On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional." Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. * Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. * Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. * Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. * The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. * If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

* Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

* Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!

* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Quotes
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself." --Judy Tenuta

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " --Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

Yo' Momma's so ugly...
...when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
...when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.
...the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
...her face is closed on weekends.

Yo' Momma's so old...
...she still owes Moses a quarter! ...her birthday's expired.
...she farts dust.
...when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
...when she was young, rainbows were in black and white.
...her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it.

And, Yo Momma's so dumb...
...they had to burn down the school to get her out of 2nd grade.
...she thinks Johnny Cash is a toilet. ...she sold her car to get gas money.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
...she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the Ws. 

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you...wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.

Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?" Second sailor replies that he has.

They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette. First Sailor: " Have you ever slept with a brunette?" SS: " Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions." They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead. FS: " Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!"

What do you get when you mix a redhead, a battery and potato chips?
A redhead who's Eveready and Frito-Lay

What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Q: What do redheads and McDonald's have in common?
A: You've never had it so good and so fast.

How do you get a redhead to argue with you? Say something!!!

Two men were talking. One said: I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead. "What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time."

How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds.

Q: What's the true definition of a blonde?
A: Redhead with the fire of passion missing. 

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"

The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." 

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society..

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into"special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. 

A senior gas company training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman in her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Having finished the meter checks, the supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck -- just to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they at last came running up to the truck, they forgot to check who had won since they both realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two man from the gas company running away from my house as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" 

Mrs. JimJr is kind of an old-fashioned cook. In fact, to this very day, she still makes radio dinners.

Every night, Mrs JimJr calls me to dinner exactly the same way: "Dinner's on the table -- come and guess it."

I love steaks, the T-Bone steaks she fixes aren't bad at all. Well... once you put tenderizer on the gravy.

I can always tell when we're having salads for dinner. None of the smoke alarms in the house are going off.

Ever since she read that salmon is good for the heart, she serves it quite often. Oddest damn thing though - twice a year I have this strange urge to swim up stream and spawn. 

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh horse manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.

He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the ground.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit. 

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied. 

Either Way
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."