Hi, My site has a new look. Stop by http:funandmagic.com . Pages with changes are the front page, the photo page, and the ESP pages. The photo wallpaper for you is a stunning artist's concept from NASA of a rotating black hole. Place it on your desk while a black desktop background. Here is a horror story for you about planting a few flowers in the yard. Also, Phil sent two Planet Proctor's within days so I'll include them both. It has the airdates for the Firesign Theatre's one-hour special, "Weirdly Cool". -Magic Mike

My wife and I wanted to dress up our house with a few flowers in our front yard. Easy enough. We purchased three flats of flowers at $5 each. To make room, we decided to rip out an old evergreen bush about 2 feet tall.

Removing the stump was easy. But that's when the dominos started to fall. The void caused by the removal of the roots caused the front porch -- a cement structure built in the 1950s -- to collapse. The awning covering the front of the house was supported by the porch, so that fell as well. I was able to support it with 2 x 4's for a while, but the awning was damaged from the partial collapse and needed to be removed. However, while it was being removed, one of my makeshift 2 x 4 supports split and shot through our picture window. In addition, the awning damaged the siding on the front of the house beyond repair. To replace the siding (on the entire house), the gutters needed to be removed and replaced. While that was being done, the roof was damaged (I have no idea how) and required a complete tear-off and replacement. So, total cost from what was supposed to be $15 in flowers and a half-hour project amounted to:

Front porch: $1,700 Awning removal: $150 Siding: $3,800 Picture window: $2,500 Gutters and downspouts: $750 Roof: $4,000 Grand total: $12,900

Sad thing is that, by the time the repairs were done, the flowers had died... we never did plant anything there.

-=---=-=-=-=-=

((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2001.21- http://www.planetproctor.com

"I think bin Laden should surrender himself to us. He should also say sorry for the things he has done. He made a pretty bad choice on Sept. 11" - Ryan, 10, L.A. Times "Kid's Page"

TO AMERICA FROM ROMANIA WITH LOVE Why are Americans so united? They don't resemble one another even if you paint them! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations. Some of them are nearly extinct, others are incompatible with one another, and in matters of religious beliefs, not even God can count how many they are. Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army or the secret services that they are a bunch of losers. Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed on the streets nearby to gape. The Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand. After the first moments of panic, they raised the flag on the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car an official or the President was passing. On every occasion they started singing their traditional song: "God Bless America!" What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their galloping history? Their economic power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases which risk of sounding like commonplaces.I thought things over, but I reached only one conclusion. Only freedom can work such miracles! (Excerpts from the article by Ben Moses)

"Mud, flood or blood, the mail's got to go. Anthrax doesn't fit into the rhyme." - D.C. Postman David Myers

RETURN TO SENDER From: The White House To: Albert Gore Dear Al, We found some more votes. You won! When do you want to take over? Sincerely, George W. Bush

"God is always with the strongest battalions."- King Frederick the Great of Prussia (1712-1786)

WE GET LETTERS... Jack Angel sent me this CNN Item, which I missed when I was away in OUR Mideast... "At a hastily called press conference, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and cab drivers." Then, Ernest Farino forwarded me this gem from Nancy Tokos, Title Design Governor at the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences: "I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: 'Lead us not into temptation,' she prayed, 'but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.'"

"If the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body, then only lefthanded people are in their right mind." - Lighter Side T-shirt (custservls@jsls.com)

PROCTOR GETS LAST LAUGH Writer/actor and Firehead Tom Groener passed on a supposedly true story from Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination a snarky student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read: "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." "Pepsi and hamburgers" were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. "In 'Dracula, The Musical' directed by Des 'Moose & Squirrel' MacAnuff, the role of the Second Vampire is played by Jenny-Lynn Suckling." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

BUT WHO'S COUNTING? The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11; September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 +4= 11; After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year; 119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11 The plane that hit the towers was Flight 11 with 92 on board: 9 + 2 = 11; Flight 77 - 65 on board: 6 + 5 = 11. The State of New York was the 11th State added to the Union; New York City - 11 Letters; The Pentagon - 11 Letters; Afghanistan - 11 Letters; Ramzi Yousef, convicted for the '93 WTC bombing - 11 Letters. Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "Phil Proctor"! I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks. Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no ..."PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too! Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."I know, the Red Cross can help. No, they can't...11 letters in "THE RED CROSS". I'd rely on self-defense, but "SELF- DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it, too! Can someone help? Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't! "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters ... Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters. Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4... 7+4=11. From "Take A Break", attributed to Dave Pawson, 11 letters, who adds - PS: "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters, also...

"The good news is that there are many federal agencies working on all of these issues. The bad news is that there are many federal agencies working on all of these issues." - Tenn. Senator Fred Thompson in TIME

ME...OW!!!! The President has urged all of us to report "suspicious behavior" to local law enforcement authorities, and there is very little that a cat does that could not be classified as suspicious. They creep, they hide, they sneak. They run away when confronted, a known sign of guilty knowledge. For their safety and ours, we should train them to appear to be patriotic... I think it would be best to start with "The Stars and Stripes Forever." It is a non-controversial yet undeniably patriotic tune, easily recognizable. Before mealtime, instead of calling, "Soup's on!" or "Kibble time!" or "Come on Snowflake come on come on who's the best cat who's the best cat," just put on a stirring rendition of the venerable John Philip Sousa tune. If the cat does not come, withhold food. Try again an hour later. When the cat comes, feed said cat. Repeat this process for several days. (If the neighbors complain about the repetitive playing of this patriotic song, report them to local law enforcement authorities.) Eventually the cat will catch on. Cats care a whole lot about all rituals concerning food. If Sousa is part of the equation, they'll come a-runnin' when the band strikes up. And picture your cat sitting there as you hold his/her food bowl at your own eye level. The cat will be alert, erect, almost, well, at attention. Think of a whole phalanx of cats standing at attention while "The Stars and Stripes Forever" is being played. Talk about a morale boost! Cats for America! Three meows for freedom! (From an article by Jon Carroll in The SF Chronicle)

"I wonder if our economy will ever get back to normal.By normal, I mean the time when I'll be able to talk back to a maid." - Sylvia Lyons in The Lyons Den, February 3rd, 1953

TALIBAN TV GUIDE 06.00 G -Had TV. Morning prayers. 08.30 Talitubbies. Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher and say "Ah-ah". 09.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers. 11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. 12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects. 12.30 Panoramadan. The program reports on America's attempts to take over the world. 13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking. 15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols. 16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders. 18.00 Holiday. The team goes on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again. 18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running? 19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council? 20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women. 21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week? 22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel. 00.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot. 01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer. 02.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again. (From Barbro Semmingsen, Oslo)

"Did you hear about the seismologist who always rated earthquakes much too high on the Richter scale? He was generous to a fault." - Chris Caracci

CATCHING UP I had a wonderful time in the Midwest with Richard Fish in bountiful Bloomington, my miraculous mom in Goshen and marvelous Melinda in Milwaukee. She is hysterical in the brilliantly mounted production of Lillian Groag's Pulitzer-prize nominated play, "The Magic Fire"; and the Milwaukee Rep is a Broadway-caliber company all around. Mellie's makeup as a 97-year-old Italian widow (created by fellow actor Lee Ernst) is masterful (and a little scary) and you can probably see it at my or a Firesign website soon. The Firesign premiered "Fools In Space", our LIVE 2-hour romp for XM Satellite Radio, last Saturday, with brilliant assistance from Bob Wayne and Warren Dewey at his studios in Santa Monica. Our PBS Special will be aired all over the country during the Holiday Season. I'll send out a special notification of stations and times, and we will be appearing in person in some venues! And I'll be appearing personally as a 60's Viennese psychiatrist in an episode of "Saving Grace" to be filmed next week. Stay well and safe...

"SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise." - Magic Mike

++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 1, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor

((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.22 - http://www.planetproctor.com "I'm in a unique position as [the Emmys'] host because, think about it, what would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?" - Ellen de Generis

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH Latest news advises that a cell of 5 terrorists has been operating in the deep South passing themselves off as Rednecks. The FBI stated that 4 of the 5 have been detained: bin Fishin, bin Huntin, bin Drinkin, and bin Fightin: but they state they can find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, bin Workin. Police are confident that anyone who looks like bin Workin will be very easy to spot in this southern community.

"A friend traveling to NYC heard an aggressive driver's behavior described as 'So 9-10'." - Rene Buchanan

SOCIAL CLIMBERS A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. At the reception a very attractive guy explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. But once you go past a floor you cannot return." On the first floor, the sign reads: "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read: "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors. On to the fourth floor, the sign was "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight." The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads: "No men here. This floor was built only to prove it is impossible to please a woman."

"Foot Heads Arms Body" - Headline about leftwing MP Michael Foot leading a UK disarmament group from Graham Summers

A KNIGHT ON THE TOWN Top Changes in New York since Mayor Giuliani was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in recognition of his handling of the World Trade Center tragedy: * Two words: cab jousting! * Can't shake the feeling that he's being stalked by Elton John. * Subway turnstile jumpers: doused with molten lead * Mets now royally suck. * Gangs must now apply for and wear appropriate coats of arms. * Mafia takes care to add a "u" to "Labour Dispute." * He wasn't cheating on his wife, just exercising "droit de seigneur." * Rudy now expects more than just his girlfriend to kneel before him. * A tiara provides better coverage than a comb-over. * Tourists flock to Central Park to witness the ceremonial Changing of the Bums.

"There was nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." - PD Lew Archer by Ross (Ken Millar) McDonald

A SOLUTION FOR THE TALIBAN Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events--finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please! We've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years, and we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it--with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot flashes over their godforsaken terrain! I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too! "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" - Sportscaster Terry Venables

HOPE FROM THE HOPI (A message from The Elders of the Hopi nation, Oraibi, Arizona) You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour. Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour. And there are things to be considered: Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Where is your water? Know your garden. It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader. This could be a good time! There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water; see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally; least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration. We are the ones we've been waiting for.

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty" - Mahatma Ghandi

THE MYTH OF PROCTOR Ivan Berger writes about the tale of the "Cakes and Ale"from last orbit: "I can certify from personal experience that this story and/or several similar variations circulated freely around the true Cambridge some thirty or so years ago. Very probably it goes much further back... Proctors are University officials charged with ensuring that Gentlemen (and Ladies, these days) behave themselves responsibly in the town and are safely back in their Colleges late at night; they are not involved with the running of examinations (possibly because they have never been known for their intellectual accomplishments) so the official in the story would not have been a Proctor." Of course, several other killjoys referred me to the snopes.com Urban legends "cakesale" site. And to add insult to injury, Judge Proctor Hug retired from the Federal Court after 24 years on the bench. The coach never used him...

"Titanic, Mask of Zorro, Godzilla, Independence Day, BEAN, the Man in the Iron Mask, Jurassic Park, The Jackal, The Mummy and My Best Friend's Wedding" - Top 10 Grossing Films in the Middle East over the last 15 years." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

WE ARE ALL GUILTY! If you rented or purchased "Titanic", "Traffic" or "Lolita", you may have perpetrated a federal crime in possessing child pornography! So argued our Supreme Court justices in discussing the 1966 law making it a crime to sell or possess "any visual depiction" showing "simulated sex" with actors who can pass as minors. "What great works of Western art would be taken away from us if we were unable to show minors copulating?" posed Justice Antonin Scalia. "Romeo and Juliet," quipped Justice Stevens. "You've seen a different version of that than I have!" Scalia retorted.

"Many images are produced in public areas. Misuse or public display of images under these conditions carries the same limits of liability except that no value is given to these images." - Wolf Camera disclaimer

THE DOG SPEAKS From Ivan's Jokes: "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."(James Thurber) "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." (Robert A. Heinlein) "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." (Derek Bruce) "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." (Edward Abbey) "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." - Anon

"The work requested for the dog vomit shot has gone above and beyond the amount quoted in the bill." - Movie Memo

IT'S "WEIRDLY COOL!" This is (up to now) the airdates for the Firesign Theatre's one-hour special, "Weirdly Cool" with *live appearances and pre-recorded Firesign pitches indicated for your viewing pleasure. Be there or be square!

Wed Nov 28: *Philadelphia, PA, WHYY 8pm/9:30pm (PB/PB/DO) Fri Nov 30: *New York, WLIW 10pm (PB/PP) Sat Dec 1: Boston, MA, WGBH 11pm (Pre-recorded Firesign pitch) Los Angeles, CA, KCET 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Philadelphia, PA, WHYY 11pm & 12:30am Chicago, WTTW 10:45pm (Pre-recorded FST) Wash DC, WETA 10pm Dayton, OH, WPTD 10pm (live) Milwaukee, WI, WMVS 10:30pm. (Pre-recorded FST) Erie, PA, WQLN 10:30pm & 12:00am (Pre-recorded FST) Austin, TX, KLRU 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Toledo, O H, WGTE 10 pm Gainesville, WUFT 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Denver, CO, KRMA 10:20pm Sun Dec 2: *Atlanta, GA, WPBA 9pm (D0) St. Louis, MI, KETC 9:30pm CST (Pre-recorded FST) San Francisco, CA, KQED 1am (Pre-recorded FST) Miami, FL, WPBT (Pre-recorded FST) Rohnert Park, CA, KRCB Mon Dec 3: Minneapolis, MN, WTPT Mon 12/3 Grand Rapids, MI, WGVU 10 PM (Pre-recorded FST) Tues Dec 4: Nashville, TN, WDCN 10:30 PM (Pre-recorded FST) Tallahassee, FL, WFSU 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Wed Dec 5: *Houston, TX, KUHT 7pm (PB/PP) San Bernardino/Riverside KVCR 11:00pm (pledge) Portland, OR, KOPB 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Dallas, TX, KERA 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Dayton, OH, WPTD 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Thu Dec 6: Jacksonville, FL, WJCT 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Joplin, MO, KOCJ 10:30pm (Pre-recorded FST) Fri Dec 7: Urbana, Ill, WILL 9:30 pm (Pre-recorded FST) Sat Dec 8: Orlando, FL, WMFE 11:30pm (Pre-recorded FST) Sacramento, CA, KVIE midnight (Pre-recorded FST) Phoenix, AZ, KAET 10 PM (Pre-recorded FST) Los Angeles, CA, KOCE 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Salt Lake City, UT, KUED 10:00 p.m (Pre-recorded FST) Kansas City, MI, KCPT 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Cincinnatti, OH, WCET 11:30 p.m (Pre-recorded FST) Pensacola, FL, WSRE 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Sun Dec 9: Cleveland, OH, WVIZ 12:30am (Pre-recorded FST) San Bernardino/Riverside, CA, 9:30pm (live pitch) Idaho Public Television 11pm (not pledging) San Jose, CA, KTEH, Silicon Valley Public TV Tues Dec 11: Reno, NV, KNPB 9:30pm not firm (Pre-recorded FST) Akron, OH, WNEO 9:30 pm. (Pre-recorded FST) Fri Dec14: Buffalo, NY, WNED 9:00 pm (Pre-recorded FST) Seattle, WA, KCTS 11 pm (Pre-recorded FST) Sat Dec15: San Antonio, TX, KLRN 10 pm (Pre-recorded FST) Dallas, TX, KERA 10:30pm (Pre-recorded FST) Fri DEC 28: Las Vegas, NV, KLVX 9pm (not pledging) Denver, CO, KRMA - will air (Pre-recorded FST) Seattle, WA, KCTS- will air (Pre-recorded FST) Tampa, FL, WEDU - will air (Pre-recorded FST) Pittsburgh, PA, WQED will air (Pre-recorded FST)

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight - nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety - is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions and blood of better men than himself." - John Stuart Mill

++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 5, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor

Hello, Please send a prayer into the Field of Dreams for my friend Ken Kesey who has passed away. I enjoyed Ken even more than I enjoyed his works. For those that don't know his name, he wrote the novel "Sometimes a Great Notion" about the Stampers, loggers in Oregon, whose motto was "Never Give An Inch." The movie version starred Henry Fonda and Paul Newman. Ken also wrote "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". He was upset that the movie didn't follow the Point Of View of the schizoid Indian, Chief Bromden as he wrote it. Ken wrote the book while working at a mental hospital. Here is a Foxnews story about him. http://foxnews.com/story/0,2933,38495,00.html I met Ken at a Jerry Garcia concert in Eugene in 1976, with his grandmother. He showed me a magic trick. He invited to his farm in for a "Bruhaha". William Burrows and Alan Ginsberg were also invited. After leaving my FM DJ job in Eugene in 1976, the year we met, I often returned to perform there and talk to Ken and others I knew, when I visited the Oregon Country Fair held in July. I'd usually run into him just after dusk at a campfire. Ken likes to work "out of the box." Ken is a unique person who makes his own mold, talks his own talk, walks his own walk. I wish him well on his journey and my heart goes with him. I'm sure he's making the good spirits laugh, and has the bad spirits in a good natured head-lock wrestling pin. -Magic Mike

Hi, Here's some jokes. There is a new look, that I designed, at my site. I hope you like it. I have new links for the Harry Potter Store, and the Disney Store. I also added REI, Hickory Farms, Office Depot and 1800 Flowers. They are having sales this week. Today's wallpaper on my PhotoLink Page is amazing. A Sun Pillar is a column of light formed when ice crystals are in the air, falling, at sunset. The red column is seen above a serene Lake Tahoe and snow-capped mountains across from Lake Tahoe-Nevada State Park. New recipes have also been added. Stop by, http://funandmagic.com/ -Magic Mike

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey?" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it sure works." -- Henny Youngman

=---=-=-=-=-=

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me she could see from the bedroom window that I had left the light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in our area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.

I said "OK", hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

-=-=-=-=-=

"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."

-----=-=-=-=

What's the definition of an impotent loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

--=-==-=---=

"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug."

-- Steven Wright

Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Very well put, Mike. Thanks. Ken Babbs

__________ _/     | http://www.intrepidtrips.com |_ FURTHER _| Box 764 Pleasant Hill OR 97455 O O 541-741-1377

Ken Babbs is Kesey's partner on The Bus, and companion on many trips. If you have need to know where The Bus is going, or to express yourself, here is the site. -Magic Mike

Hi, Here's the latest Planet Proctor from Hollyweird. I'm adding new recipes to the Recipe for the holidays. The two pages are over 3 megs now. I suggest you check out an exciting dessert for the family dinner. I saw the Harry Potter movie last weekend. I thought it was terrific. I really enjoyed the books. Have a magic day! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2001.23- http://www.planetproctor.com "One day can make your life; one day can ruin your life. All life is four or five big days that change everything." - "Riding in Cars with Boys" by Beverly Donofrio LET US GIVE THANKS That November is not only the month that brings us Thanksgiving and the return of my dear wife, Melinda, from her triumph at the Milwaukee Rep; no - it's also International Drum Month, Peanut Butter Lover's Month and Slaughter Month. It also contained Plan Your Epitaph Day, Waiting For The Barbarians Day, Gun Powder Day, Dunce Day and Chaos Never Dies Day. But despair not, for we have yet to celebrate National Indian Pudding Day on the 13th, Occult Day (18), Absurdity Day (20), Start Your Own Country Day (22), Make Your Own Head Day (28), Peter Bergman's birthday (29) and finally on November 30 -- Stay At Home Because You're Well Day.

"I see drunk people." - West Hollywood Tee-Shirt

HOWL! A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson. The grandfather was explaining how he felt about a tragedy he had recently experienced. The grandfather said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one." The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?" The grandfather answered, "The one I feed." (From Ira Meyer)

"Buy a box of matches and carry them with you; I see a girl I want to flirt with, which is a sin, I light one. Ohhh! Hell hurts worse than this."- Muhammad Ali to Liz Smith PROOF AT LAST: CATS ARE SNEAKY The London Times has revealed that at the height of the Cold War, the CIA spent five years and more than $14.5 million to create a surgically outfitted Frankencat to spy on the Russians. They ostensibly "slit the cat open, but batteries in him and wired him back up; the tail was used as an antenna." His name? -- "Acoustic Kitty" Fiendishly clever (if true); the cat would then be released near the Kremlin, curling up on a windowsill or park bench for a nice nap while transmitting privileged conversations by Russian officials. On the big day, the CIA transported "A.K." to a park and released him from the surveillance van to become America's first fuzzy spy, as highly trained technicians hovered over dials, ready to record top secret Soviet conversations. And the result? Well, the cat, immediately upon hopping out of the van, was run over and killed by a taxi before it could make it across the street. My web master Tiny Dr. Tim notes, "Let's not forget that Frank Zappa once proposed using 'aerosol pork grenades' on the battlefield as a method of winning a war against Islamic fundamentalists."

"At the first sign of trouble, they cower under their beds like gutless cowards." - Brit Air's Rod Eddington on Hollywood Celebrities

IT'S FUNDAMENTAL "Apparently America has won the war on terrorism," writes Greg Steinberg in a letter to the L.A. Times. "Why else would [Attorney General] Ashcroft take the time to prolong the suffering of terminally ill people. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Like Osama bin Laden, Ashcroft is a religious fundamentalist." At the root, fundamentalism is a struggle against modernity, against individualism, against moral self-determination and, yes, against freedom. Fundamentalists share a belief that religious tenets, whether drawn from the Koran or the Bible, provide the supreme law. Thus fundamentalism is wholly authoritarian. Fundamentalism is radicalism. Look up radical in the dictionary: "the foundation source of something; fundamental; basic." Or, as summed up by frequent contributor Garry Margolis who quotes an Arabic friend teaching history at a Christian college: "Fundamentalism is fundamentalism is fundamentalism." "Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion." - Dr. Steven Weinberg, Nobel laureate physicist

THIS IS NO SHIT KFI talk show host and fellow voice-over artist April Winchell tells us of a website in Brazil <Cocadaboa.com.br> that claims it will send human excrement to the recipient of your choice for only $2.50 american. The site says: "Don't let your favorite politician, your teacher or that girl who despised you wait. Send them true shit. This is no joke". It adds, "The material is produced by true intestines and is stored for lab exams. It is the ideal gift for your worst enemy." The site also offers "e-shit" in which a picture of excrement is sent by e-mail. Kind of a "Scat Scan."

"If we launch a nuclear strike against China, all we do is solve their housing crisis." - Jeff "Skunkworks" Baxter SNATCHED 17-year-old Christian Silbereis wanted his Halloween costume to be "educational", so he arrived at his Ann Arbor, Michigan high school dressed as a giant vagina in a costume created by his mother. For some reason, school officials did not feel that the pink cape with wig hair, lace and satin trim was appropriate; and they suspended him for the rest of the week -- but he still copped the first prize. "It's anatomically correct," said Chris, "It's just another body part and they teach us about it in school. I mean, what if I was wearing an elbow costume? That's part of the body. Would they suspend me, then?"

"We're going to open envelopes without fear." - M.C. Billy West at the Annies Animation Awards GOOD SPORTS "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn) "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Horse racing's Ted Walsh) "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."(Alan Minter) "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (BBC's Harry Carpenter) "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it; you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson) "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (David Coleman, Montreal Olympics) "One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV Commentator on Arnold Palmer) "How would you call that kinda play, Diz?" asked Pee Wee Reese to Dizzy Dean when the camera showed a young couple making out in the cheap seats. "Well, ole buddy," Dizzy responded, "I guess I'd say he kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls." With that Pee Wee knocked over a beer and the screen went black. (From Ed Ryba)

"Bin Laden knew he would be a big deal after 9-11, so he signed with William Morris. That's why no one knows where he is or how to find him." - Jay Johnson, comedian and ventriloquist

GOOD SPORTS REDUX The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING. The sport of choice for the front-line workers is FOOTBALL. The sport of choice for the supervisors is BASEBALL. The sport of choice for the middle management is TENNIS. The sport of choice for the corporate executives is GOLF. Conclusion: the higher you rise in the corporate world, the smaller your balls. (From Take A Break)

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez SAY IT ISN'T SO You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from rebellious follicle syndrome. No one's tall anymore. They're vertically enhanced. You're not shy. You're conversationally selective. You don't talk a lot. You're just abundantly verbal. It's not called gossip anymore. It's the speedy transmission of near-factual information. Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's just passage-restrictive. Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit social speed bumps. You're not late; you just have a rescheduled arrival time. These days, a student isn't lazy. He's energetically declined. You're not sleeping in class; you're rationing consciousness. Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an out-of-notebook experience. No one fails a class anymore; he's merely passing-impaired. You don't have detention, you're just one of the exit-delayed. The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's digestively challenging. Your locker isn't overflowing with junk; it's just closure-prohibitive. You don't have smelly gym socks; you have odor-retentive athletic footwear. And you weren't caught passing notes in class. You were participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations. So, you're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building. (Take a Break, again)

"Every time we open our mouths, we are judged." - Cicero

WINCHELL WIPED The witty and outspoken talk show host, April Winchell, posted the following message to her station manager in a recent "Winchell Wiper" email: "KFI has temporarily given my Sunday show over to Fred Ebert. They want to continue the war coverage into the weekend. KFI offered me the option of doing 'wars 'n spores' on Sundays, but I can't think of anything I'd rather do less, except possibly give Drudge a pedicure. "I have mixed feelings about this whole deal. On the one hand, I hate the orgy of non-news being churned out by the media these days. I have to believe, that at least on the weekend (barring any breaking news), people just want a little down time. Judging by the overwhelming amount of email I've been getting to this effect, people appreciate a little mindless entertainment at the end of the week. And if anyone is mindless on KFI, it's me." Keep those April showers coming! KFI AM 640 Saturday eves, 7:00-10:00

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." - Karl Jung

POLLY ROWLES REDUCED My pal Patti Deutsch writes: "I suppose letters to obituary editors are considered poor form or not published for national security reasons in these troubled times. However, in the words of Mother Theresa, or maybe Joey Bishop (I sometimes get them confused, I know one is dead), 'Who do you have to f**k to get a little respect around here?' It's a good thing Polly Rowles died before her obituary appeared in the N.Y. and L.A. Times, because if she were here to read it she'd be plenty pissed... "Polly Rowles was A Well Respected Working Broadway Actress, damnit! She played Calpurnia in Orson Welles' modern dress Julius Caesar, appeared with Sir Lawrence Olivier in the West End, and co-starred with Melvyn Douglas, Julie Harris and Eileen Atkins on Broadway -- but the lead line was: 'Polly Rowles, best known as Inspector 12 for Hanes underwear.' This would stand her hackles on end were she not otherwise engaged now... "Polly was the 'ultimate dame' with a side order of 'grande dame.' She cared passionately about friends, family, her neighborhood, animals and those without a voice and without a dollar. She also cared passionately about things that pissed her off and was prepared to do battle with injustices, bigotry and stupidity (to name a few). She knew McCarthy was bad news before Nixon needed a shave. She picketed before picketing was fashionable, never mind newsworthy... "She took a remarkable journey and I feel honored to have been invited along...Even near the end when she was just a whisp of her former self, when asked what to avoid in a box of chocolates, she replied, 'The nut clusters.' I'll try to do just that." Farewell as well to Melvin Burkhart, 94, the sideshow "Human Blockhead", famed for driving nails up his nose; and speaking of "heads", we also lost prankster Ken Kesey. What a flashback!!!

"Bush has just finished his big talk to Congress and the men in suits are telling us what the men in uniforms are going to do to the men in turbans if they won't turn over the men in hiding." - Kesey THE BOTTOM LINE The Firesign Theatre is presently performing improvisational, inspirational and newly scripted material, 2-hours a month LIVE, around a big round table at Warren Dewey Studios in Santa Monica for the high-flying XM Satellite Radio Network. We call it "FOOLS IN SPACE" and the material will be exerpted and re-purposed over their 24/7 Comedy Channel150. We are also video-taping each show, and are still advising XM re the content and direction of their all-comedy channel.Fellow funnyman, Harry Shearer will also be broadcast on XM; as well as the L.A. Theatre Works radio performances, on the "ON BROADWAY" Channel.You'll have to purchase an XM Radio and pay a small monthly fee to get in on the fun. And finally, our latest Rhino CD, "The Bride of Firesign" is up for a Grammy Nomination along with David Ossman's "Wonderful Wizard of Oz" in the Children's category. Please vote early and often!

"This is not a bitter chicken, but he is having trouble coping with the modern world." - Commercial casting specs for a fast-food campaign

++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 18, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor

Hi, Here's a nice one for your wallpaper at my PhotoLinks Page at http://funandmagic.com/ Blade Rock, in Winter. Blade rock, located just East of Tsegi overlook, is a thin band of sandstone extending from the North Rim of Canyon de Chelly. From this angle its semi-circular shape is reinforced by the line of snow-covered trees which seem to prolong it. The cloud above, which bears a shape reminiscent of Blade Rock, strengthens the composition and help bring all the elements together. Reminder to enjoy my Stress Relief page. I also just added new main course and dessert recipes. Hey, perfect present? Harry Potter books and other things at my Harry Potter Store. Also, Mickey, Winney, and others at my Disney Store. Enjoy todays jokes. Planet Proctor Orbits the bottom, Have a magic day and pass it one, Magic Mike

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed Little Johnny in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When Little Johnny's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said Little Johnny. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." -- Jay Leno - - - - "President Bush is encouraging children to become pen-pals with other children in the Middle East. Oh, that's a good idea. Like parents are going to want to have their children opening letters, saying 'Look what I got, a letter from Afghanistan! Let's see what's in it'" -- Jay Leno - - - - "The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard." -- Jay Leno - - - - "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video, and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -- Jay Leno - - - -

Short one liners

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol level.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" written on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore, cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign in a pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours, and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make bloody marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now that's a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. (A Salted)

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

Now Here'ssssss Phil..........

(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.24 - http://www.planetproctor.com "To live creatively, to live honorably, to hurt no one as far as possible, to enjoy mortality, to fear neither death or immortality, to cherish fools and failures even more than wise men and saints since there are more of them; to believe, to hope, to work and to do these things with humor; to say yes, and not to say no." - Playwright William Saroyan

HE'S CAVING IN From: Bin Laden, Osama, To: Cavemates, Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Love you lots. Osama (From Take A Break, attribution unknown) P.S. If it looks like I'm going to be captured, kill me. Hugs, ObL

"Military justice is to justice, what military music is to music."- From Sinbad, AKA G.G. but attributed to either Groucho Marx or Clemenceau

SLIPPAGE Planeteer Mike Muskin writes that he's noticed "four juicy Freudian slips" on recent TV-news broadcasts. First, it was announced that President Bush would lead a nationwide "resuscitation" of the pledge of allegiance. Then a cable-TV news anchor was called a network "nose-caster". Then the "war on terrorism" was instead called the "war on television". Finally another "nosecaster", during a discussion of the worldwide arsenal of bio-weapons and wondering whether there was also a corresponding arsenal of antidotes, mentioned the "Administration's arsenal of anecdotes." (Sorry, Mike; but what's funny about that?)

"Want to make a million bucks? Invent a gadget that makes paper coming out of a laser printer SMELL like it's coming off of a mimeograph machine." - Richard Fish, CEO of LodesTone, new home of Firesign Theatre Records

MAKE YOUR MOVE! In the latest issue of "Pinnacle", the source for L.A. real estate and beyond, you can make "an offer they can't refuse" on Frank and Barbara Sinatra's Heavenly Bills estate featuring "two maids", (Frank had it his way). There's also a manageable 10-acre plot called "The Ranch", which features "a kennel that serves as a state-of-the-art gym" (fine for the pit bulls, but where can we work out?), includes a pool just "a jaunt from the main house" and a 2,500-square-foot guest quarters (that's a lot of quarters per square), all for a paltry $13, 500, 000. (Do they take credit cards? Do they return them?) But if you REALLY want to get away from it all - I mean NO tall buildings - how's about your own little volcanic, mystical 250-acre island in Tahiti, "holding more wonder than the imagination of a child" (a spoiled child, I would imagine) and described as a "developer's dream"? "In the beginning of the 18th century", waxes the brochure, "there were approximately 150 inhabitants who enjoyed the few springs of the whole island. The population left and the springs," it concludes, "were buried by landslides. "Reduced to $3,000,000. " CALL NOW! Our operators are on the streets.

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison BOOLAH-BOOLAH! In this month's Yale Alumni Magazine I found a remarkable observation from Marina Belica, Class of '81. "I began to write an e-mail..." she wrote to her class secretary, "when all hell broke loose. Soho (where I live) is close enough for me to have witnessed the second tower collapse before my eyes, but not before I saw a man jump from a high floor in the most unforgettable embrace of life I have ever seen. "He spread his arms wide and did the most graceful swan dive, a mythic figure, like Icarus, surrendering to his fate, a final majestic, and heroic act, choosing to fly before he died. Apparently, many people jumped. I saw only this man and never, ever will forget it."

"Paramount Classics felt New Yorkers weren't emotionally equipped for something bright or frothy or vivacious [after the events of 9-11]. They needn't have been concerned." - L.A. Times film critic John Anderson on "Sidewalks of New York"

IT'S A BUST A grieving Australian widow, Sandi Canesco, 26, has had her late husband Dustin's ashes injected into her breast implants after he was killed in a car accident, the British tabloid the Daily Star reported under the headline "Dust to Bust". "It dawned on me that if I carried Dustin's cremated remains in my breast implants, I'd never really have to part with him at all," she was quoted as saying in an article forwarded to me by "Take A Break". Tit's a fitting mammorial.

"The Rev. Jerry Falwell says even Osama bin Laden's soul could be saved if he converted to Christianity; but he would still deserve to be killed." - A.P. release

IN THE NOOSE The L.A. Times has been a-bursting with surrealistic news during these doom's days. For instance, while the good people of Oregon are fighting Ayatollah Ashcroft for their right to die at home; across the nation in Montgomery county, Maryland, home owners and apartment dwellers are fighting their neighbors for their right to smoke at home...and maybe die. Seems they passed a measure stipulating that one's smoke "cannot cross property lines." In the meanwhile, back here in L.A., formerly disconnected souls adrift on the mean streets are celebrating the advent of cable-TV to skid row. Says Joe Shelby Walker, who's occupied a room in the Hotel Carlton for almost 40 years, "This is gonna keep me off the streets at night." He was watching gangster movies and a John Wayne film. Councilwoman Jan Perry helped to get 'em hooked up and thanked AT&T for supplying service to "a previously untested client base." Many of the approximately 3,000 residents are pensioners or vets and can afford minimum service...and mediocre entertainment. Then, there is an astonishing look into medical practices under the talons of the Taliban by staff writer Paul Watson, which reveals that surgeons in Kabul were not allowed to operate on female patients but had to stand in a doorway and relay procedures to a nurse wearing a head-to-toe burka, limiting her vision and her hygiene, like the Doctor's obligatory beard. Prior to the fall of the Theocracy, the Doctor interviewed had not been allowed to set eyes on the body of a suffering female or to deliver babies for 5 years. But immediately after November 13th, Dr. Hashem assisted many of 84 newborn Afghans into a "changed world." And we ain't talkin' 'bout diapers... And finally, in Spin Buldak, a flood of Western journalists entered the newly liberated town, to put their spin on things. "Look at them, here they are," said a resident as reported by the Times' Tyler Marshall and Alissa J. Rubin. "First they bomb us, then they come to visit."

"What happened here was the gradual habituation of the people, little by little, to being governed by surprise; to receiving decisions deliberated in secret." - Milton Mayer, "They Thought they Were Free; The Germans, 1933-1935" WHAT'S IN A WORD? The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to alter a word by adding, subtracting, or changing a letter and supply a new definition. The winners: 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (Call me in case this confuses you) 6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. 9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10) Glibido: All talk and no action. 11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

"A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!" - From Patty Paul

BALLS!!! Tim Tuffield and several others noted that golfer Arnie Palmer's wife said to Johnny Carson on the "Tonight Show that she "kissed Arnie's balls the morning before a tournament," to which Johnny rejoined, "That must really make his putter stand up." Could be. I actually remember hearing the same bit on an old "Bloopers" record in the 50s. Can anyone confirm the real origin of this event?

"Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers, and they do pretty much the same thing." - writer Margaret Chittenden

STOP BUGGIN' ME Scott Morrison tells us that in the May 26 issue of Science News there's an item about some really odd and outrageous scientific names for new species from prankish scientists: names such as Aegrotocatellus (sick puppy), for a type of trilobite; Eucritta Melanolimnetes, meaning "creature from the black lagoon" for a fossilized amphibian; Stupidogobius, a fish; Cuttysarkus Estes (a fossil lizard); Mozartella Beethoveni (a wasp); Petula Clarki (a tineid, whatever that is); Polemistus Chewbacca (a wasp); and finally, Avalanchurus Lennoni, A. Atarri, and Struszia McCartneyi (for beetles, natch); Agra Phobia and Agra Vation (more beetles) and Heerz Lukenatya and Verae Peculya, (for...beetles). Who says Americans are weak in science?!

"Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

OFF I GO... To Philadelphia, New York and Houston to appear live with other Firesigns during pledge breaks on our PBS Special "Weirdly Cool." Watch for bits and blurbs about it in TV Guide, Time magazine and other local and national publications. Send me copies! Also, catch me and Melinda in one of Jerry Fineman's cult films, "Brothers Divided" in Stephen Kessler's "The Independent" starring Jerry Stiller.

"The suspense results from guessing how many people will return to their seats after intermission and how many of those brave returnees will stay awake." - Review of "Murder Plot" by L.A. Times critic J.J.M.

AND SPEAKING OF THEATRE... The annual Antaeus Gala fundraiser will take place on Monday, December 17, with performances of A.A. (call me "Pooh") Milne's adaptation of "The Ugly Duckling" with music and lyrics by Jan Powell and Ken Stone and additional dialogue by John Achorn and yours truly. Melinda and I will also be performing. If you're interested in attending the 6:30 or 9:30 shows (with a casual warm supper and raffle between) LET ME KNOW and I'll send you details.

"I was afraid to even hum." - Afghan singer Mohammadvali, Robyn Dixo, L.A. Times

RETRIBUTION AND ATTRIBUTION I've been flamed recently by well intentioned, hot headed Firefans who chide me for not always appending non-original material with a source. Well, I try; but it's a daunting task. However, if someone sends me a proper attribution, I always see to it that my faithful web master, Tiny Dr. Tim credits the piece at the permanent Planet Proctor site; so keep up that de-constructive criticism. This column is just for fun, and if "Funny Times" reprints anything from it, they bend over backwards to give appropriate credits. Sometimes they even print things backwards to protect the innocent. Finally, for those of you anxious to see my beautiful wife, Melinda, as she may look in another half-century, go below. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 dollars. (Shit! Who said that?)

http://www.planetproctor.com/2001/pp01-21.html http://www.firesigntheatre.com/proctor/

"Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country...It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country." - President Theodore Roosevelt, 1908

++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 26, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor

(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.24 - http://www.planetproctor.com "To live creatively, to live honorably, to hurt no one as far as possible, to enjoy mortality, to fear neither death or immortality, to cherish fools and failures even more than wise men and saints since there are more of them; to believe, to hope, to work and to do these things with humor; to say yes, and not to say no." - Playwright William Saroyan

HE'S CAVING IN From: Bin Laden, Osama, To: Cavemates, Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Love you lots. Osama (From Take A Break, attribution unknown) P.S. If it looks like I'm going to be captured, kill me. Hugs, ObL

"Military justice is to justice, what military music is to music."- From Sinbad, AKA G.G. but attributed to either Groucho Marx or Clemenceau

SLIPPAGE Planeteer Mike Muskin writes that he's noticed "four juicy Freudian slips" on recent TV-news broadcasts. First, it was announced that President Bush would lead a nationwide "resuscitation" of the pledge of allegiance. Then a cable-TV news anchor was called a network "nose-caster". Then the "war on terrorism" was instead called the "war on television". Finally another "nosecaster", during a discussion of the worldwide arsenal of bio-weapons and wondering whether there was also a corresponding arsenal of antidotes, mentioned the "Administration's arsenal of anecdotes." (Sorry, Mike; but what's funny about that?)

"Want to make a million bucks? Invent a gadget that makes paper coming out of a laser printer SMELL like it's coming off of a mimeograph machine." - Richard Fish, CEO of LodesTone, new home of Firesign Theatre Records

MAKE YOUR MOVE! In the latest issue of "Pinnacle", the source for L.A. real estate and beyond, you can make "an offer they can't refuse" on Frank and Barbara Sinatra's Heavenly Bills estate featuring "two maids", (Frank had it his way). There's also a manageable 10-acre plot called "The Ranch", which features "a kennel that serves as a state-of-the-art gym" (fine for the pit bulls, but where can we work out?), includes a pool just "a jaunt from the main house" and a 2,500-square-foot guest quarters (that's a lot of quarters per square), all for a paltry $13, 500, 000. (Do they take credit cards? Do they return them?) But if you REALLY want to get away from it all - I mean NO tall buildings - how's about your own little volcanic, mystical 250-acre island in Tahiti, "holding more wonder than the imagination of a child" (a spoiled child, I would imagine) and described as a "developer's dream"? "In the beginning of the 18th century", waxes the brochure, "there were approximately 150 inhabitants who enjoyed the few springs of the whole island. The population left and the springs," it concludes, "were buried by landslides. "Reduced to $3,000,000. " CALL NOW! Our operators are on the streets.

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison BOOLAH-BOOLAH! In this month's Yale Alumni Magazine I found a remarkable observation from Marina Belica, Class of '81. "I began to write an e-mail..." she wrote to her class secretary, "when all hell broke loose. Soho (where I live) is close enough for me to have witnessed the second tower collapse before my eyes, but not before I saw a man jump from a high floor in the most unforgettable embrace of life I have ever seen. "He spread his arms wide and did the most graceful swan dive, a mythic figure, like Icarus, surrendering to his fate, a final majestic, and heroic act, choosing to fly before he died. Apparently, many people jumped. I saw only this man and never, ever will forget it."

"Paramount Classics felt New Yorkers weren't emotionally equipped for something bright or frothy or vivacious [after the events of 9-11]. They needn't have been concerned." - L.A. Times film critic John Anderson on "Sidewalks of New York"

IT'S A BUST A grieving Australian widow, Sandi Canesco, 26, has had her late husband Dustin's ashes injected into her breast implants after he was killed in a car accident, the British tabloid the Daily Star reported under the headline "Dust to Bust". "It dawned on me that if I carried Dustin's cremated remains in my breast implants, I'd never really have to part with him at all," she was quoted as saying in an article forwarded to me by "Take A Break". Tit's a fitting mammorial.

"The Rev. Jerry Falwell says even Osama bin Laden's soul could be saved if he converted to Christianity; but he would still deserve to be killed." - A.P. release

IN THE NOOSE The L.A. Times has been a-bursting with surrealistic news during these doom's days. For instance, while the good people of Oregon are fighting Ayatollah Ashcroft for their right to die at home; across the nation in Montgomery county, Maryland, home owners and apartment dwellers are fighting their neighbors for their right to smoke at home...and maybe die. Seems they passed a measure stipulating that one's smoke "cannot cross property lines." In the meanwhile, back here in L.A., formerly disconnected souls adrift on the mean streets are celebrating the advent of cable-TV to skid row. Says Joe Shelby Walker, who's occupied a room in the Hotel Carlton for almost 40 years, "This is gonna keep me off the streets at night." He was watching gangster movies and a John Wayne film. Councilwoman Jan Perry helped to get 'em hooked up and thanked AT&T for supplying service to "a previously untested client base." Many of the approximately 3,000 residents are pensioners or vets and can afford minimum service...and mediocre entertainment. Then, there is an astonishing look into medical practices under the talons of the Taliban by staff writer Paul Watson, which reveals that surgeons in Kabul were not allowed to operate on female patients but had to stand in a doorway and relay procedures to a nurse wearing a head-to-toe burka, limiting her vision and her hygiene, like the Doctor's obligatory beard. Prior to the fall of the Theocracy, the Doctor interviewed had not been allowed to set eyes on the body of a suffering female or to deliver babies for 5 years. But immediately after November 13th, Dr. Hashem assisted many of 84 newborn Afghans into a "changed world." And we ain't talkin' 'bout diapers... And finally, in Spin Buldak, a flood of Western journalists entered the newly liberated town, to put their spin on things. "Look at them, here they are," said a resident as reported by the Times' Tyler Marshall and Alissa J. Rubin. "First they bomb us, then they come to visit."

"What happened here was the gradual habituation of the people, little by little, to being governed by surprise; to receiving decisions deliberated in secret." - Milton Mayer, "They Thought they Were Free; The Germans, 1933-1935" WHAT'S IN A WORD? The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to alter a word by adding, subtracting, or changing a letter and supply a new definition. The winners: 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (Call me in case this confuses you) 6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. 9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10) Glibido: All talk and no action. 11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

"A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!" - From Patty Paul

BALLS!!! Tim Tuffield and several others noted that golfer Arnie Palmer's wife said to Johnny Carson on the "Tonight Show that she "kissed Arnie's balls the morning before a tournament," to which Johnny rejoined, "That must really make his putter stand up." Could be. I actually remember hearing the same bit on an old "Bloopers" record in the 50s. Can anyone confirm the real origin of this event?

"Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers, and they do pretty much the same thing." - writer Margaret Chittenden

STOP BUGGIN' ME Scott Morrison tells us that in the May 26 issue of Science News there's an item about some really odd and outrageous scientific names for new species from prankish scientists: names such as Aegrotocatellus (sick puppy), for a type of trilobite; Eucritta Melanolimnetes, meaning "creature from the black lagoon" for a fossilized amphibian; Stupidogobius, a fish; Cuttysarkus Estes (a fossil lizard); Mozartella Beethoveni (a wasp); Petula Clarki (a tineid, whatever that is); Polemistus Chewbacca (a wasp); and finally, Avalanchurus Lennoni, A. Atarri, and Struszia McCartneyi (for beetles, natch); Agra Phobia and Agra Vation (more beetles) and Heerz Lukenatya and Verae Peculya, (for...beetles). Who says Americans are weak in science?!

"Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

OFF I GO... To Philadelphia, New York and Houston to appear live with other Firesigns during pledge breaks on our PBS Special "Weirdly Cool." Watch for bits and blurbs about it in TV Guide, Time magazine and other local and national publications. Send me copies! Also, catch me and Melinda in one of Jerry Fineman's cult films, "Brothers Divided" in Stephen Kessler's "The Independent" starring Jerry Stiller.

"The suspense results from guessing how many people will return to their seats after intermission and how many of those brave returnees will stay awake." - Review of "Murder Plot" by L.A. Times critic J.J.M.

AND SPEAKING OF THEATRE... The annual Antaeus Gala fundraiser will take place on Monday, December 17, with performances of A.A. (call me "Pooh") Milne's adaptation of "The Ugly Duckling" with music and lyrics by Jan Powell and Ken Stone and additional dialogue by John Achorn and yours truly. Melinda and I will also be performing. If you're interested in attending the 6:30 or 9:30 shows (with a casual warm supper and raffle between) LET ME KNOW and I'll send you details.

"I was afraid to even hum." - Afghan singer Mohammadvali, Robyn Dixo, L.A. Times

RETRIBUTION AND ATTRIBUTION I've been flamed recently by well intentioned, hot headed Firefans who chide me for not always appending non-original material with a source. Well, I try; but it's a daunting task. However, if someone sends me a proper attribution, I always see to it that my faithful web master, Tiny Dr. Tim credits the piece at the permanent Planet Proctor site; so keep up that de-constructive criticism. This column is just for fun, and if "Funny Times" reprints anything from it, they bend over backwards to give appropriate credits. Sometimes they even print things backwards to protect the innocent. Finally, for those of you anxious to see my beautiful wife, Melinda, as she may look in another half-century, go below. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 dollars. (Shit! Who said that?)

http://www.planetproctor.com/2001/pp01-21.html http://www.firesigntheatre.com/proctor/

"Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country...It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country." - President Theodore Roosevelt, 1908

++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 26, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor

Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/