Subject: Happy 21st Century! Happy Third Millennieum Date: December 31, 2000 10:45PM PST

Magic Mike wrote:

Hi, Happy New Year. Happy 21st Century! Happy Third Millennieum. THIS is actually the landmark New Year's Eve, the first year of the 21st Century. What better picture for our desk than the famous drawing by Camille Flammarion, né en 1842 à Montigny-le-Roi (Haute-Marne) et mort en 1925 à Juvisy sur Orge (Essonne), est le fondateur de l'Observatoire privé de Juvisy et de la Société astronomique de France en 1887. Enter http://www.funandmagic.com/ and go to Best Photo Of The Day. Phil Proctor bring us the last Orbit of the year to wish you a New One, patrolling the lower realm of today's email. It's an hour and 15 til midnight here, and I'm out the door to celebrate! Have a great one!! -Magic Mike

Advice from Bill Gates

Here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things the students did not learn in school. He talks about how

feel-good, politically-correct teaching has created a full generation of

kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

RULE 1 Life is not fair; get used to it.

RULE 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

RULE 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

RULE 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping. They called it opportunity.

RULE 6 If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes; learn from them.

RULE 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. Some schools have abolished failing grades, and they'll give you as many

times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It was "sharing time" in a kindergarten full of bright children. The teacher was presiding over a discussion about the children's parents. One child said, "Well, my mother's a Catholic and my father's a Jew.

"Oh, wow!" said another. "So what do you believe?"

"I believe in everything," said the first child.

"What do you mean 'everything'?" asked another child.

"Well, you know," said the first child, "Jesus Christ, Moses, Snow White, everything."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Good job

Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"

"It's the worst job I ever had."

"How long have you been there?"

"About three months."

"Why don't you quit?"

"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to

going home."

-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

When I taught English, I cited Santa and Mrs. Claus as examples of independent and dependent clauses.

HERE'S PHILLLLLLLLLLLLL

Subject: PP 2000/30 Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 16:13:29 -0500 From: phil proctor PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 pproctor@compuserve.com

(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/30 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"Perry Como's Christmas Special: The members of a Greek family are murdered systematically in a bizarre fashion." - Old Toronto Sun TV listing

THE DAY AFTER CHRI$TMA$ 'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting -- even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Macys, now Broadway, now Pennys and Sears Here's Levitz and Target and Mervyn's --all here!! To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer -- "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT...YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

"The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills." - Trivia from Magic Mike

J.C. SUPERSTAR REDUX "Jesus was this cool guy who lived 2,000 years ago. He had long hair and wore a robe and he preached peace and love and stuff till he got a lot of followers who thought he was the messiah. Then one of his followers named Judas betrayed him to the Romans who nailed him to a cross and he died. Then I went backstage and met him and told him how good he was. I told him I really liked the part where they crucified him. Then I met Judas and told him how good he was, even better than Jesus. "It was really cool because dad was friends with Jesus, and this

wasn't some new Jesus, it was the original Jesus. Then dad and Jesus and

Judas had a glass of wine together while I ran around the dressing room playing with Jesus's kids." (Michael Dare's 8-year-old son, Buster, at the Universal Amphitheatre revival of "Jesus Christ, Super Star" c. 1995)

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." - Jack Handy

I DEMAND A RECOUNT!!! Magic Mike writes that Jerry Lewis was substituting for Johnny Carson when Ed McMahon "decided he was going to teach me the NBC announcer's test [which] involves retention, memory, repetition, enunciation, diction, and ten factors that use every alphabet letter ...

"One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four limerick oysters, five corpulent porpoises, six pairs of Don Elverzo's tweezers, seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array, eight brass monkeys from the ancient sacred crypts of Egypt, nine apathetic, sympathetic diabetic old

men on roller skates with a marked propensity for procrastination and sloth, 10 lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who hall stall around the corner of the quo of the quay of the quivery -- all at the same time." This is also known as the Tibetan Memory Trick, traced to the Boy Scouts' Song Book and Flo & Eddy of The Turtles. So, the Carol Conspiracy deepens...unless you "believe" the killjoys over at Urban Legends: http://www.snopes2.com/holidays/xmas/12days.htm

"Average wage of a mall Santa, $11 an hour. With real beard, $20; (Pogonophobia -- the fear of beards)." - More from the Magical Michael

SEND THEM TO MARS! 60 F * Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats. New Englanders sunbathe. 50 F * New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. They plant gardens. 40 F * Italian cars won't start. They drive with the windows down. 32 F * Distilled water freezes. Lake Winnapesaukee cools off. 20 F * Californians shiver uncontrollably. New Englanders have the last cookout before it gets cold. 15 F * New York landlords finally turn up the heat. They throw on a "sweatah." 0 F * Californians fly away to Mexico. They take in the flag. -20 F * People in Miami cease to exist. New Englanders get out winter coats. -40 F * Hollywood disintegrates. Maine Girl Scouts sell cookies door to door. -60 F * Penguins flee Antarctica. N.E. Boy Scouts do "Winter Survival" classes. -80 F * Mount St. Helen's freezes. New Hampshire-ers rent videos. -100 F * Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. New Englanders are frustrated because they can't thaw the keg. -297 F * Microbial life survives on dairy products. Cows in Rhode Island

complain of farmers with cold hands. -460 F * Atomic motion stops. New Englanders ask: "Cold 'nuff for ya?" -500 F * Hell freezes over. The Red Sox win the World Series.

"Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg." - Anonymous

I STAYED HOME FOR XMAS The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter. Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?" "Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

"...And a nose like a cherry? It's called ROSACEA and you don't have to put up with it anymore!" - L. A. Times ad for The Advanced Laser & Anti-Aging Medical Center (Gift Certificates Available)

SANTA MURDERED! According to nice boy, Robert Clotworthy, the L.A. County D.A.'s

office reported that naughty James Patrick Wood, 23, of Palmdale, pleaded guilty to the fatal beating of 64-year-old John Gailer, affectionately known as "Santa Claus" because of his distinctive beard and long hair, and was sentenced to 15 years to life in prison -- plus an additional year for use of a metal pipe. Sheriff's deputies recovered the body three days after the slaying when they received complaints about "a foul smell" coming from Wood's Antelope Valley apartment. (Santa's pipe tobacco?)

"There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S."- Magic Mike P.C./ PC The Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7-inch hard grive with NO memory. The Bob Dole Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The Lewinsky Virus: Sucks out all the memory, then emails everyone. The Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

The Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes. The Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files. The Prozac Virus: Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't

care. The Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates files, leaves, but "will be back." The Lorena Bobbitt Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

"Will the next President be able to avoid his predecessor's football?" - Closed-caption on Fox cable TV.

LEARN YOUR LINES At 78, American theatre icon, Jason Robards, took his "curtains"

call but will long be remembered for his unique and exquisite portrayals

elevating the "character" actor to heights never before attained. I worked with him in David Ossman's and Judith Walcutt's award-winning "War of the Worlds" audio production and found him pleasant, accessible and passionately committed. He often portrayed characters by playwright Eugene O'Neill and said, "I rely on the author. I don't want actors reasoning with me about 'motivation' and all that bull. All I want 'em to do is learn the . . . lines and don't bump into each other." (That ". . . " speaks volumes!)

And Richard Brestoff writes that the late "Victor Borge's line about a smile reminds me of a simple proposition from the not yet thoroughly understood 'physics of comedy' -- The shortest distance between two jokes is a straight line."

"I'm startin' a group called 'DAMAD -- 'Drunks Against Mothers Against Drunk Driving'!" - Texas drinking pard of actor Terry Evans

SANDOZ SLEEPS It was with great sadness that I heard that director/writer and friend Steve Sandoz had finally given up the ghost in Portland, Oregan. His was a brave, long and daring struggle with pernicious cancer, and his spirit and art will live long after his passing. I'm so glad to have known him both personally and professionally over so many wonderful years. I hope to soon receive more detailed news regarding his passing and his many achievements so that I can accurately portray his amazing life in a future orbit of the Planet.

"There are two kinds of fools. One kind says, 'This is new and therefore good.' The other kind says, 'This is old and therefore better.'" - Anonymous

. . . BUT WHO'S COUNTING? * If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are

more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. * If your parents are still alive (and still married)...you are very rare, even in the United States. * If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world. * If you have money in the bank and in your wallet and spare change in

a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. * If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation...you are

ahead of 500 million people in the world. * If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the

world. * If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in

that someone was thinking of you and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all. Count your blessings.

"12 months ago...anybody who owned a physical store was considered to be an idiot, a Luddite, [but] evolution works very fast." - Erick Gordon, director of the Florida Center for Retailing

WHAT AN ODD-YSSEY! Science fiction writer Arthur C. Clarke, author of "2001: A Space Odyssey," urges the world to celebrate the new millennium tonight and said in a statement from his home in Colombo, Sri Lanka: "The intelligent minority of this world will mark 1 January 2001

as the real beginning of the 21st century and the Third Millennium."

"When public opinion can determine what is a fact -- that's not a good thing." - Jeff De Tray, Millennium Countdown Webmaster

HAPPY **ACTUAL** NEW MILLENNIUM!!!! How could a year in which we walked picket lines for six months (!) have gone by so fast? But as we stumble out of this amazing annum, I look forward to a trip next weekend to the Consumer's Show in Las Vegas with the Firesign Theatre to promote the upcoming launch of XM Satellite Radio and the premiere of our live two-hour program, starting July 2001. Melinda continues rehearsals for "Relativity" directed by Pat Willson, which opens on Thursday, January 11th, at the Third Stage in Burbank, and fellow-actor Paul Gutrech informs us that the Antaeus' mounting of Arthur Miller's "The Man Who Had All the Luck" directed by Dan Fields, in which we all appeared, was chosen as one of the "Top Ten Best

Productions of 2000" by L. A. Times Calendar critic Michael Phillips! And finally - thanks to you all for your support, criticisms and

corrections during this past year. Here's a New Year's gift for you all by way of Crazy Dog Audio Theatre's Roger Gregg:

. . . THE CLOTHS OF HEAVEN Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths, Enwrought with gold and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams. - W.B. Yeats

"No wonder Al Gore is so confused and thinks he won. Look at the year we've had! The #1 Rap Artist is a white guy, the #1 golfer is a black guy and Bill Clinton just returned from Vietnam." - Ron Masak

+++++++++++(DECEMBER 31, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Afternoon Of A Ghost Town Magic Mike wrote:

Hi, Afternoon sun, shadow, hills, and a ghost house. Go to http://funandmagic.com/ and Best Photo Of The Day and make it your wallpaper. Beefy Rice Casserole was added to the Recipe page and many new quotes and art work have been added to the Inspiration Of The Day page. Download Tip: After selecting the directory and starting the download, CANCEL after 5 seconds. Start download again. After selecting the directory a second time, note that the download speed is probably faster, if not halved!

Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to

the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist

asked, "What would you like to eat?"

"Worms" Little Johnny said. The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his

nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."

"I want them fried" was the response.

The nurse took them and had them fried.

When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one. The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."

"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.

The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny.

Just then Little Johnny began to cry. The doctor asked what was wrong.

Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us.

Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one man "My Wife"

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

-=-=-=-=-=---=-=--=-=-=-=-=

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't.

She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=

A man approached a local in a town he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to New York?"

The local scratched his head, "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Fog over Clogher Strand, Dingle Peninsula, Eire 18:58:54 -0500

Magic Mike wrote:

If you think your problems are behind you, chances you are driving a school bus.

Hi, Today's wallpaper photo is a B&W of fog over Clogher Strand, Dingle Peninsula, Eire, by George Jackson. Go to http://funandmagic.com/ and Best Photo O f The Day, and right-click on the photo when it's loaded. New on the Recipes page: Annie's Onion Soup, Really Easy CrockPot Beef Stew, Herbed Turkey and Wild Rice, Casserole, Chili, Beanless Chili, Kelly's Hot Artichoke Dip, Our Favorite Meatloaf, Simple Cheesecake, Coors Light Chili, Radybug's Crock Pot Roast, Tuna with Two Pepper Sauce. Three new quotes alongside three pics by M.C. Escher at The Inspiration Of The Day page. Stop by http://funandmagic.com/ and see those and 300 other pages, including my new 120 Medical pages and the new Travel page, links to airlines, cars, hotels, trains, cruises, and embassies. -Magic Mike

Pharmacist to customer: "Take these pills as often as you can get the cap off."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his

hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man

were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said

"Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

And he said

"When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

One year at Christmas, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store, and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, unstuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in the oven.

When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,

"Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

-=-=--=-=--

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming back?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--

Officers were being lectured about a new computer.

The instructor said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. Then he hollered, "There will be no eating or drinking in my class, You'll have to get rid of that coffee".

I inquired meekly "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the Key board".

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment.

The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists.

I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the

room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Road through the woods, travel 18:58:33 -0500

Magic Mike wrote:

Hi, Today's Photo Of The Day is another dramatic black and white. A road through the woods - Lucis Visibilis B&W Photography of John Laragh. Enter http://funandmagic.com/ and go to Best Photo page. I have added new quotes and art on the Inspiration page and two new recipes, Cajun Shrimp Corn Bisque, and Ham Tetrazzini. Look for my new Travel page, where you can check the flight of someone and see where the plane is now, including links to all the major embassies. Also look for an upcoming page on aquariums and tropical fish I am writing. Are you still drinking poison?

OKLAHOMA CITY -- KIDS UNIONS STRIKE -- WANT CREDIT FOR SNOW DAYS WHILE ON CHRISTMAS VACATION

Children's Unions nationwide struck today, refusing to play with their new toys, demanding compensation for snow days occurring during the Christmas school break.

Spokesman Butch Evans, an Oklahoma City 7th grader, said, "This, like, bites, you know. Like, we're already out of school, like, and now, you know, this storm could have, like waited until we, you know, got back to school, so, like, we could get a snow day. This is like, you know, totally bogus."

In a related item, the union also demanded that "time off" should also be granted to any union member who caught a cold during scheduled school breaks.

Parents groups were expected to tell the kids to quit their whining, go fetch a beer from the fridge, and then clean their rooms, or "they'll be given something to strike about!"

* Sign

At the casualty ward in the hospital, there were always too many visitors, in spite of requests by the doctor and the staff.

The number of visitors reduced when the doctor put up the board, "Warning - Trespassers will be operated on"

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pled 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress.

At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter through the doors and windows.

One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side all the time."

-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Good," the boy said. "Now I can use it to buy some clothes."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

New York doctors, praising an unconventional remedy for diarrhea in the American Journal of Gastroenterology in November, surmised that sufferers might merely lack certain predator bacteria in the colon (killed off, perhaps, by antibiotics) and thus might benefit from a transfusion of bacteria from a person with a normal amount of such predatory bacteria among his "fecal flora." A "stool donation" by a healthy person, the doctors wrote, homogenized in a blender and introduced (after an enema) into the patient by a colonoscope, might establish a sufficiently strong bacterial mix to kill the organisms causing the diarrhea.

[Sydney Morning Herald, 11-16-00]

The Los Angeles Times reported in December that a scammer had recently rented out as many as 20 rooms in an abandoned inner-city hospital as apartments, at rents from $300 to $400 a month, and that among the amenities of the complex, according to a tenant, was a children's recreation area that was formerly the operating room, complete with obsolete equipment (including syringes) and blood caked on the floor. (Since the scam was discovered, city agencies have been busy relocating the tenants.)

[Los Angeles Times, 12-1-00]

Latest Herculean Self-Litigators

In September, Linda Wallace, a former resident of Rocky River, Ohio, and who during two years there was the object of a dozen neighborhood noise complaints, filed a second trillion-dollar lawsuit against the city, this time because she says officials insulted her son; two weeks earlier, she had sued a town police officer for a trillion dollars for false arrest. And several Los Angeles contractors petitioned a court in July to restrict lawyer Robert W. Hirsh from filing lawsuits because of the 82 personal lawsuits he has initiated in 18 years against his home contractors, his clients, his brokers, the hotels and restaurants he frequents, his synagogue, his insurance companies, his former employers, and other targets, many of which he receives cash settlements from in order to end the litigation. Said Hirsh, "I'm not going to be a patsy."

[Cleveland Plain Dealer, 9-13-00] [Los Angeles Times, 7-29-00]

Least Competent People

Luis A. Chavarria, released from prison in 1999 after serving 10 years for murder, was charged in Bonita Springs, Fla., in October with possessing a firearm. Chavarria was arrested at a hospital, where he was being treated for a gunshot to the foot which he received in bed when he accidentally engaged the family-heirloom, double-barreled shotgun he said he sleeps with every night.

[St. Petersburg Times, 10-28-00]

A 43-year-old man was hospitalized in Richmond, Va., in October after being blown off the top of a van at about 50 mph. Police said the man was trying to hold down some wooden fencing that he and another man were trying to move without the benefit of rope, when a gust of wind carried him off.

[Richmond Times Dispatch, 10-24-00]

Every year you're bound to hear some youngster say "I wish that Christmas would last all year." What they don't know is that it does. Wait 'til they grow-up & have to pay off the credit cards.

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Suns rays highlighting a moment in time, see movie clip Magic Mike wrote:

Hi, Today choice for wallpaper is Suns rays highlighting a moment in time, on a trail in the woods - Lucis Visibilis B&W Photography of John Laragh. Go to http://funandmagic.com/ , enter, and go to Best Photo Of The Day. I mentioned how struck I was by the movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." The female star, Michelle Yeoh was the woman who was James Bond's partner, if you remember them driving a motorcycle while handcuffed to each other. She was also in "Supercop" with Jackie Chan. She is the only woman he will let do her own stunts. One of the things that puts your stomach in your throat during the action is the intense music Tan Dun and chello by Yo Yo Ma. Last night I found that my opinions are well founded. The movie has received the following nominations. Golden Globe Nominations - Best Director: Ang Lee. Best Foreign Language Film. Best Original Score: Tan Dun Broadcast Film Critics Association - Best Picture, Best Foreign Film. Los Angeles Film Critics Association - Best Picture, Best Cinematographer: Peter Pau. Boston Society of Film Critics - Best Cinematographer, Best Foreign Film. New York Film Critics' Circle - Best Cinematographer: Peter Pau. National Board of Review - Best Foreign Film. Here is just part of the tail end, of the first intense fight between the two female leads, Michelle Yeoh and the sword thief. http://www.film.com/RGX/FC.(/reviews/features/mow/crouchingtiger.jhtml).def...RGX/ramhurl.film.com/smildemohurl.ram?file=screen/2000/rv8/clips/crouc1.smi

Trivia

Richard Nixon has received more votes than any other person in American history. His three Congressional terms, two terms as Vice-President, his

narrow defeat by JFK in the 1960 presidential, his run for the California Gubenatorial, his first election to the Presidency in 1968 and his landslide deafeat of Geroge McGovern (the largest in Presidential history until that time) makes Nixon the most voted for American politician ever.

Throughout its history, the White House has been known as the "President's Palace," the "President's House," and the "Executive Mansion." President Theodore Roosevelt officially gave the White House its current name in 1901.

-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Twas the Day After Christmas"

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox, Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Sears and Robinson's. Here's Penney's, Levitz's, Target and Mervyn's. To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall, You charged away-- charged away--charged away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "Enjoy what you got. . . you'll be paying all year!"

-=-----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"

One of the girls replied, "Aren't those the sins that we should have committed, but didn't?"

-=-=-=-=--=-=--=-=-=--=

Ironies

According to calculations by the Albuquerque Journal in October, all 18 of the public schools around the city that were named among the state's 94 high-improvement schools (based in part on math scores) actually had scores that decreased from the year before. The state school superintendent, when asked about his poor arithmetic, blamed the errors on a traditional bane of test-takers: "working too quickly."

[Albuquerque Journal, 10-20-00]

Too Clever for Their Own Good:

In Akron, Ohio, a 10-year-old boy hiding from his mother in leaves he had just raked was hospitalized in October with minor injuries after his mother drove off (and over the leaves) in the family's minivan. And four days earlier, near Ashby, Minn., a teen-age boy playing a prank put some logs across a road just to make a relative have to stop and remove them in order to drive on; however, the relative chose instead to drive around the logs and accidentally ran over the boy, who was hiding in the grass, and he had to be hospitalized.

[AP wirecopy, 10-23-00] [AP wirecopy, 10-19-00]

In 1990, News of the Weird reported on a man playfully testing a bulletproof vest by having a friend stab him with a knife, which was not supposed to penetrate the lining but did (sending him to the hospital). In October 2000, a 20-year-old man in Swan River, Manitoba, tested his bulletproof vest by having his roommate shoot him. The vest stopped the first shot (by a .22-calibre rifle), but even with a telephone book inserted underneath the vest, the second shot (with a 12-gauge shotgun) cracked the man's ribs, sending him to the hospital.

[Globe and Mail, 12-2-00]

Thinning the Herd

A 41-year-old Air Force Reserve pilot was killed near Tulia, Texas, in August when he lost control of his F-16 while aerobatically buzzing the farmhouse of his in-laws. And a 32-year-old man was killed on Interstate 26 in Orangeburg, S.C., in September when, riding without authorization atop a tractor-trailer, he was wiped out by an overpass. And a 29-year-old man driving in a Ventura County, Calif., recreation area in his off-road vehicle was killed in October; he was using a flashlight to substitute for his failed headlights when he accidentally drove over a cliff.

[Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, 8-30-00] [The State-AP, 9-28-00] [Inland Valley Daily Bulletin, 10-31-00] -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: sunset and star trails in a ghost town, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Magic Mike wrote:

Hi, Today's photo pic for you desk is another from The Ghost Town of Bodie. Shot in 35 minutes long exposure, just after sunset, the warm glow on the old building and the hills is still present and star trails from the long exposure make a sort of magic happen. Come in http://funandmagic.com/ and go to Photo Of The Day. I saw two most amazing, magical movies. Make sure you see them. Just in the theater, from the director of "Sense and Sensibility", is Ang Lee's "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." It is a film of romance and revenge in ancient China. It will have you laughing and crying in stunned bewilderment. The cinematography was not only incredibly beautiful, but was innovative to a degree I have never seen before. The martial arts sequences were simply jaw-hanging beyond belief and some of

the best sequences are between two women. It is actually a "women's movie" and the meatiest roles are the women's. The man who worked on "The Matrix" staged them. Not only is this the best martial arts filmed ever filmed, but it is the best action thriller I have ever seen, and hardly any blood or gore is shed. Aside from the action, the laughs and romance makes it worth seeing even if you thought you were not into action movies or martial arts. You will literally be flying from the roofs and trees. The other movie that is a MUST SEE is "Bicentennial Man" with Robin Williams, which is available to rent. It's about a cyborg that wants to be human. It will give you a good feeling for a long time, like a Xmas movie from Capra. I got 900 visits in one day last week. The recipe page got 250 visits for the week. Today's recipe is Roasted Applesauce. Stop by and say hello. If I'm online, the Human Click will say a live human is available.The site now has over 300 pages, since adding 120 medical pages on major conditions and treatments.

"Holiday Trivia"

The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills.

Pogonophobia: the fear of beards.

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=

Xmas shorties

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas? Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter.

Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"

"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Santa Pick-Up Lines

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

6. I know when you've been bad or good--so let's skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... wink wink

4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it ...)

3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do

you?

2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!

1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

"Winter Wonderland 2000" (sing to the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Another "ping," Are you listenin'? The 'puter screen, Is a glistenin'. With icons so bright, They light up the night, Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away, Are the hall talks. Here to stay, Is the INBOX. Flagged "urgent, please read!", And "answer with speed!". Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up. No lunch today cause messages abound. Just click away and hope the server stays up. You can't do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M., You're not tired. The caffeine, Has you wired. The day's not complete, Till the final delete, Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up, No lunch today cause messages abound. Just click away and hope the server stays up. You can't do your job if it goes down.

Until you, Are retired, The same old grind, It is required. You'll face unafraid, That message parade. Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"Eggnog Recipe"

As the holiday season is here, may I suggest the traditional French eggnog: four egg yolks, 2 teaspoons of sugar, half-gallon of eggnog ice cream, four jiggers of cognac in a tall, warm lass. -------------

"Irish Cream Recipe"

1 can condensed milk (14 ounces) 1 can rye whiskey (14 ounces)--(Canadian Mist?) 3 eggs 1 cup heavy cream 1 table spoon chocolate syrup 1 table spoon vanilla extract

Combine all ingredients in bowl. WHISK!!! (Do not put in blender!!!!). Put in bottles and refrigerate overnight. Yum!

-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Gifts For Men"

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George,

can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, Jockey shorts wouldn't have been invented.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,

and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in

a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks, Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10 Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.(NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a'68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11 Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No

one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least. The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Resent cleaned up: Good will towards men and women, Yes, We'll Survive Bush Magic Mike wrote:

Hi, I hope you all have a good holiday, good will, and it would be nice to have peace on earth. That's a present we should all give. The fact that Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, and Buddhists are fighting with each other, behind religious banners, is not only tragic, but hypocrisy.

Is the purpose of religion one of hate? As you know, this election stirred up my feeling to get involved enough to write about it. I have found that Democrats are willing to put

themselves in the shoes of Republicans and Conservatives and try to understand and respect their point of view, if even just a little. That is why they tend to be the party of human warmth and understanding, and not the party of hate. I think the basic fault of most Republicans is that they can't follow the same lead. Someone please explain why Republicans are hateful of those they disagree. They are defined by what they hate, dislike, or want people NOT to do. They will decry abortion, and shoot you if you disagree. They are against gun control, yet are the first to put themselves on a moral, religious pulpit. By the way, after reading Clarernce Thomas's opinion against abortion, I agree with him. I find that I am against abortion unless medically necessary. Late term abortion is horrific. One method is to tear baby apart, and another is to suck it's brains out. I believe a soul inhabits the fetus early in development (read Tibetan Book Of The Dead). Well, I CAN change my mind because I'm a Democrat, with a mind that can change. I READ what others say, heh heh.) Yesterday, I read an article by Molly Ivins, from Texas, who I know to be extremely astute politically and a critic of Bush. She has been writing about politics since the 60's. Her recent column about giving George his chance was very thoughtful, so I will pass it on in that spirit of goodwill towards all.

Yes, We'll Survive One of Bush's sassiest Texas critics gives two cheers for her old nemesis

By MOLLY IVINS December 17, 2000

My fellow Democrats: Do not flee to Canada yet! George W. Bush is not stupid, and he is not mean.

O.K., he's not the brightest porch light on the block. Get over it. I frankly don't expect much from him; neither do you; and that's the best thing he has going for him. If he so much as clears a matchbox, we'll all fall back in wonder. Think how pleasantly surprised we're going to be when we discover George W. is, as he has been all his life, sort of adequate. Not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but he'll do.

It is polite, not to mention patriotic, to fall in line behind a new President and kind of give him a send-off cheer. Despite the awkward circumstances, I'm for giving W. the old hip-hip. Besides, as Tolstoy once titled a short story, God Sees the Truth, But Waits.

It is true that Bush has difficulty expressing himself in the English language. On the other hand, you can usually tell what he meant to say.

His daddy was often perfectly impenetrable, and we survived. W. is highly unlikely ever to throw up on the Prime Minister of Japan, have an affair with an intern or declare war on Grenada.

Bush is a little vague on a lot of things. Yes, we are looking at a steep learning curve. The worst moment of the 36-day Long Count was probably when Bush, attempting to "look presidential," held a mock Cabinet meeting, in the course of which he observed in an appallingly chipper manner, "There are issues in Israel right now that I'm looking forward to hearing about."

Sorry to remind you of that, as it may prompt you once more to consider decamping to what W. called "our most important neighbor to the north."

What I want to argue seriously here is that we have evidence that W. Bush learns, he learns fast, and then he is Not Bad. He has a consistent pattern of searching out father figures as mentors in each field he's tried, and he's always selected good ones. In Texas he chose (or was chosen by; let's keep that open) lieutenant governor Bob Bullock, one of the shrewdest s.o.b.s who ever walked. Let's just say that if Bush had studied politics under Lyndon Johnson or Machiavelli, he couldn't have done better. Dick Cheney is apparently the new mentor, and I'm favorably impressed, certainly by Cheney's demeanor; one worries because his voting record is so nutsoid.

Here is the great unanswerable question: Exactly how ideologically right wing is George W. Bush? You can find evidence suggesting he is and suggesting he isn't. You can find a lot of evidence that he talks out of both sides of his mouth. When Bush started out as Governor of Texas, many of his appointments were enough to make your hair hurt, especially on the environment, and he tried to sell some policy ideas that were flatly ridiculous - privatizing welfare, privatizing pollution control. As soon as he realized they weren't going to fly, he dropped them. He became markedly more pragmatic, and in what I consider the single finest stand he ever took, in 1997 he fought like a Trojan for what was actually a Democratic plan to make taxes fairer, specifically in an effort to pay for public schools. He lost. Bush couldn't deliver his own party on that one. But anyone who wants to write him off as a disengaged part-timer should know he was so fully involved in that fight, he could have been a floor manager the way he was twisting arms, calling in favors, busting balls, the entire panoply of power plays. He and Bullock were a helluva team. It's just real hard to beat the lobby in Texas.

Because W. Bush is not terribly interested in public policy, what we've often seen in Texas is staff-driven policy. And I am not that impressed with the staff. To my certain knowledge, one politically costly and inhumane veto was prompted by a staff member so ignorant of the actual conditions the guy should have been summarily fired. (This happened to be on providing legal counsel for poor folks accused of crimes: our state has a system so miserable we actually execute innocent people.) The staff member was such a fool that his entire argument depended upon reactions from Houston judges, who get their campaign contributions from the current system. You can't count on Bush to see through a thing like that. But he can learn, and if there's anything that will rivet your attention, it's the challenges of the presidency. I think that when W. Bush is there, he's paying attention, he's heard the arguments (short form please, attention span not that long), and he is Not Bad.

I could be wrong, of course, and if Bush's first nomination to the Supreme Court is Edith Jones (who recently held that if your lawyer sleeps through your trial, at least you had one, so what the hell difference does it make?), run for the border; Canada is our most important neighbor to the north.

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Hawaiian Beach scene Magic Mike wrote:

Hi, Here is a Hawaiian beach for your desk today http://funandmagic.com at Photo Of The Day. I predict that the Republicans do not follow through with bi-partisan appointments. They offered a post to a Democratic Senator, which they know he couldn't take, leaving the Senate a seat short. I didn't see them make any offers to Republican congressmen. They held up EVERY judicial appointment over the last 6 years. Now, they will cry foul when Democrats balk at theirs. They skirt the issues of the election problems with a few minority appointments. Rather than address the black voters problems in Florida he says. "See, I have a black." This is paper thin strategy. . -Magic Mike

Computer jokes --------------

What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

A man called his neighbor only to have the phone answered by a young boy.

He asked the lad if he could speak to his father. The lad replied his father was not home.

"Well, then, could I speak to your mother?"

"She's not home either." The lad replied.

"Okay then," asked the man, "who is home with you?"

The boy answered "Just my brother!!"

"All right then, the man replied, may I speak with him?"

The lad said "yes" and went to get his brother. After what seemed like a very long time, the boy came back and said that his brother could not come to the phone.

Exasperated, the man said, "Well, why not?"

The boy answered, "Because I can't get him out of his crib!"

Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station.

"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."

Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"

"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=-=-=-=-

Officials at the Paralympic Games, held in Sydney two weeks after the Olympics, said performance-enhancing drugs were a concern, certainly, but that some athletes with spinal-cord injuries presented yet another problem in their quest to get an edge: Some jabbed pins into their legs, or sat on tacks, or blocked their catheters to overfill their bladders, which research shows improves athletic performance (by raising blood pressure) by an average 10 percent. Even though such abuse is pain-free, it is dangerous, a Canadian team doctor told the Globe and Mail newspaper. "(B)ut," he said, "like every other athlete, (these abusers) feel invincible."

The New England Journal of Medicine reported in October on apparently the first-ever transfer of a food-poisoning virus during a football game. Florida State beat Duke, 62-13, in the 1998 game, but 43 nauseous Duke players and assistants got some measure of revenge by inadvertently making 11 FSU players violently ill during and after the game by passing the virus via their unwashed hands and the fresh vomit on their own uniforms. The cause was contaminated turkey sandwiches.

Latest Exorcism Developments Re-release of the 1973 movie "The Exorcist" in September is but one event fueling a recent flurry of Satan-dispatching attempts. The Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago revealed in September 2000 that it had, for the first time, appointed a full-time exorcist. And the Vatican revealed in September that Pope John Paul II had failed in his own exorcism of a 19-year-old woman after the church's chief exorcist had also failed. And in a July investigative piece, the New York Post reported that the $1 billion annual donations worldwide to the Universal Church of the Kingdom of God (Brazil-based, but with 15,000 members in the United States) are made largely under the church-created fear that such giving is the only way to obtain exorcisms.

Creme de la Weird Bismarck, N.D., police reported in October that a man recently telephoned two fast food restaurants posing as a police officer and instructed the manager to strip-search employees for contraband. The caller's persuasiveness caused an adult male to strip for a female manager and an adult female to strip for a male manager.

An unidentified man was finally caught by police in August, in Stafford County, Va., after two years of sightings in which he would lie on mountain-bike trails camouflaged with dirt and leaves in hopes (sometimes successful) of getting run over by an all-terrain vehicle. (Last October, according to one sighting, he staggered away from such an incident, bloodied.) The man, who lives in Burke, Va., was not arrested but was ordered to stay off bike trails.

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Dawn in a ghost town, how to use your ESP, Planet Proctor Magic Mike wrote:

There is a tax on sex. It's called children.

Hi, Today's Photo Of The Day is Dawn On The Ridge at the ghost town of Bodie. The Sierra Nevada mountains are in the distance. Stop by http://funandmagic.com/ and see it, and get the free slideshow programs. For those of you in doubt about my ESP fish story, which I swear is true, here's another. I go to visit a friend. He buzzes me into the apartment lobby. As I am about to go through the second door into the hall, I see an envelope on the floor upside down. There is always stuff on the floor there. I decide to flip this one over. It was for my friend. Yesterday, I was looking for an item that I could not find. I realized I couldn't find it because something was on top of it. I looked where my mind focused, moved the covering object and there it was. All you have to do is quiet, focus on the object, and feel the mental tug it produces in the world's electromagnetic field. This is the basis of "dousing". The neural net of our brain and the nerves of the hand (where there are the most nerves, this is an antenna) create the bio-electric system that does this. Practice. Say hello to people silently from the side or back and try to get them to turn and look at you. Quiet your mind and then listen for what comes next. Planet Proctor, from Firesign Theater's Phil Proctor sends some GREAT funnies on the election. Be sure to read the item about God appealing the decision of the U.S. Supreme Court. Here's one item as a preview. In 1555, Nostradamus wrote: "Come the turn of the millennium, month twelve, In the home of the greatest power, The village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader."

Uh, Duhhhhhbya .........

To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines," observes Dave Barry, "the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs and (2) How to attract men."

* Least Popular Scented Candles As Gifts

13 Vanilla Mr. Bean

12 Whiff o' Limbaugh

11 Dingleberry

10 Morning Breath

9 Haggis

8 Eau de Ron Jeremy

7 Essence of Stained Cocktail Dress

6 Asparagus Tinkle

5 Chicken Pot Pie-Berry

4 Grandpa's Air Biscuits

3 Springtime in Jersey

2 Looooove Gravy

1 Yesterday's Chili Festival

Before my husband went to the hospital for surgery on a ruptured disk, I

wrote a message on his back. As nurses removed his gown for the operation, they were amused to read,"A:\Error reading drive A. Remove disk."

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--

(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/28 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore. I Think." - Florida bummer sticker

BYGONES . . . The election is over The results are known. The will of the court Has clearly been shown. Let's forget our differences And show by our deeds. That we'll give our government The backing it needs. We'll all get together, Let bitterness pass. I'll hug your elephant -- You kiss my ass. (Uncredited) ... But PS from PP: Good Luck, G.W.!

"Jim Carey's next movie? 'The Grinch Who Stole the White House.'" - PP in Letters to the Times, 12/11/00

THE GRINCH REVIEWS XMAS "The approach of Christmas signifies three things: bad movies, unforgivable television, and even worse theatre. I'm talking bone-crushing theatre -- the type our ancient ancestors used to oppress their enemies before the invention of the stretching rack. We're talking torture on a par with the Scottsfield Dinner Theatre's 1995 revival of 'Come Blow Your Horn,' a production that violated every tenet of the Human Rights Accord. . . (I will no doubt be taken to task for criticizing the work of children, but as any pathologist will agree, if there's a cancer, it's best to treat it as soon as possible.) If you happen to stand over four-feet tall, the agony awaiting you at Sacred Heart Elementary began the moment you took your seat. These were mean little chairs, corralled into a 'theatre', haunted by the lingering stench of industrial strength lasagna. My question is not why they chose

to stage the production in a poorly disguised cafeteria, but why they chose to stage it at all. The story of the First Christmas is an over-rated clunker of a Holiday Pageant, best left to those looking to cure their chronic insomnia. Although the program listed no director, the apathetic staging suggested

the limp, partially paralyzed hand of Sister Mary Elizabeth Bronson, who

should have been excommunicated after last season's disastrous Thanksgiving program. Here again, the first-through-third-grade actors graced the stage with an enthusiasm most children reserve for a smallpox vaccination. One

could hardly blame them for their lack of vitality, since the stingy, uninspired script consists not of springy dialogue, but rather of a deadening series of pronouncements. Mary to Joseph: "I am tired.' Joseph to Mary: 'We will rest here

for the night.' There's no fire. No give and take. And the audience soon

grows weary of this passionless relationship. In the role of Mary, six-year-old Shannon Burke just barely manages to pass herself off as a virgin. A cloying, preening stage presence, her performance seemed based on nothing but an annoying proclivity toward lifting her skirt and -- on rare occasion -- opening her eyes. As Joseph, second-grade student Douglas Trazar needs to be reminded that although his character did not technically impregnate the Virgin Mother, he should behave as if he were capable of doing so. Thrown into the mix were a handful of inattentive shepherds and a trio of gift-bearing eleven-year-olds who could probably give the Three Stooges a run for their money. As for the lighting, Sacred Heart Elementary chose to rely on nothing more than the flash bulbs ignited by the obnoxious stage mothers

and fathers who had created those zombies, staggering back and forth across the linoleum-floor dining hall. Pointing to the oversize crate that served as a manger, one particularly insufficient Wise Man proclaimed, 'A child is bored.' Yes, well. So was this adult..." (NPR's "Front Row, Center" by David Sedaris)

"At 9pm ET, Al Gore made his concession speech, preempting 'The West Wing.' At 10pm ET, George W. Bush made his winner's speech, preempting 'Law & Order.'" - PROCO'S TV GLIDE

SURVIVOR Network television is developing a "Texas Version" of "Survivor". Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock, driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I Voted for Gore, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take Your Guns." (The first to complete the round trip alive is the winner.)

"Statues made of snow." - Peter O'Toole on celebrity, CBS' "60 Minutes 2"

THE "KEY" AT LAST! In "Key Largo"(1940), Edward G. Robinson says to Humphrey Bogart: "Let me tell you about Florida politicians. I make them. I make them out

a whole cloth just like a tailor makes a suit. I get their name in the newspaper, I get them some publicity and get them on the ballot. Then after the election we count the votes; and if they don't turn out right, we re-count them and re-count them again until they do." And in the L.A. Times, the late "Little Giant", Southern Governor Earl "Huey" Long used to say "he wanted to be buried in Louisiana so he could stay politically active."

"Campaign spending: $184,000,000. Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless" - Yet another e-sticker from Flori-duh

NO, PLEASE, YOU GO FIRST... What happens to a president elected in a year ending with "0" ? 1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office) 1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated) 1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated) 1900: William McKinley (Assassinated) 1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office) 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office) 1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated) 1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt) And to think that we had 2 guys fighting to be the one in 2000!

"Doubya won? No way, bud! Damnit, I'm mad!" - Palindromes from wordsmith Merle Regle

REAL 'GAS MUSIC' FROM JUPITER! In "Everything You Know Is Wrong," the Firesign Theatre's Happy Harry Cox offered a recording of "Gas Music from Jupiter." And guess what -- 25 years later it really IS available! NASA's Cassini spacecraft, approaching Jupiter, has detected low

radio frequency waves in the thin gas of charged particles near the immense planet which have been converted to sound waves; and a brief audio clip is available at http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/cassini/acoustic OR -- you can order a videotape of the original Firesign epic, filmed by academy-award winner Alan Daviau from www.LodesTone-media.com for a nifty last-minute gift!

"People ask, 'If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we have an election system that works?' I say, "Yes, and it will cost just about as

much." - William Kimberling, Federal Election official

JES' DOUBYA CHECKING APE - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list

and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one

additional time before packing his sleigh... "There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he

need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," former Secretary of State James Baker said. Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats." Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole. Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush, "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing." Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for. The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. he "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said. Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the

spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly." (From The Onion, perhaps?)

"The Inaugurable Dinner: Spotted Owl Consomme, Snail Darters on the Quarter Shell, Stir-Fried Trumpeter Swan with White Supreme Sauce, Salade a la Exxon Valdez, Choice of Tap Waters..." - Dean Christopher

ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW THIS HAPPENED! In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the recent Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullsh*t." "I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes." Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's

Word for possible grounds for appeal. "God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida." "Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises

ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean . . . Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with [more] deep boils. Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy. (By James Troesh)

"Last time somebody listened to a Bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years." - God

NOSTRADAMUS MUS' BE RIGHT! In 1555, Nostradamus wrote: "Come the turn of the millenium, month twelve, In the home of the greatest power, The village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader."

"My parents retired to Florida, and all I got was this lousy President."

KING GEORGE RULES! Troublemaker Dr. John Scialli has started a "King George Call to

Action Mailing List" for folks who want to become involved in various activist activities while "taking this George IV situation sitting down -- at their PCs and Macs." Contact scialli@primenet.com if you're really pissed.

"Who punched the chads out? Whoo Whoo Whoo!" - Florida bumper stinker

********** CREDITS: So many Planeteers sent me duplicate lists of so many funny political pieces, I thought it unfair to credit anyone in particular, but thanks to all! I sense that some material may have come from "The Onion" and have so noted; but if anyone can help to give a credit to anything they read here, please do let me know so I can provide it on the website. (And get ready for the first JPEG Proctor & Peterson New Year's Card!)

"It distresses us to return work that is not perfect" - Peter O'Toole's proposed epitaph, as quoted on a tag from London's Sycamore Cleaners, ibid. And finally, as John & Joanna say in Ireland: "Nollaig Shona Ceolmhar Chughat" ... to all!

+++++++++++(DECEMBER 20, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Archways of light, ESP tropical fish betas Magic Mike wrote:

I don't give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it is hell.

Harry S Truman

Hi, Today's Photo Of The Day is a series of archways with light casting shadows. Go to http://funandmagic.com and enter. I began practicing my ESP again. Subject was a male Beta in my fish tank, which is next to my computer. He stays in the corner all day. I thought and said, "Hey swim over there!", meaning the far side of the tank. Which means, through the area of the other 37 fish he is avoiding. He did it immediately! Through the day, at hours of intervals, I tried it five times. He did it each time, within 5 seconds of my thought. Most fish are like Irish Shepherds, duh, duh, duh. But betas are quite and pensive, and I felt more receptive. I have added a half meg of recipes. There are new Inspirations. Stop by, also, GET CLEAN WATER!! -Magic Mike

Movies About the 2000 Election

15 National Lampoon's Election 14 The Good, the Chad, and the Ugly 13 Dade and Confused 12 The Lyin' In Winter 11 The Unsure-ian Candidate 10 Al is in Blunderland 9 Poll Fiction 8 Hurl, Interrupted 7 Men Of "Your Honor" 6 The TerminNader 5 102 Tabulations 4 Chaddyflak 3 We Still Don't Know Who You Voted For Last November 2 Grumpy Old Secretaries of State 1 Mr. Bush Goes to Washington

Al Gore was visiting a Florida elementary school while a fifth grade class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Gore if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy." Mr. Gore asks the class for "an example of a tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Al, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Al, "that's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Mr. Gore searches the room,

"Isn't they're someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, in the back of the room a small boy raises his hand, in a quiet

voice he says,

"If you and your lawyers, Mr. Gore, were to be eaten by a pack of hungry

20 foot alligators, that would certainly be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Al, "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it must be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

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"What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 48 ???"

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed 28 - You don't need to tell her any story to take her to bed... 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"

Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!"

A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!"

Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?

"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"

Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"

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irman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded,"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Eerie Blue Aurora on Jupiter Magic Mike wrote:

"If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires." --Abigail Van Buren

Hi, Jupiter has aurora. Like Earth, the magnetic field of the gas giant funnels charged particles released from the Sun onto the poles. As these particles strike the atmosphere, electrons are temporarily knocked away from existing gas molecules. Electric force attracts these electrons back. As the electrons recombine to remake neutral molecules, auroral light is emitted. See it at my Photo Page, http://funandmagic.com . At the bottom is a piece by Andy Rooney. I was on his segment of 60 Minutes about 6 times or more. They run a few seconds of me, blowing up a balloon until it fills my face. Another is me asking Andy if he would like to see a magic trick. These were shot at The New York Coliseum at a computer tradeshow, in the mid 80's where I was in New York at two trade shows that week, promoting Boeing Computer Services, and later, promoting a retailer. I made their business cards magically appear in people's hands as I got them to stop. If you need a traffic stopper at a show call me. -Magic Mike

A student stopped at the teacher's table at the end of the day. On the table was a mug emblazoned with the logo of a famous weight loss program. He looked at it and then at me and said " Mum used to go there, and it didn't help her either!"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

As an instructor in driver education at the local area high school, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you . . ."

Songs From The Hospital Hit Parade

"I'll be Sewing You" "Red Cells in the Sunset" "It's Spleen a Long, Long Time" "It Had to Be Flu" "On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma" "Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney" "The Staphs and Streps Forever" "Old Man's Liver" "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace" "The Girl from Emphysema" "MRI Blue?" "My Melancolicky Baby" "From Here to Maternity"

--=-=-=-=-=-=-----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."

"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."

-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Least Competent Criminals

According to police in Pawtucket, R.I., Eugene Allen, 29, and his brother, Kenneth Bartelson, 35, were caught robbing an apartment's inhabitants in October. They were done in by Allen, who was assigned to be the lookout despite being legally blind; he failed to notice approaching police officers and then mistakenly thought he was talking confidentially to his brother when he was actually talking to a neighbor.

Cultural Diversity

Critics of China's one-child policy say it has produced the country's most overindulged generation ever, a symptom of which is the Jin Duoba camp in Shanghai, famous for its tough-love regimen for overweight kids. According to an October story in the Chicago Sun-Times, the camp is modeled after military training, including requiring kids to crawl on their bellies while fake bullets fly overhead.

In September, The New York Times reported on a rhinoplasty fad among upscale Iranian women. Since Islam requires almost every part of women's bodies to be covered in public, getting a nose job has become virtually the only way in which Iran's conspicuous consumers can effectively avail themselves of plastic surgery. According to the Times, even the post-surgical bandages are seen as indicators of wealth.

Rome hairdresser Vittorio Giunta has created a stir this year by defiantly keeping his salon open past the decades-old, mandated closing time of 7 p.m., which he does sometimes in order to offer his customers haircuts during a full moon, which some believe is part of the same superstition by which crops grow faster during a full moon. According to a June New York Times report, the hours of operation of hairdressers and dozens of other artisans are rigidly controlled, which opponents say limits competition and proponents say allows Italians the luxury of not having to work so hard.

Full-Birth Abortion: Officials in a village near Wuhan, China, allegedly drowned a just-born baby in front of its parents in August for the parents' grossly violating the country's one-child policy. It was actually the couple's fourth child, and officials had earlier injected the mother with a saline solution to kill the fetus, but the baby was nevertheless born healthy. The Beijing government's official position is that the village authorities overstepped their bounds.

Things I've learned
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

~*~ I've learned.... that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

~*~ I've learned.... that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

~*~ I've learned.... that when you're in love, it shows.

~*~ I've learned.... that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

~*~ I've learned.... that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

~*~ I've learned.... that being kind is more important than being right.

~*~ I've learned.... that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

~*~ I've learned.... that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help in some other way.

~*~ I've learned.... that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

~*~ I've learned.... that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

~*~ I've learned.... that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

~*~ I've learned.... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

~*~ I've learned.... that money doesn't buy class.

~*~ I've learned.... that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

~*~ I've learned.... that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

~*~ I've learned.... that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

~*~ I've learned.... that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

~*~ I've learned.... that love, not time, heals all wounds.

~*~ I've learned.... that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

~*~ I've learned.... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

~*~ I've learned.... that life is tough, but I'm tougher.

~*~ I've learned.... that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

~*~ I've learned.... that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

~*~ I've learned.... that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

~*~ I've learned.... that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

~*~ I've learned.... that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

~*~ I've learned.... that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

~*~ I've learned.... that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

~*~ I've learned.... that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

~*~ I've learned.... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

~*~ I've learned.... that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Author - Andy Rooney -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/ Cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less High speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: The Manicouagan Impact Crater in northern Canada Magic Mike wrote:

Dermatologists often make rash statements.

Hi, The Manicouagan Crater in northern Canada is one of the oldest impact craters known. Formed during a surely tremendous impact about 200 million years ago, the present day terrain supports a 70-kilometer diameter hydroelectric reservoir in the telltale form of an annular lake. See it at my Photo Of The Day. http://funandmagic.com/ . I added a half meg of new recipes too. Look for that page. The other night Letterman said, " If you ever wondered what it would be like to have Dan Quayle for President....... now you know." heh heh.

Bush uses the words "delegate responsibility" for "do it, while I take a nap." Here are some well known management styles.

"Management Styles"

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is good, He knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of stimulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.

Three important questions to ask an alien before having sex:

1. Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?

2. Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?

3. Which one is your mouth?

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An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a forest.

The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."

"I can't help it," the ugly man said.

"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you could do is stay at home."

Fights

Mary: One of the biggest fights my ex and I ever had was over crossword puzzles.

Jill: Crossword puzzles?

Mary: Yeah..he wanted me to stop doing them while we were having sex.

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Lots of people don't even know you."

-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

* Old..

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. Old actors never die, they just drop apart. Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. Old architects never die, they just lose their structures. Old bankers never die, they just lose interest. Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling. Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off. Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures. Old bosses never die, much as you want them to. Old cashiers never die, they just check out. Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. Old chemists never die, they just fail to react. Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket. Old cooks never die, they just get deranged. Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged. Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-

* Bad nursery rhymes

Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun- Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard To fetch her dog a bone When she bent over Rover ran over And gave her a bone of his own

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread

Sing a song of sexpants, Trousers all a-bulge 4 & 20 blackbirds longing to indulge When the flies were opened The girls began to sing What a dainty morsel, even for a king!

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It had not been the spider that crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman Going to the fair Said Simple Simon to the Pieman "What have you got there?" Said the Pieman unto Simon "Pies, you dickhead!"

There was a little girl, who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead And when she was good, she was very very good But when she was bad, she got a fur coat, ....jewels, a sports car......

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall Humpty dumpty had a great fall All the kings horses and all the kings men Had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast

Hickory dickory dock, Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one, And the others got away with minor injuries

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun And the cat died of electric shock.

Mary had a little lamb, It walked into a pylon, 10,000 volts went up its ass, And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary Had A Little Lamb She also had a bear I've often seen her little lamb But I've never seen her bear.

Mary Had A Little Lamb, She also had a duck She put them on the mantelpiece to see if they would.... ...talk to each other.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too 'cause he was gay!

Mary had a little lamb It was always in a hurry Fell into the cooking pot Now it's in the curry! -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

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Subject: Re: Ghost town of Bodie Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 18:56:54 -0500 Magic Mike wrote:

Hi, Today's photo choice is a storm building up in the South, just as the sun drops to the West, lighting the jailhouse with afternoon warmth, in the Ghost town of Bodie, California. See my Photo Of The Day. http://funandmagic.com/ I am listening to Georgie's 2nd speech on TV. For the second time, in order to elevate his stature, he has compared himself to Thomas Jefferson. His acceptance speech in the Texas legislature, where he got applause for mentioning the Democratic majority leaders name, was cheap and easy. Today, his second major speech, was in an elementary school. Again, not a toughie for applause. But a fitting place to give his speech, where he doesn't say more than 3 to 5 words a time, no complex sentences, and extremely dull. Again today, he compares himself and Colin to Jefferson and his Secretary Of State. Jefferson was the brightest man in America and extremely well-read, able to write obviously, and an orator. "I knew Thomas Jefferson, and Georgie, you are no Thomas Jefferson." They say they want Georgie to get some fast easy victories as President and have only soft lob pitches thrown at him. Colin's nomination was a real slowball. Well America, like a bad car, you asked for it, you got it. Now for some more jokes.

A man who had been battling a mental disorder for years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake.

"I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a tea-kettle."

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Little Johnny was softly saying his night prayers kneeling down, and his mother was beside him.

"Say your prayers louder, darling, I can't hear you," Said Little Johnny's mother.

"But I'm not talking to you" was the instant reply.

Internet Xmas Carols
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1) 'Twas the 'Net before Christmas 2) Santa Claus is modem to town 3) Up On The Desktop 4) "Quark", The Herald Angels Sing 5) Gateway In A Manger 6) The First AOL 7) INTEL IT On The Mountain 8) .COM All Ye Faithful 9) JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas 10) Joy To The World Wide Web

So much for the time

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died.

One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=

The place where a friend of mine works was going through the process of upgrading all of their computers. On one computer in particular, they had determined they needed more memory.

One of the senior partners got it into her head that they needed more "MEG." My friend tried to tell her that what they needed was RAM, but she insisted that the machine had plenty of RAM and that they needed more Meg -- specifically, about 16 megabytes of Meg. He got tired of arguing with her and said to go down to the computer store and buy some Meg.

She came back with an envelope with RAM in it -- on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg." "The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg."

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/

The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Re: Moon over Pueblo Lake, news muse, assorted guffaws Magic Mike wrote:

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Hi, Here is a must have photo for your desk of the Moon over Pueblo Lake, in Colorado. I save all photos in a folder by right clicking on the photo, and I replay them with the free Panorama wallpaper slideshow, or the Slideshow Screensaver. Drop by my site, http://funandmagic.com and bring some friends. As this election mess comes to a close, and I reflect on what I have seen on CNN, MSMBC, and Fox cable news, I must say the level of respectful, dignified reporting is lacking terribly. I have worked in radio, television and newspaper media since the mid 60's. I worked with Richard Threldkeld every night during the riots of 1968 and Bill Moyer in the KDKA news room. The level of newspeople today is more in the Heraldo area than the Cronkite/Brinkley stature. It's tabloid journalism. If the news organizations hadn't felt the NEED to report a winner before the votes were counted, they would have never called either person the winner, and would have counted out the photo finish without feeling Bush was ahead. It will be shown probably that he wasn't. Likewise, we are seeing a huge lowering of the bar for our President. It was admitted by commentators that just "getting through" his speech without a major mistake, was high points for Bush. In contrast to Gore's ability writing his speech himself. I don't see George writing anything thing himself. He will just sign stuff after his work-out and video game break. As for working together, Republicans blocked every judicial appointment for the last 7 years in committee. Now, they will cry we need to work together. They always seems one way to me. All I can say is that every vote counts. That we don't have 90%+ voting is a national shame. Oh well, Hail Mary, and throw the ball, George.

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: First you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's O.K., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

Morris Siegel, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $60,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $60,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these business travel deductions of $125,000. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife."

"Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well....we also deliver."

In some US cities crime has odd effects. Take Washington DC for example, there, cabs are so expensive, it's cheaper to get mugged and wait for the ambulance.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"

-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" Larry Miller

Advice For Life

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.'

--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=

"I am in desperate need of help -- or I'll go crazy. We're living in a single room -- my wife, my children and my in-laws. So our nerves are on edge, we yell and scream at one another. The room is a hell."

"Do you promise to do whatever I tell you?" said the Master gravely.

"I swear I shall do anything."

"Very well. How many animals do you have?"

"A cow, a goat and six chickens."

"Take them all into the room with you. Then come back after a week."

The disciple was appalled. But he had promised to obey! So he took the animals in. A week later he came back, a pitiable figure, moaning, "I'm a nervous wreck. The dirt! The stench! The noise! We're all on the verge of madness!"

"Go back," said the Master, "and put the animals out."

The man ran all the way home. And came back the following day, his eyes sparkling with joy. "How sweet life is! The animals are out. The home is a Paradise, so quiet and clean and roomy!"

-=--=-=--=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Most of us are just about as happy as we make up our minds to be. --Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=---=-=

"My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

-- Steven Wright

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo  

Subject: Colorado Paint Mine, lack of wisdom Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 20:58:06 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com To: you <mmb>

Hi, See "The Paint Mine" a small erosion area near Colorado Springs which makes for colorful photos. Add it to your desktop photo folder, and see them all with Panorama, the free desktop slideshow program. Go to http://funandmagic.com/ . Well, it looks like The Supreme Court has given the election to President Cheney. If I have to watch James Baker speak and smirk anymore I think I will puke. I don't think that a 5-4 vote is much of a mandate. And now we find that Scalia's son works for the Bush legal team and Thomas's wife works for the Republican Transition. Now, all that's left is prayer that they don't screw us to the max. I am less than optimistic. Hold on to your butt, folks. By the way, THANKS RALPH NADER! And all those that voted for two people in Florida.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene anywhere in Washington, D.C. This wasn't because of any religious reasons. They just couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

(Actually, heh heh, they couldn't find FIVE wise men and women)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans,

"Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying,

"Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed,

"I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Archangel Michael replied,

"He's standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.

"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.

"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck," she answered.

-=-=--=-=-=-=-=---=

Things to do at Walmart while the wife is taking her sweet time shopping:

1.Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they're not looking. 2.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals. 3.Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms. 4.Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 5.Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10. 6.Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap. 7.Put a package of M & M's on layaway. 8.Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 9.When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,"Why won't you people leave me alone?" 10.Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 11.Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men. 12.While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 13.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 14.Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front. 15.In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different sized funnels. 16.Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "Pick me! Pick me!!!!" 17.When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 18.Go into the fitting room and yell real loud . . . . . . "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary...."

-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"What's it for?" one asked.

"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."

Christmas Italian Style

Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, "Merry Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Omega Nebula, great cartoon Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 13:13:21 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Reply-To: http://funandmagic.com@mx2-sfba.mail.home.com, http://cleanestwater.com@mx2-sfba.mail.home.com To: you <mmb>

Hi, Omega Nebula is a massive, complex cloud of dust and gas from which new stars are continually forming. See my Photo Of The Day. http://funandmagic.com/ . Today is when it all happens. Go see the cartoon about it that I posted at the top of my Magic Mike's Funny Photos. http://funandmagic.com/funnyphotos.html .

Bureaucrats

1. Definition of Bureaucrat: Knows everything about everything. Teaches Grandma how to suck eggs 2. Working for a local authority, one of my tasks involved obtaining signatures for orders from bureaucrats who appeared to have no idea what they were signing for. 'I bet I could buy an elephant through this ridiculous system' I declared one day. 'I bet you couldn't' replied my colleague. So in went an order for one 20-horsepower pachyderm, complete with two meters of flexible trunking. Needless to say the order was approved!

3. My job was to train Government staff in Worldwide computer network, a fast and inexpensive method of long distance communications, that eliminated the more expensive phones, facsimile machines and postal service. When I surveyed the results of my training with a letter, which they had to reply, I expected to get electronic replies within a very short time. After waiting for several days, I was dismayed to receive a phone call. He said I read your message three minutes after you sent it He continued I would fax you the reply soon as I print my reply after surveying.

4. Bank Teller explaining statement: "That's the Service charge we charged you for not having the Service last month"

5. In a bureaucracy, every routing slip will expand until it contains the maximum number of names that can be typed in a single column, namely 27.

Santa Pick-Up Lines

Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf? 8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you! 7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 6. I know when you've been bad or good--so let's skip the small talk, sister! 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink> 4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it ...) 3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you? 2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list! 1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Ring!

Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

---=-=--=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-

A third grade teacher was getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turned to one little girl and asked, "What does your Daddy do?"

The girl replied, "Whatever my Mommy tells him to do."

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Little Johnny's earth science class teacher was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, she asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, Little Johnny volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: virus alert Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 12:52:34 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> To: you <mmb>

Subj: Fw: Another Virus Alert!

----- Original Message -----

Subject: Fwd: Another Virus Alert!

> Maybe this will be the last for a while. TAke it for what it's worth. > Please don't respond to me that you received this, just read it, and pass > it on to others if you wish. Thank you.> > > > >>>>DO NOT OPEN "PRETTY PARK" It is a virus that will > >>>> > erase your whole "C" drive. It will come to you in > >>>> > the form of an E-Mail from a familiar person. I > >>>> > repeat a friend sent it to me, but called & warned me > >>>> > before I opened it. He was not so lucky and now he > >>>> > cant even start his computer! Forward this to everyone > >>>> > in your address book. I would rather receive this 25 > >>>> > times than not at all. > >>>> > > >>>> > Also: Intel announced that a new and very destructive > >>>> > virus was discovered recently. If you receive an email > >>>> > called "An Internet Flower For You", do not open it. > >>>> > Delete it right away! This virus removes all dynamic > >>>> > link libraries(.dll files) from your computer. Your > >>>> > computer will not be able to boot up. > >>>> >

>

Subject: Powder Snow in Colorado Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2000 12:44:57 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb>

Hi, Here is a wonderful snow scene in Colorado. Go to http://funandmagic.com/ Photo of The Day.

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. . . . The fat is free!"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

--
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-=-=

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==

A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose.

All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying, "I just don't know how he did it!"

Finally the doctor managed to remove the little car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "*Now* I know how he did it!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room.

Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on- call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.

The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."

Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER for yet another emergency.

I was stitching away - wearing a tuxedo - when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"

-=-=-=-=-==-===-=

A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.." The Professor said "your absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts."

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/

Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Picture yourself on the Moon, the truth about dimpled chads Date: Sat, 09 Dec 2000 10:29:00 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb>

Hi Picture yourself on the Moon with Apollo 17, by making this photo your wallpaper today. See my Photo Of The Day. http://funandmagic.com . I have added medical guides from MediFocus. You can get surface level information on 120 medical ailments, further reading suggestions, or order extensive guides. You get one free extensive guide. So stop by the site and look for the Medical and Health link. I experienced the dimple chad a few years ago. In either the 1996 presidential race or the one before, my voting precinct used the punch ballot. The chad buildup, in the narrow slot used to hold the chads, was full, under ONLY the presidential race, because more people vote for that office. Let's stop the making fun of it and treat it seriously. It IS a vote. I could barely punch through and less observant people would have made a dimple. -Magic Mike

Family Funny: "Toddler Property Laws" Rated G

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it it's near me, it's mine.

10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=----=-=-=-=

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-

The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Ann was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chair.

All night long the joke moderator, a dweebish looking guy named Ray, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Ray gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond of the landing field."

Cinemax Reel Life's 'The Eyes of Tammy Faye', narrated by RuPaul was recently released. As funny as the concept is by itself, here's some possible titles that Cinemax could have used instead.

1."The Harsh World of Embezzlement" 2."Why Jerry Falwell is the Devil" 3."I Lied and Eye Lined" 4."The Tears of Mascara" 5."One Weirdo's Story... Told By Another Weirdo" 6."Where is All My Money, God?" 7."Caked On and Broke" 8."RuPaul and Tammy...Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right" 9."The 'ITS'" 10."What Drugs Eventually Do To Normal People"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Lets face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends.

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: San Andreas Fault, combining radar by the Space Shuttle Endeavor with Landsat Date: Fri, 08 Dec 2000 10:46:41 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb>

Hi, San Andreas Fault in California, one of the longest and most active faults. See an exaggerated-height image, created by combining radar deployed by the Space Shuttle Endeavor in February with a true-color Landsat picture. See my Photo Of The Day. http://funandmagic.com . My buddy Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits the bottom.

What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?

1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office) 1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated) 1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated) 1900: William McKinley (Assassinated) 1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office) 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office) 1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated) 1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination Attempt and left suffering from Alzheimer's)

Perhaps, whoever loses Florida should be very happy!

Did you see in the news how little money Dick Cheney gives to charity? In contrast, it was just revealed that Joe Lieberman is the most charitable member of Congress. He gives his entire pay check to Hadassah.

-=-=-=-=----=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Presidential Candidate Health Report

George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems: Electile Dysfunction and Premature Congratulation.

* New Slogans for Florida

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT...

SOME HISTORICAL FIGURES:
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

--Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt - was married to her own brother, Ptolemy.

-Karl Marx, founder of international communism - once served as a reporter on the New York Herald Tribune (the paper was then known as the New York Tribune.)

-Napoleon, French conqueror - had a drinking cup made from the skull of the famous Italian adventurer and charlatan, Cagilostro.

-Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Monroe - American "Founding Fathers," all died on July 4th. Jefferson and Adams died at practically the same minute on the same day.

-President Gerald R. Ford - sent out 40,000 Christmas cards in 1976.

-Babe Ruth, baseball player - besides holding the lifetime record for most home runs (until 1974), holds the world record for stikeouts as well.

-Queen Elizabeth I of England - was completely bald. She lost her hair after suffering small pox at the age of 29. To disguise her loss, she always wore a wig, thus creating a vogue for wigs in Europe that lasted several hundred years.

-James O'Neill, father of playwright Eugene O'Neill - acted in the play "The Count of Monte Cristo" no less than 5,352 times - an average of one performance a day every day for fourteen years. He once said, "I believe that I should have lost my memory and mind altogether had I continued to keep up the strain."

FAMOUS LAST WORDS:
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Here are some last words some famous or infamous people said at death, or shortly before:

-Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., actor, died December 12, 1939: "I've never felt better."

-General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, died 1864: (Killed in battle during US Civil War) They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

-James French, died 1966 (Executed in electric chair in Oklahoma) "How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French fries.'"

-Lady Nancy Astor, died 1964: When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside. "Am I dying or is this my birthday?"

-Winston Churchill, statesman, died January 24, 1965: Before slipping into a coma. He died 9 days later. "I'm bored with it all."

-John Adams, US President, died July 4, 1826: Thomas Jefferson- still survives... (Actually, Jefferson had died earlier that same day.)

-Charles II, King of England, died 1685: "Don't let poor Nelly (his mistress, Nell Gwynne) starve."

-Edmund Gwenn, actor, died September 6, 1959: When asked if he thought dying was tough. "Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy."

-John Barrymore, actor, died May 29, 1942: "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

-Terry Kath, rock musician, died January 23, 1978: (Suicide playing Russian roulette.) "Don't worry, it's not loaded."

-Benito Mussolini, Italian dictator, died 1945: To his executioners: "Shoot me in the chest!"

-George Appel died 1928: Executed in electric chair in New York. "Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel."

-H. G. Wells, novelist, died 1946: "Go away. I'm all right."

-Oscar Wilde, writer, died November 30, 1900: "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do."

((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/27 - http://www.planetproctor.com

"The fat lady's not ready to sing. She's clearing her throat" - Unidentified D. C. Wonk

E2K . . . Pronounced "E-E-K!", represents the last daze of our electoral dysfunction. Admittedly, it's fascinating to be a part of history instead of apart from it, though whether were witnessing chaos or corruption remains a mystery. I think that Cicero summed it up best back in 63 B.C. when he said, in defense of Murena, accused of electoral bribery: "Nihil est incertius volgo, nihil obscurius voluntate hominum, nihil fallacius ratione tota comitiorum." Nothing is more uncertain than the crowd, nothing more obscure than the will of the people, nothing more fickle than the whole electoral system. And speaking of Romans, actor and Winkie Commander Peter Johnson claims that he has unearthed a "Saint Chad", spelled "St. Ceadda", as the Saint of Disputed Elections (or is it the Saint of Lost Causes?) "If Bush has a mandate," writes Star Telegram columnist Molly Ivers, "it is to be a uniter and not a divider; to work with Democrats as well as Republicans and to restore civility in Washington. True story: In 1992, a governor named Bill Clinton told me that he thought the main reason he would be a good president was because he had been able to work well with Republicans in Arkansas. May Bush have better luck." And from October, remember this slice of spam? "The Republican party is feeling that Cheney is a liability on the ticket. There's a rumor that a few weeks prior to the election in a desperate attempt to win, Cheney will resign because of a trumped-up heart problem or potential 'threat to his health.' Then either John McCain or Colin Powell will be asked to come on the ticket and save the party." As Newsweek recently reported, "[Cheney] has had more heart attacks than Bush has had trips overseas."

"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law."- G.W., Austin, Nov. 22, 2000

WHAT A BODY! And just in time for the holidays, Lynne Cheney's long-lost pot-boiler "The Body Politic" co-written by Victor Gold, (V.P. Spiro Agnew's press secretary and co-author of President Daddy Bush's autobiography "Looking Forward") is being re-issued in paperback as "a revealing look at what it might be like to be the vice president of the United States." Stephen Talbot writes in Salon, that the book is actually "a poorly written, allegedly comic satire about life in a Republican White House," and continues, "Let's hope, for her husband Dick Cheney's sake, that it doesn't reveal what his vice presidency will be like." You see, her fictional 59-year-old Republican suffers a heart attack and dies in office! "Her real-life husband is also 59," Talbot points out, "and has, of course, just survived his fourth heart attack." And what's more, when the novel was first released in 1988, Cheney had to undergo quadruple bypass surgery after suffering his third heart attack. "Twelve years later, Talbot observes, "the novel reappears and Cheney's heart fails again. If he were a superstitious man, he might think his wife's book is cursed." Finally, Mrs. Cheney offers another interesting twist as "his scheming, ambitious wife participates in a White House coverup of his death and manages to succeed her late husband as the country's first female vice president." Is her name, by chance, "Hillary"?

"It's true that hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan

PREGGERS Following the historic decision by the Florida Supreme Court, traditionally anti-abortion conservative Republican officials sought to pre-emptively silence the uncounted voices of more than 20,000 unborn votes carried by still pregnant chads. Lawyers for the chads filed a class action law suit in Florida's Superior Court, today, arguing that each of these pregnancies was the result of being poked by at least one voter. The suit seeks immediate relief, claiming that arbitrarily aborting these pregnancies would forever still the voices of these innocent unborn votes. Traditionally anti-abortion conservative spokesmen could not be reached for comment.

"We're Number One! Wait! Recount!" - New Florida state motto

BUT ALL GOOD THINGS.... Last Sunday was the final performance of "CATS", Broadway's longest running musical after racking up a record 7,485 performances. Usually, when a musical ends its run, the production company assists the newly out-of-work actors and actresses in finding other jobs, filing for unemployment benefits, etc. but in this case, the actors were just stuffed into a gigantic burlap bag, weighed down with rocks, and thrown from a bridge into the East River. After they refused to be neutered, what could they expect?

"It makes no difference who you vote for--the two parties are really one party representing four percent of the people." - Gore Vidal

IT'S DOC-UMENTED At an international medical conference, the doctors were discussing the recent developments in their country. The Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." The German doctor replied, "That's nothing! In Germany we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks." The Russian doctor opted, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we could take a half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." And finally, the American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah! We're about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House; and half of the country will be looking for work the next day." [This joke is subject to recount]

"If Joseph Lieberman is elected Vice President, it will be the first time a Jewish person has served under a Democratic President since Monica Lewinsky." - From Jack Angel

THE FAT MAN SINGS? According to AP writer Ronald Blum, the battle for the White House even showed up into the Metropolitan Opera's production of Mozart's "The Magic Flute" when as the bird catcher Papageno, Canadian baritone Gerald Finley, lost and seeking prince Tamino, sang: "Are you forsaking me?"-- and then, still in German, added -- "Which way do I go?" "Bush?" he asked turning slowly stage right. And then turning to the left, he sang out, "Gore?" Bravo! Bis!!

"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it." - Alfred Hitchcock

THE ONLY TRIAL THAT COUNTS . . . is the upcoming presentation of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Trial by Jury", (where I sing the Judge and Melinda, the Jury), as part of the Antaeus company's "Festival of Holiday Spirit" Building Fund Benefit. Hilariously staged and updated for Los Angeles, it will be presented at the site of our future theater at New Place on 4916 Vineland in NoHo, 6:30pm, December 18th. The 25-minute show will be followed by food and drink, caroling and a raffle for prizes that include tickets to "The Lion King" at the Pantages; "Much Ado About Nothing" at South Coast Rep and "Romeo and Juliet" at the Amanson; and a two-year pass to Antaeus Productions -- all for a mere $25 donation per couple (including one child under 13, FREE with each adult!), and you need not be present to win the raffle. If you are interested, please CONTACT ME and include a mailing address so we can send you an official invitation and entry card. It's going to be a rollicking and heart-warming evening so please join us -- and help us!

"I don't know jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts." - Will Rogers

CHICKEN SOUP INHIBITS NEUTROPHIL CHEMOTAXIS IN VITRO For those of you who haven't yet had your flu shot, there's always "Grandma's Chicken Soup"; and here's how it works, extracted from an article on Medscape, prescribed to me by Dir. (not Dr.), Jeff Mandel, in which: "Traditional chicken soup was tested for its ability to inhibit neutrophil migration using the standard Boyden blindwell chemotaxis chamber assay with zymosan-activated serum and fMet-Leu-Phe as chemoattractants. . ." Chicken soup has been regarded as a remedy for centuries. So widely recommended is chicken soup in the Jewish tradition, that it is referred to by a variety of synonyms as Jewish penicillin, bohbymycetin, and bobamycin. The Egyptian Jewish physician and philosopher Moshe ben Maimon (Maimonides) recommended chicken soup for respiratory tract symptoms in his 12th century treatise, reportedly drawing on classical Greek sources. Chicken soup is, however, also recommended for similar purposes in a variety of other traditions suggesting multiple independent discoveries. The identity of the active ingredient or ingredients present in the soup remains unknown. The vegetables that are used to prepare the soup, however, are known to contain a large number of chemical species, many of which have medicinal activities . . . The chicken may contain a component that chemically neutralizes vegetable-derived toxins. Chicken soup is not without hazard. Anaphylaxis, aspiration, and severe electrolyte disturbances all have been described as a result of chicken soup ingestion.

+Cooking Time in Minutes and Description+ 0: Bird in water - 38: Bird in boiling water - 51: Immediately after adding vegetables - 72: Under chicken/Top of pot near onions/Top of pot near carrots - 83: Bottom of pot/Top of pot - 91: Matzoh ball preparation, paste - 183: Matzoh ball preparation complete/Top of pot/Bottom of pot - 201: Middle of pot - 417: Aqueous phase/"Lipid" phase/Matzoh ball broth - 451: Mashed vegetables /Matzoh balls added - 486: Completed (needs to be seasoned to taste). For the full article and enlightening charts and illustrations, visit <medscape.com> -- and "Bon Appetit!"

"The flowers, the gorgeous, mystic multicolored flowers are not the flowers of life, but people, yes people are the true flowers of life; and it has been a most precious pleasure to have temporarily strolled in your garden" - Lord Buckley

THE REST IS SILENCE Grandmaster theater organist Gaylord Taylor has played his last glockenspeil at the ripe-old age of 95. Born in Germany, he started playing at the age of 10 in church services in the U.S. in Wichita and later, in Los Angeles and unable to afford a ten-cent ticket, he talked a local manager into hiring him to accompany a film. Over the next eight decades, his career blossomed as he played in the great movie palaces, on radio ("The Whistler" and "Suspense") and TV ("The Pinky Lee Show") and then returned to play in theaters when silents became popular once more. In fact, it was at one of the L.A. Conservancy's "Last Seats on Broadway" screenings that we experienced one of his stirring and original performances. He created a production company called "Flicker Fingers", and later in his life, scored a dozen classic silent film for Paramount video. Columnist Jack Smith suggested that Carter (like the Firesign Theatre), "ought to be designated an historical monument." Harold Lloyd helped him become successful but advised, "Gaylord, where they're laughing, play softly. It's when they're not laughing that I need you."

"I want my last words to be put on my tombstone. Unless my last words are something like 'Wheee!', cause that would just be stupid."- Matthew W. Schmeer ********** CREDITS: To acknowledge contributors of material used in this orbit like Ivan Berger and Gary Margolis, and to Brad Shreiber for the book "Eat or Be Eaten" by Phil Porter (!) from whence I gleaned some dandy "slugs" like:

"It was beautiful and simple as all truly great swindles are." - O. Henry

+++++++++++(DECEMBER 6, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Towering Aspens Date: Tue, 05 Dec 2000 19:45:08 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb>

Hi, Here's another wonderful Colorado pic of Aspens reaching to the sky. Enter and go to photo of the day http://funandmagic.com/ .

A redneck had seventeen children, all boys. When they came of age, they voted uniformly for the Republican ticket - all except one boy.

The father was asked to explain this terrible fall from grace.

"Well," he said, "I've always tried to bring them boys up right, but John, the ornery cuss, got to readin' . . . "

-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-

* So... shy, shy this American tie (sung to the tune of American Pie by Don Mclean)

A long, long time ago... I can still remember how those Yankees used to make me smile, And I knew if they had their goat, They'd try to teach us how to vote, And maybe they'd be happy for a while.

But November saw me quiver, With every network news delivered, Chaos in the republic, The blunders were in public.

I can't remember if I laughed, When I read about his ambushed pride, But something gored me deep inside, The day the voting died.

CHORUS So... Why, why this American tie, Drove the voters to a frenzy but the ballots were sly. Both Bush and Gore are running risky and dry, Singing "This'll be the day that I cry, This'll be the day that I cry.''

Did you write the book of jokes, And will you have faith in the winning bloke, If the Houses tell you so? Now do you believe in the voter rolls? Can the system save your mortal soul? And can you teach me how to count real slow?

Well I know you're in a sticky mess, 'Cause I saw you looking real harassed, You both ran out of cues, Man, I dig those rhythm 'n' blues,

They were rich and feisty mid-aged bucks, Nearly two years later and still in the ruck, But I knew they were out of luck, The day the voting died. We started singing... (Chorus)

Now for some days we've been on our own, Left with a case of the great unknown, But that's not how it used to be, When Clinton spoke in front of kings and queens, In a coat he borrowed from Mr. Bean, And a voice that came from Hillary,

Oh, and while the crowd was looking down, Buchanan stole Florida's crown, The voting was adjourned, No verdict was returned.

And while recounts were still going slow, The whole world stayed up for the show, And waited for the news to flow, The day the voting died. We were singing... (Chorus)

Dedicated to the voters of Florida

-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=

Bushisms

"I'll make it clear we cannot put troops on the ground to keep warring parties apart all around the globe. We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers." --George W. Bush, Wednesday, September 6, 2000

He's called tactical nuclear weapons "tacular" - a new word perhaps? And Bush referred to "potential mental losses" instead of saying potential missile launches.

Bush called for an "economically vile hemisphere," rather than an "economically viable hemisphere."

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: dramatic forces at play, Miss America 1921, free slideshow Date: Mon, 04 Dec 2000 10:40:09 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb>

Hi, Today's desktop pic shows powerful forces at play in the nearby Circinus Galaxy. Hot gas, colored pink, is being ejected out of the spiral galaxy from the central region. Enter and go to Photo Of The Day. http://funandmagic.com/ . Get a free slideshow program while you are there to show pics you save.

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "she'd be way too old."

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted, and a little girl said, "I know all about adoptions because I was adopted."

"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.

"It means," said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"

"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=-=-=-=

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, you can not."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show him your paper!"

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Steve was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was his first time in a casino, and he wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me," he said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" Steve asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"

The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at the Congress, then prays for the country!"

"The stress my boss puts me under is killing me," Velma said. "I have migraines, my blood pressure is going through the roof, I can't sleep at night, I just found out that I have an ulcer, and as long as I stay in this job, the only question is when I'll have a nervous breakdown."

"So, why don't you quit?" Gee questioned.

Velma replied, "I have a great health plan."

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Aspens in Colorado, Date: Sun, 03 Dec 2000 10:18:40 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb>

Hi, You can not visit Colorado mountains without experiencing the famous Aspen tree. Aspen stands offer some wonderful photographs, especially during Autumn. See this back-lit photograph of an Aspen grove, by Brian D. Riebesellat, at my Photo of The Day. Enter at http://funandmagic.com/ . Grab a free photo every day. Forward this to your friends.

'Twas A Week Past Election

Twas a week past election and all through the land, Not a president was chosen and no decision at hand. The ballots were counted again and again In hopes that in Florida the Vice President would win.

The governor had won it, or so he had said And thoughts of his cabinet danced in his head. While Gore and his lawyers and Bush and his, too Argued and argued about what to do.

When down in Palm Beach arose such confusion, As thousands of Democrats voted Buchanan! The box for Buchanan was too close to Gore's, So Bush got the most votes. Should Gore have had more?

Then what in the nation's eyes did appear? But thousands of lawyers and lawsuits to hear. Faster and faster the lawyers they came, With a truckload of briefs, and people to blame.

And then the Vice President said, and I quote: "We must hand count each Floridian's vote." The country then watched as Florida reported Numbers and figures the media distorted.

The Vice President was weak, the chances were thin, That in the end the Presidency he'd win. The governor's aides confidently touted "We've won the election. Votes don't need to be counted."

No one cared anymore who was elected, As long as it ended and one was selected. As they polled Palm Beach County and counted again, America knew it never would end.

Thousands protested the votes that were tossed, No one would ever concede he had lost. And the media debated long into the night, Whether the holes should have been on the right.

And so no one knew from the west to the east, Who got the most votes or who got the least. But the voice of reason calmed everyone's fears: We'll do this again in another four years.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good boy this year.

Look, I have made mistakes in the past. But that is all behind me now.

Please give me Florida. Georgie

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=--=--=-=-=

Humpty Politicos sat on a wall Dumpty Politicos had a great fall And all the Bush horses And all the Gore's men Can't put the election together, again. ~Alan B. Combs

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Fog Amidst Pines in Colorado, computer terms, tech stories Date: Sat, 02 Dec 2000 10:12:35 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb>

Hi, Today's desktop photo is "Fog Amidst Pines" in the high elevation forests of Colorado. Early morning brings low level clouds. http://funandmagic.com/ . Enter and go to Photo Of The Day.

"Computer Term Dictionary"

586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-

Tech support site stories.

Customer: "It says I have 2 zillion bytes available, and I need 8 zillion."

While in art school, where we mostly worked with Amigas and Macs, a Spanish exchange student asked me if I ever worked with MS-2. I thought he meant OS/2 but he didn't know what that was. It took me some time to figure out that he meant MS- DOS. "Dos" in Spanish means "two."

My grandfather has recently started a course called "Computers for the Terrified." He's nearly eighty and, although used to be an engineer within the British Royal Airforce, is completely stuck when it comes to computers. He came back from his first evening at this course. When asked how it had gone, he replied, "Yes, it was really good. I really enjoyed it, but I really couldn't get to grips with my mole." I stopped for a second, completely puzzled, until I realized he was talking about the mouse.

Customer: "I have a scummy card in my system."

Customer: "I have a cursing flasher."

Customer: "I am getting an error on my computer" Tech Support: "What kind of error?" Customer: "It says I have a corrupted file on my hard drive, and I should run 'Check Disk'." Tech Support: "Ok, we need to call in a ticket, and someone will be down shortly." Customer: "Can you make sure you bring some extra Check Disks, because mine does not work." Tech Support: "Uh. We're out of stock right now, but I'll order some."

The place where a friend of mine works was going through the process of upgrading all of their computers. On one computer in particular, they had determined they needed more memory. One of the senior partners got it into her head that they needed more "MEG." My friend tried to tell her that what they needed was RAM, but she insisted that the machine had plenty of RAM and that they needed more Meg -- specifically, about 16 megabytes of Meg. He got tired of arguing with her and said to go down to the computer store and buy some Meg. She came back with an envelope with RAM in it -- on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg." "The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg."

Quickies: Customer: "I have Microword Soft." Customer: "Microwave Windows?" Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?" Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help." Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter." Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator." Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator." Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure." Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer." Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem." Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."

We were looking to hire a secretary. She needed to know WordPerfect, Dbase, and Lotus. This one candidate had no clue as to any of 'em (as I quizzed her on how to do different things). When I got to the spreadsheet, I asked her if she knew Lotus 1-2-3. She said that her boyfriend was helping her and she was through Lotus 1 and 2, and was working on 3.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo

Subject: Kauai photo and video, Bill Cosby for President Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 10:51:27 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb> Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://cleanestwater.com http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb>

Hi, A friend wrote from Hawaii, so I think today we'll have a vacation there. Here is a nice beach for your desk, http://www.riverestate.com/images/kalihiwaibch.jpg and here is a real (no pun intended) beautiful movie excursion of the landscape of Kauai. http://gokauai.com/aloha/ahealingjourney56.html . I urge you to try to catch the election comedy on cable's MSNBC. I have laughed my butt off at the Saturday night live sketches of Gore and Bush as "The Odd Couple" and their duet as Sonny and Cher singing "I Got You, Babe". Letterman's line was the best. "We have Bush, not the President. We have Gore, not president. Couldn't we just stop there?" "I say, let's make Bill Cosby the President! At least we know we'll be laughing with him, and not at him. -Magic Mike

The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.

The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers.

-=-=-=-=--=---=-=-=-=--=-

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.

"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Signs that you're a Net Geek...

- When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

- You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

- Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.

- You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

- You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

- You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

- You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

- At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."

She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now...."

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick."

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, ......."Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

___ _____ _______ How Cold Is It?_______ _____ ___ __ _

HOW COLD IS IT?

An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit/Celsius)

+50/+10 * New York tenants turn on the heat * Wisconsinites plant gardens * Airmass too stable for supercells +40/+4 * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Wisconsinites sunbathe +35/+2 * Italian cars don't start +32/0 * Distilled water freezes +30/-1 * You can see your breath * You plan a vacation in Florida * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless * Wisconsinites eat ice cream +25/-4 * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you +20/-7 * Cleveland water freezes * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts +15/-10 * You plan a vacation in Acapulco * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you * Wisconsinites go swimming +10/-12 * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * Too cold to snow * You need jumper cables to get the car going 0/-18 * New York landlords turn on the heat * Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum! -5/-21 * You can hear your breath * You plan a vacation in Hawaii -10/-23 * American cars don't start * Too cold to skate -15/-26 * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Miamians cease to exist * Wisconsinites lick flagpoles -20/-29 * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * People in Green Bay think about taking down screens * Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells -25/-32 * Too cold to kiss * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * Japanese cars don't start * Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training -30/-34 * You plan a two-week hot bath * Pilsener freezes * Bock beer production begins * Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof -38/-39 * Mercury freezes * Too cold to think * Wisconsinites button top button -40/-40 * Californians disappear * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you * Wisconsinites put on sweaters -50/-46 * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * Green Bay Packers practice indoors -60/-51 * Walruses abandon Aleutians * Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the season" * Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -70/-57 * Glaciers in Central Park * Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets * Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie -80/-62 * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island * Rhinelander Birkebeiner * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -90/-68 * Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles * Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer -100/-73 * Santa Claus abandons North Pole * Wisconsinites pull down earflaps -173/-114 * Ethyl alcohol freezes * Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans -297/-183 * Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere * Microbial life survives only on dairy products -445/-265 * Superconductivity -452/-269 * Helium becomes a liquid -454/-270 * Hell freezes over * Chicago Cubs win world series * Roger Edwards sees a wedge tornado -456/-271 * Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35 -458/-272 * Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions -460/-273 (absolute zero) * All atomic motion ceases * Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy

-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., independent agent, work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo