfed on the living room rug.

In the further adventures of Gov. Goodhair (now also known as "Old Coincidence"), his Enron appointee, Max Yzaguirre, turned out to have a blot on his record. Democrats demanded the public records about the background of the new chairman of the PUC, and the records include any brushes with the law, no matter how minor.

In addition to a couple of youthful driving incidents, Yzaquirre turns out to have shot a whooping crane in 1989, apparently under the impression that it was a goose. He had to pay a $15,000 fine under the Endangered Species Act, a thing that could happen to practically anybody. (In 1994, when President George W. was running for governor, he shot a protected killdeer on the theory that it was a dove.) But the Goodhair administration was embarrassed about the dead whooper, so it whited out this interesting information before releasing the commissioner's forms.

Well, it was some cover-up and probably would have worked, except that alert citizens noticed the blank and raised questions, and the whole sad story came out. Yzaguirre recently saw fit to resign, thus ending what we all thought was a really fun episode.

Meanwhile, the attorney general of Texas, John Cornyn, announced firmly that he would investigate Enron and all its nefarious doings, which caused the citizenry to rejoice, except for those picky people at the public interest groups who pointed out that Cornyn has received $193,000 in campaign contributions from Enron officials since 1997. Cornyn was prepared to ignore the pesky watchdogs and announced firmly that he would so investigate, but, totally coincidentally, he recused himself the next day.

You might think that some public officeholder in Texas could investigate Enron without questions being raised over campaign contributions - after all, many members of Congress who have received generous contributions from Enron are now investigating it. But even if we could investigate and prosecute, the cases probably would wind up in the state Supreme Court and - surprise! - seven out of nine judges on the Supreme Court seem to be Enron beneficiaries as well. It's hard to think how we could be having a better time in Texas.

Some Texas pols have taken the unusual step of donating their Enron contributions to the fund to help the fired Enron employees. Most notably, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, who got $99,500, has given $100,000 to the fund, and that's a big chunk to turn over. Now if President Bush were to return his Enron contributions - more than $2 million all told - we could be talking some real progress on health care insurance for the busted employees.

Molly Ivins writes for Creators Syndicate. 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045 OTHER COLUMNS What's the policy today? http://www.dfw.com/mld/startelegram/news/columnists/molly_iv ins/2621158.htm Molly Ivins COMMENTARY The Bush adminsitration seems to make policy with shells and a pea. ( 02/07/2002 03:01 AM CST)

Dreaming about the president and the malefactors of wealth http://www.dfw.com/mld/startelegram/news/columnists/molly_iv ins/2596692.htm Molly Ivins - COMMENTARY

That's it! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Hi, I have a new Planet Proctor for you from Hollyweird and some new jokes. There are new things at my site, stop by. This morning I had page visit 2 million since 1997. The last year has seen a level of 1000-1500 page visits a day. Justice Dwyer died this week. My case in Ferderal District Court against Seattle was to be heard before him. Before I settled out of court, the City tried to get a summary judgement for dismissal saying the suit was groundless. Justice Dwyer wrote that it appears that a magician performing for donations is covered by the 1st Amendment and denied the City's request, saying my case had merit. I felt proud of my research in the Law Library. Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-05 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"All the world's a stage and there's still no work." - Eddie Lawrence

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Jack Angel tells us of a man who asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. So, on her birthday morn, he awoke her bright and early and whisked her off on a surprise trip to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride -- the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything! And five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach inside out - straight to a McDonald's, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then, off to a movie (the latest "Star Wars" epic) with hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi, Jordon Almonds and Red Vines. What an adventure! Finally, they wobbled home and fell into bed where he leaned over lovingly and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot! I meant my dress size!" (The moral? Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.)

"Nothing is more depraved than to love one's wife as if she were a mistress."- Plato's Symposiums

WANT TO GET LUCKY? Take your girlfriend's father on a weekend overnight fishing trip, steal his undershirt and wear it on your next date. She's yours! In an article entitled "Eau de Dad" by Helen Pearson in the Nature News Service, it's been revealed (just in time for V-Day) that women are more strongly attracted to the "l'odeur d'un homme" who smells similar to, but not TOO similar to -- her father, except in parts of the deep South, of course. So falling in love with you has everything to do with genes, not just how good she looks when you get her out of hers. Participants in the project at the University of Utah, "developed an increased level of camaraderie that was hard to explain," according to Dr. David Berliner in Time magazine. But when the test skin odor extracts were removed, the group stopped smiling and flirting with each other. Hmmm. Something smells...

"Men are more likely to feel strong emotions toward women if they've just exercised, been insulted or listened to comedy routines." - "Booster Shots" by Rosie Mestel, L.A. Times Health Section NO MORE AMORE! From Sci-fi author Spider Robinson, the last word on "Amore"?

When-a you swim inna da sea, an a eel bites-a your knee, dat's a moray! A New Zealander man with a permanent tan, that's a Maori! When two patterns combine, in a way serpentine, that's a moire! He's a clown, He's a ham, His last name's Amsterdam, That's a Morey If yer vitamins be mostly C, D, and E...take some more A! Oh, you play 'What I say' very gay - won't you play that some more, Ray? With the high price of feed, it's for farmers in need, that's some more hay. My new ray gun, here, tries to put out both your eyes: It's a Moe-Ray! If "King Kong" has gone flat, rent the flick "Vampire Bat", That's some more Wray... And finally, we can only hope -- from that crazy Canuck Danny Mann: When Othello's poor wife, Gets stabbed with a Canadian knife, "That's a Moor, eh?" "Viagra is made and marketed by Pfizer, but it should have been by Upjohn." - Garry Margolis

GOD KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED Cathryn Conroy reports for CompuServe that when digging through the dust and rubble of the shattered south tower of the World Trade Center, photographer Gary Gere and FDNY safety director Michael Bellone found an intact page from the Book of Genesis on which was writ: "Then they said, 'Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth.'"

"In the long run, we are all dead." - Economist Lord Maynard Keynes

DAFFYNITIONS An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief." An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.) A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. (Thanks to Hamilton Camp)

"Walt Disney was afraid of mice." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

MONSTROUS! Once there was a monster, similar to Scotland's Nessie, who lived in the London's Thames River. It terrorized the city's inhabitants, until one day, those who were true and brave enough gathered together and slayed the beast and in order to deal with the "landfill" of suddenly fresh meat, they ground its carcass into spicy German sausages. Soon thereafter, a young man named Charles Dickens, then a cub reporter on The Times, wrote an article. The headline read: "It Was The Beast Of Thames; It Was The Wurst Of Thames!"

"No Mimes Aloud!" - Chris Caracci

IT'S ALL IN THE TRANSLATION Melinda and I saw a lot of theatre last week, including a brilliant revival of Sondheim's "Into the Woods" and stand-out performances by our Antaeus compatriots J.D. Cullum in "Making it" by Joe Hortua and Dakin Matthews as Arnolphe in Moliere's classic, "School for Wives." And in the South Coast Rep's program notes, translator Ranjit Bolt says:"There's a story about Simon Gray, who went to see a play of his in Germany, and in one scene a character came onstage covered from head to toe in plaster. "So Simon Gray turned to the director and said, 'What the hell is going on? Why is he covered in plaster?' "The director said, 'It says in the text: "He comes in completely plastered."'" We also very much enjoyed a free-wheeling production of the Firesign Theatre's "Waiting For The Electrician or Someone Like Him" by a very talented cast of three guys and two gals at the Player's Space in North Hollywood, brilliantly directed by David Avcolle. The company is hoping to stage more Firesign material and if any of you out there are interested in doing the same, contact me for the rights! This week we'll be seeing the latest Antaeus production, Alercon's "Proof of the Promise", in another sprightly translation by Dakin Matthews at the Secret Rose, 11246 Magnolia Boulevard (Thurs-Sun til March 3rd). Call 818.506-8462 for reservations.

"Talent scares people" - Elaine Stritch in The NewYorker

WAS IT SOMEONE HE ATE? And also from CompuServe's Conroy, a report that two English scientists have presented what they believe to be the world's oldest fossilized vomit from a Jurassic Age ichthyosaur, a large flippered marine reptile resembling a fish with a long head and tapered body, "that ate something really bad about 160 million years ago." They found the ancient whoops was found in a North England clay quarry and say, "This is the first time the existence of fossil vomit on a grand scale has been proven beyond reasonable doubt." (Last one turned out to be fossilized rubber vomit from a Jurassic Joke shop.) "I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man that had no feet. He had already detonated his." - Magic Mike

THEY'RE AT THE POST... The Washington Post's annual word-meaning contest produced these gems: Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), when you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence (n.) the vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), a proctologist's dignified demeanor right before he gives you the finger. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul ends up on the roof. To which Roger Steffens adds: Sustoned (adj.) Kept going by drugs.

"Happy birthday, total stranger, happy birthday to you!" - Singing waiters in the "Nose Room" at NYC's Trattoria D'Arte restaurant REAL GONE We lost a fake queen and a real princess recently, "Sheena, Queen of the Jungle" - the ravishing Irish McCalla, so tall at 5'9 1/2, that stunt men had to double for her wearing leopard skins and blond wigs; and the broken-hearted Princess Margaret, thwarted in her desire to marry a commoner. When Irish tired of signing autographs, according to her obit in the L.A. Times, she'd say, "Sheena not used to civilization." And finally, sincere condolences to Hamilton Camp and Jeannie Hackett for the recent loss of loved ones. "I want to be freed from Allah. I don't want to wear a veil at all. I want to wear miniskirts." - Afghani 18-year-old Mashal, quoted in Time magazine

AND CHECK THIS OUT: www.coincidencedesign.com

++++++++++++(FEBRUARY 14, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor

Hi, This is this end of a week that is too weird to fathom. Last Sunday I had an accident at an uncontrolled intersection. The woman on my right never slowed down or looked, as she popped out in front of me behind a parked truck. There was no way I could stop in time, and I am at fault, as she was on my right. I smashed my light, fender, and hood. I bent her rear wheel. The next day my rear tire picked up a nail and then had a blowout on I-5 at 60 mph. I couldn't find my lug wrench - jack handle. I limped to a gas station and they changed my tire in trade for a magic trick. The next day I stepped on my glasses, breaking the frame. The following day I lost a $100 show because she said my booking agreement never got to her. I found out on my way to the show. And it used to be, you thought you could trust accounting firms. As I struggle to pay my self employment taxes into a Social Security fund that probably will fail, Enron never paid taxes in four years. People have sent a hoax about email costing money. But would you believe that clicking on a link could cost money? Someone says they own the patent of the invention of "the link". http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/internet/02/11/hyperlink.claim.ap/ It is in Court. And I though you could trust Supreme Court Justices. Then again I used to trust that the person with the most votes won. I thought you could trust Olympic judges. They are charging a French judge with collusion to fix the skating. How can ONE person be a collusion? The Russians are amazing at not looking at the problem. By the way, one of the men accused of assassination in Afganistan was a Supreme Justice. I thought I could trust news reporters, like Howard K. Smith who died today. Compare him to Shepard Smith of Fox Channel's "Fair and Balanced News", who inserts editorial comments, smiles, chuckles, and snide remarks in front and after a news story. I watched Walter Cronkite on Larry Fox the other night. Now think of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as a comparison. Incredibly, Oliver North, convicted of lying to Congress, is a news commentator! I used to think you could trust a mom. The trial of the woman that drowned her 5 children started today. I thought I could trust being at the Seattle Space Needle performing magic. It's a terrorist target. I thought it was safe to drive down the street. As I write this, I am watching a TV News story, about a man who drove his truck into a pothole here, trusting it wouldn't be too deep. His truck totally disappeared in seconds. He barely got his two dogs out. People thought they could trust their relatives to properly be cremated. In Georgia, hundreds of bodies have been found to be lying around in the woods for years, because the crematory was broke. Who is in the Uncle Charley's vase? "Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed." -Unknown Who wants gum??? Ido! I do! Have a magic day. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" asked the judge.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the man.

"Yes go on." said the astounded judge.

"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"Yes go on." said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you`re from New York City?' So I stabbed him."

--=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. Paul Rodriguez

--==-=-=---=-

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

When does a Jewish man stop masturbating? When his wife dies.

-=-=--=-=-=-=-

Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired? Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it. Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence. As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was turned to the judge, at which point he laughed out loud. Immediately the judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of court. Witness: Did you actually see me laugh? Judge No, but I heard you. Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Jack Nicholson

Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ LOWEST Long Distance 24x7 with no fees or contracts. http://ld.net?/phon4less Hi, See the new photolink. It's an incredible time lapse of the Moon rising over Seattle. It's at my Photolinks page. All pages have been updated, and the site now has almost 700 pages. This is this end of a week that is too weird to fathom. Last Sunday I had an accident at an uncontrolled intersection. The woman on my right never slowed down or looked, as she popped out in front of me behind a parked truck. There was no way I could stop in time, and I am at fault, as she was on my right. I smashed my light, fender, and hood. I bent her rear wheel. The next day my rear tire picked up a nail and then had a blowout on I-5 at 60 mph. I couldn't find my lug wrench - jack handle. I limped to a gas station and they changed my tire in trade for a magic trick. The next day I stepped on my glasses, breaking the frame. The following day I lost a $100 show because she said my booking agreement never got to her. I found out on my way to the show. And it used to be, you thought you could trust accounting firms. As I struggle to pay my self employment taxes into a Social Security fund that probably will fail, Enron never paid taxes in four years. People have sent a hoax about email costing money. But would you believe that clicking on a link could cost money? Someone says they own the patent of the invention of "the link". http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/internet/02/11/hyperlink.claim.ap/ It is in Court. And I thought you could trust Supreme Court Justices. Then again I used to trust that the person with the most votes won. I thought you could trust Olympic judges. They are charging a French judge with collusion to fix the skating. How can ONE person be a collusion? The Russians are amazing at not looking at the problem. By the way, one of the men accused of assassination in Afganistan was a Supreme Justice. I thought I could trust news reporters, like Howard K. Smith who died today. Compare him to Shepard Smith of Fox Channel's "Fair and Balanced News", who inserts editorial comments, smiles, chuckles, and snide remarks in front and after a news story. I watched Walter Cronkite on Larry King the other night. Now think of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as a comparison. Incredibly, Oliver North, convicted of lying to Congress, is a news commentator! I used to think you could trust a mom. The trial of the woman that drowned her 5 children started today. I thought I could trust being at the Seattle Space Needle performing magic. It's a terrorist target. I thought it was safe to drive down the street. As I write this, I am watching a TV News story, about a man who drove his truck into a flooded pothole here, trusting it wouldn't be too deep. Workers tried to warn him to stop. But people aren't polite anymore and he defied them. His truck sank and totally disappeared in seconds. It was a sinkhole, from a water main break. He barely got out. Then he went back in and got his two dogs out. People thought they could trust their relatives to properly be cremated. In Georgia, hundreds of bodies have been found to be lying around in the woods for years, because the crematory was broke. Who is in the Uncle Charley's vase? "Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed." -Unknown Who wants gum??? Ido! I do! Have a magic day. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" asked the judge.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the man.

"Yes go on." said the astounded judge.

"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"Yes go on." said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you`re from New York City?' So I stabbed him."

--=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. Paul Rodriguez

--==-=-=---=-

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

When does a Jewish man stop masturbating? When his wife dies.

-=-=--=-=-=-=-

Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired? Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it. Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence. As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was turned to the judge, at which point he laughed out loud. Immediately the judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of court. Witness: Did you actually see me laugh? Judge No, but I heard you. Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Jack Nicholson

Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ LOWEST Long Distance 24x7 with no fees or contracts. http://ld.net?/phon4less




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