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Magic Mike's Joke Page #4
Subject: It's Saturday. Quit lion around!
Date: Sat, 25 Jul 1998 11:19:47 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb/
To: Magic Mike B and Bcc's
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Grandson to to Grandfather: "Gee, Granddad, your generation didn't have all these social diseases. What did you wear to have safe sex?
Grandfather's answer = "A wedding ring."
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you - you're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong In bus!"
Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommie, who told you how to drive?"
Political correctness strikes again. Political correctness is defined as having the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
Subject: Friday funnies and a nice wet pic Date:
Fri, 24 Jul 1998 08:50:12 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb/
To: Magic Mike B and Bcc's<mmb@TradeShowMagic.com
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
We do precision guesswork.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Subject: "One neuron short of a synapse."Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 08:26:23 -0700
From: mmb <mmb/
To: Magic Mike B <mmb/ Hi!
That last wallpaper of Ghost galaxy NGC 2915 was SOOOO awesome, I don't know why I'm sending anymore. I hope you put it on your desk. But here's another fun pic anyway to view.
Have a magic day and pass this on.
parlor.htm Renewed Expression
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
=Acting Like A BIG Kid ( old one but i like it)
The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A survey of 1000 American women and men revealed this
as their least favorite household chore. What is it?
It is estimated that 9 out of 10 American women do this
with their feet.
In a recent survey, Americans were asked what one modern convenience they could not live without. The most common answer... Scotch tape.
Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite
sex. What is it?
What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every
other TV show?
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
The average person will spend approximately one year out of their lifetime doing this. What is it? Searching for lost or misplaced items.
Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name requested?
Most executives say this automatically eliminates a candidate
from job consideration - what is it?
More women do this in the bathroom than men.
If you're single, there's a 2 in 3 chance you did this the last time you were with your significan't other. Lied.
It takes an average person about 7 minutes to do this.Fall asleep.
What is the most common name in the world?
What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
Surveys reveal that girls do this for the first time in
their back yard.
A "Bridal Guide" survey reveals that 77% of
all newlywed couples do this.
In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their
It takes an average woman 14 minutes to do this after
she gets in bed.
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have
to go until you would find the letter "A"?
The odds are 1 in 2 that your best friend will do this
if you are a married man.
Hockey legend Wayne Gretsky does this for good luck.
What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers
and laser printers all have in common?
Some Men are pee pee shy in public. Experts agree that
this will help them go.
Married men revealed that they do this twice as often
as single men.
This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation.
Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
What first went on sale to the public in pharmacies on
May 9, 1960?
42% of all women over the age of 26 who have done this,
never get married.
Who is "Lisa Gheradini"?
This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
There are more collect calls on this day than any other
day of the year.
What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny)
is most ironic?
The average woman spends 2.7 years of her life where?In the bathroom.
40% of all people who come to a party in your home do
3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen,
21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?Flush the toilet.
What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"? Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.Cheating on their spouse.What's unique about the Beatle's song "Eleanor Rigby"?The Beatles did not play a single note in the song.
Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:
1. "Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
13. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
14. "A room temperature IQ."
15. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
16. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
17. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
18. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
19. "Bright as Alaska in December."
20. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Fell out of the family tree."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Subject: "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." Last long mailer and stars and Proctor
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1998 21:38:48 -0700
From: Magic M B <mmb/
To: People Who Like A Cosmic Joke/View <
Hi ! Is it hot there? What's worse? The heat? Or, hearing
people ask, "Is it hot enough for ya?"
Phil's Orbit is closer to the top this week, but first, this diet that was sent me. This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the average workday.
LATE EVENING SNACK
RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda
3. When you eat with other people, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, like hot chocolate, brandy toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone around you, you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods, like Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls, do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. Breaking cookies causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are preparing something for someone else.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Example: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Now, here'sssss Phil !!
((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 98 - 20
Lhfable says, "I believe the decade commencing in the year 2000 will be called the pre-teens." To which Dan Quayle adds,"The Republican Party's going to have to come up with someone to run against Bill Clinton in the year 2000." (Oh, Hell, let's elect him!!!)
LET'S EAT Although we missed the Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas in June, it's not too late to enjoy the International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest in Eau Claire, Wisconsin; the Celebration of the Largest Cheryr Pie at 37,740 lbs. in Oliver, British Columbia; or the World's Largest Ice Cream Sundae in Edmonton, Alberta (54, 914 lbs with 4,041,670 grams of fat). Or spoon garlic ice cream at California's Gilroy Garlic Festival, or at Proctor's birthday party on the 28th. I'll on Oregon's Mount Hood (or flying back from it) with my honey after playing Brother Shecky in Steve Sandoz's short film "God's Own Clowns" with the Firey Foursome. (Don't blow those candles out, please...) Happy birthday, also to July 23rd's Edie McClurg!!! And lest we forget as Rdubin reminds us, on July 15, 1205, "Pope Innocent III set the church doctrine dooming all Jews to perpetual servitude and subjugation due to the crucifixion of Jesus." What a guy!
"Do television evangelists do more than lay people?" - asks Paul Moor
TIT'S NO CRIME TAMPA, Fla. (Reuters) - A topless dancer clubbed a nightclubber with her boobs, but did not injure him, former New York City Mayor Ed Koch ruled in a "People's Court" trial of the guy's personal injury lawsuit. Koch instructed court officer Josephine Longobardi to take Peaks into his chambers and examine her breasts to see if they were "like two cement blocks." as plaintiff Paul Shimkonis testified. Longobardi told the judge she estimated they weighed about 2 pounds each and were 20 percent silicone and the rest natural. "They were not as dense as the plaintiff described. They were soft," said co-executive producer and show host, Harvey Levin. How did he know?.
"If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions." - from B. Lloyd
DA DA DA DAAAA!!! The Detroit Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth and there's a 20-minute passage during which the bass violinists have nothing to do, so rather than sit around looking stupid, they decided to sneak offstage and go to next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers (as bass violinists are want to do), one of them checked his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "Don't worry," said a fellow bassisit, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
WHAT A RUSH The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble space telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.... (thanks to someone)
SPEAKING OF LAWYERS The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. The guy was all over the road. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. He hit me and went under my car. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. I collided with a stationary car going the other way. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. I had been shopping for plants all day. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. (The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.)
"What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a four-way stop." Vanna Bonta
GREAT SEUSS'S GHOST Some rejected Seuss titles making the rounds: The Cat in The Blender, Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert, Fox in Detox, Who Shat in the Hat, Horton Hires a Ho, The Flesh-Eating Lorax, The Grinch's Ten Inches, My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket, Aunts in My Pants, Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff, Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?, and Are You My Proctologist?
AND SPEAKING OF PROCTOLOGY This guy wants to be one, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class to practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there's a cork in his ass! He thinks it a little strange, so he pulls it out and he hears, "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out, returns with the Medical Examiner. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out. "On the road again..." The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says, "Any asshole can sing country music!"
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---" Last words of Union General John Sedgwick at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.
YOU ANIMAL! A story gained international coverage about a wild Japanese monkey that brought the city of Osaka to a standstill when it took a kitten hostage on TV and ultimately escaped from over fifty armed policemen. But other monkeyshines made the news as well: In the Bangladesh village of Savar, a wild monkey on a rampage hospitalized at least thirteen people. But while vigilante groups and police were hunting it down, a group called "Youth for Animals" staged demonstrations, chanting, "You have nothing to fear. We are with you," and carried signs reading "We are ready to die for the freedom of the monkey." Also, authorities in Kampala, Uganda, announced that they were hunting a man who knocks out gorillas with tranquilizer darts, then dresses them in clown outfits. (Must have seen "Dr. Dolittle...) Finally, after a mountain lion attacked and killed a marathon runner in California's Sierra foothills, a trust fund was set up for the woman's two children. After authorities tracked and killed the lion, another fund was established for the lion's orphaned cub. While the cub's fund had reached $21,000 in just weeks, the children's trust held only $9,000.
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." - Flight Attendant's comment after a lame landing.
WHAT'S IN A NAME? From the book, "Bizarre Tales from New Scientist": In Scandinavia, look for Schmuck Papers, Fartek babywear, Krapp toilet tissues (I have some), Bums Biscuits and Nora Knackers crackers. Dribly lemonade, Mental breath freshners, Mukk yogurt, and Smeg kitchen appliances can be found in Pagnacco, Italy, where you can get tools from a shop called Smut; while Amsterdam offers Vaccine (an aftershave) and Glans (a shampoo). Skina Babe baby lotion and Cow shaving foam are stocked in Japan; Bonka coffee and Arses wine in Spain; and while Greece offers Zit lemonade, you can down Cock Drops cocktails bitters in Cyprus, swallow carbonated Prik in the Netherlands or guzzle Pee Cola in Ghana. Germany sells Plops savory snacks and Bum toilet paper; Brits can buy Foul Medames tinned beans, Mexicans, Bimbo biscuits, and the French can get up to Crapsy and Plopsies (both high-fiber cereals). "If Al Capp married Al Pacino, they would both be Al Cappacino -- but only one would be a necrophile." Michael Dare
BOWLED OVER Thanks to Betty Thomas for throwing a super bowling bash for her cast and crew this Sunday evening to celebrate the hundred-million-mark for "Dr. Dolittle" -- who's graciously NOT living up to his name!
SOMETHING FISHY And to celebrate my first residual check, I'm going right out to buy a Virtual Fish Tank by NEC's Fish Club -- a laser disc machine that offers a variety of tropical fish displayed on a 32-inch screen behind a water-filled, bubbling facade! And it's only $17,000!!! I'll buy two. One for Betty.
WHAT ALES YE? "The Beer Prayer" (Gracias to Gurvitch) Our lager, which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thine will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home, as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill it upon us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers; For thine is the beer, and the bitter, And the lager, forever. Bar men.
+++++++++++(7/20/98)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: * PLANETPROCTOR:http://www.clark.net/pub/rarnold/firesign/pp* ANIMATED LOGO: http://www.SteveCox.com/proctor/pa.htm
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1998 by Phil Proctor
Here's more! I warned you!! -mmA Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
====A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down he caught hold of a
small branch wedged in the rock. "Help, is there anybody up there?"
he shouted, and a majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will
help you my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes,
yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch."
boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
"Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?" "A horsy." one child answered. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy." replied another youngster. "And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now children." she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" said one little girl. "It's a horny bastard.".- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water." Patient: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?" "You're not drinking enough water."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON: A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE by Texas Bix Bender
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
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